And thats a wrap...

The year is coming to an end from the day I started this blog. It truly is a whirlwind looking at the leaps and bounds I've grown in just a years time. I don't know if it's possible to be any more satisfied with life.

My dreams are becoming a reality. Each day I am living out the desires of my heart. I am thriving and excited about life even through the monotonous tasks daily life requires.

God is faithful and He redeems. He gives us more than we can even ask or imagine. The wild bulk of things I had and was pouring my life into--college, good grades, random people, my position as president of snowboard team, my job as a fitness attendant-- was pruned this time last year. Not that those things were bad....but for me and where my heart was, they were unsatisfying and life draining. I thought I needed to pour out in every direction in order to have value. I got my self-worth from what I did rather than from who I am.

So, I was incredulously humbled when I went from having all those "oh so amazing" things to being an unemployed college drop out that lived with my parents. Oh the glory! I had to learn to be okay with who I was regardless of what I did or didn't do.

However, that humbling process was so essential for what God had in mind for me! (better than I could think or imagine!)

So, here I am, a year later and well....brace yourself...

I have a dream job as a personal assistant for a professional athlete. I live in a community that is passionate about God and full of life, love, and encouragement. I live in a ski resort town where I am going to shred every day I can. I have a good relationship with my family. I am dating a stud who knows how to pursue and treat a woman with love and respect. I am living out supernatural health in my mind, body, spirit, relationships, emotions, etc. I am excited about every day life!

Do any of these "things" define who I am---NO WAY! I am amazing with or without them (and I mean that in the most humble way possible). Is God faithful and does He give us the desires of our heart when we choose to trust His lead?---YES! Now I have "things" to pour my heart into that not only bring me life, but also bring life to those around me.

Hear the testimony in this----THIS IS REVIVAL!

Revive: to regain life, consciousness, or strength.

I have been revived and I seek to bring life to those around me. So as funny as this sounds--- yes, I am a revivalist.

I am so thankful for all that the Lord has done in my life and to Him be the glory. Everything that I have is simply a gift from Him and it is better than anything I could have tried to achieve on my own. I so thankful that I serve a good God who loves His kids beyond words. Thanks God for all that you do and all that you are. Teach me how to love like You do. I never want to stop pursuing You.

It's about that time to process again.

As you can gather from my previous blogs, there has been a lot of excitement and acceleration happening in many areas of my life. There is one additional area that I have purposefully evaded, but I've come to a point where I need to clarify my thoughts.

Along with the rad job, new home, community, and adventures....there is this guy...and he's kind of a big deal.

We met in the beautiful town of Mammoth lakes and have been "talking" since May. He's no ordinary hum-bug, but actually someone who I am quite delighted in getting to know.

He has an incredible heart for people and we share many core values. We have a lot of similar passions, a ton of mutual friends, and did I mention he's ridiculously good looking?

Also he is a GREAT COMMUNICATOR which is crazy rad because communication is so important to me. He has been incredible at pursuing me as a friend that he wants to get to know better and being super clear with his intentions. I feel ridiculously honored, respected, and valued by him.

However, there is a lot of transition happening in my life and I am not sure what to think of everything right now. It's exciting because there is a lot of potential and I really want to make sure I enjoy the process of getting to know someone and avoid over-analyzing. It's just tough because I don't have a lot of "relationship experience" and having someone that I am becoming increasingly hyper aware of is just a fascinating process. It's always a little risky and scary taking steps of vulnerability--but that is what is required to grow in love. I'm really stoked overall though and in the least hope to gain a great friend.

God, my heart is yours.

Ready, set, GO!

I feel strong, confident, equipped, and prepared. I feel as if the Lord has been strengthening me in multiple areas of my life, and although at times I've felt all but broken, I feel as if he is building me back up. My foundation has been solidified so that I can accommodate growth and expansion.  I feel as if my heart knows I ready more than my head. I find myself surprised at how "grown-up" I am now. It's weird, I honestly do feel different now that I am 21. I feel as if I'm stepping into something greater--a greater privilege and responsibility. Its amazing to see how much I've grown when I look back and realize I am no longer an insecure high schooler trying to be cool and "accepted". Knowing your identity gives you solidity, confidence, hope, excitement.

I feel as if this past year has been a crash Kingdom course. It's been quite a journey following the Spirit and going through times of wrestling with God. I think I have a new understanding of Him that I never had before. He has taken me to deeper levels of intimacy and it's incredible to look back and see the growth. I feel as if there is a deeper level of trust between God and I. Trust is built from truth exchanged. I have been honest and vulnerable with God--yes, he already knows everything about me, but being able to no longer try and hide things from Him allows Him to enter in. In exchange I feel as if He has revealed more of His nature to me--thus truth has been exchanged and mutual trust is built.Yes, He trusts me and my heart and I no longer have to question if following my heart is the "right" thing to do--He's given me permission to chase after my heart's desires. It's truly an oddity to feel connected to the Creator the Universe, but that is the essence of His nature--He made us relational. 

It's kind of exciting because I feel a freedom to be myself and stop trying to fix everything wrong with me--It's a time to embrace the fullness of who He is and who He has made me to be. I don't want to be caught up in the details--they will come--I will grow--I will be sharpened--I am teachable---but it's OKAY to make mistakes! haha. Knowing that it is okay to mess up, gives me the freedom to step out and RISK. That is what I love about adventure...there is always risk involved.

I really want to step into this new season and live vulnerably so that I can love well. I don't want to let fear keep me from the fullness. I am excited to see where Holy Spirit takes me in this next season. I love putting my Trust in Him...He is ALWAYS faithful.

So I hear I am Papa, let me be a vessel of your faithfulness and love. Thanks for being such a great Dad!! I'm ready to chase after Your heart!

The gift of LISTENING

Listening is such a gift to those whom you are listening to. Lately I have noticed multiple people around me who are genuinely listening to what I am saying---and not just active listening---but empathic listening. It's incredible how understood I feel when people are genuinely listening with intent. It's almost surprising when you realize someone is truly listening when you are used to people who are "multi-task" listeners--it definitely caught me off guard.

I want to be a better listener. Recently I noticed that listening is not one of my greatest strengths(to say the least), and it's somewhat irritating. It's beyond listening---it's remembering that I truly struggle with.

An extraordinary amount of information has been squished into my brain over the years and it sometimes feels as if my capacity to retain more information is maxed out. Obviously this is far from the truth, but I have conditioned my brain to cram and barf....so this vicious cycle needs to stop.

I feel like it's in line with attaining over-all health too. A bulimic brain just can't be good for you.

Thus, I am going to practice genuinely listening this week and try to be intentional about listening and REMEMBERING! It such a gift when others listen and remember what I have to say, so I hope I can also give that gift to those around me.

Anticipation

Here I am. I can feel transition peeking over the edge waiting to fall full force into my lap.

It is an exciting, yet excruciating time. Anxiety is an enemy of mine.

I know it's going to be an incredible adventure, but my heart is hesitant. It's so accustom to hiding inside the barrier I've built that it is unsure how to respond to the rays of light shine through the cracks. Yes, the barrier is slowly being broken down, and my heart is craving to leap in the sunlight, but its always been told to wait a little longer...and waiting still it must.

Stepping into dreams is a wild reality.  There is still so much I don't understand and that I don't have resolved but I'm learning to let go and let God. I know He's leading me every step of the way and my heart delights in the journey. Listening to my heart I can tell that it is in the right place and it is going in the right direction.

Part of me still feels unprepared for what awaits. I know that God will give me the grace for what He has called me to, but it can be overwhelming looking at tomorrow's challenge with only today's grace.

The acceleration is exhilarating but definitely uncomfortable! Here I am zooming full speed ahead and I hardly have time to catch my breath! I know this is right, so there is no reason to stop--but there is definitely a momentum that is carrying me and everything in me hopes that what I've learned has properly prepared me for what I am stepping into---because I don't want to sink! haha.

I know I'm ready. I know I'm ready. This is what I've been dreaming of---and here I am taking my first steps towards my dreams!


Thanks Jesus that your grace is enough! You are sooooo faithful!

Child-like heart

It's about that time to jot a thought or two.

Today I was awed by the kiddos at the camp I work at. The have such an incredible capacity to love so purely and wholeheartedly. There is so much to learn from listening to and observing children. Their innocence and pleasure in daily life is so breath-taking.

A common theme I've seen among multiple children is their desire to give what they've made to others around them. They LOVE displaying their work and giving the teacher drawings, bracelets, and anything that they created in art. They delight in making the teacher happy by freely giving what they worked so hard to create--and it blessed the teacher's socks off!

I want to have that pure heart that loves to please my Father. I absolutely delighted in the kiddo's creations---and I can only imagine how much our heavenly Father delights in the things we put our hands to. I want to be able to give freely to those around me and get enjoyment simply from giving.

Thank you Papa for a marvelous day at camp and all the beautiful hearts that exist there-in. Give me a child-like heart to love so purely and wholeheartedly.

Processing

Writing is definitely a means for me to process my thoughts.

There has been a lot of excitement and promotion happening in my life these past few weeks. It's crazy how things seemed to be moving so slow just a few months ago, and then all of the sudden I'm running full speed ahead!

I'm battling nerves for all the possibilities. I literally don't have a clue how everything is going to work out, which is such an uncomfortable place for me to be in, but it forces me to put my trust in God because He is the one that got me this far, I know He's not going to abandon me.

I love planning and being prepared for the future, but sometimes it's important to let go and let God.

I'm learning a ton. I really am praying that God will give me the grace to be me in full capacity. I have a tendency to at times be fearful of being myself or being vulnerable. Typically because I am afraid of being rejected. It's that thought of "if people really knew me....the deepest parts that no one sees...if they only knew...would they still love me?" Yet, it's a tension because one of my greatest desire in my relationships is to be fully known--because that is the only way to be fully loved---which i believe is what every person truly desires.

So a huge part of overcoming this "fear" of rejection, is being able to see myself how He see's me. To know that I am fully loved and fully accepted just as I am. Without having to perform or be something extraordinary---just being plain old Elise---and knowing that he loves me just the same. He's been showing me this a ton over the past few months, it's just really believing it---and truly receiving it. Also, not living by the approval and "praises" of humanity---because than I'll be at the mercy of their criticism. Just owning my identity....knowing that He is the only one that defines me. This is such simple basic stuff---but at the same time it's so profound....and it will never be irrelevant.

So to end this blog.....I am processing. I am super stoked on life and I know God is doing a ton of rad stuff. It craazy to look back at myself last year and see how far I've come. Most of my growth and "achievements" so-to-speak have been internal and in the secret place this last year. I feel like the trimming that God did in my life was SOOOO essential for the season I'm stepping into. As dorky and maybe arrogant as this sounds, I am so proud of the decisions I've made this last year and my desire to seek after God's heart and choosing to trust in Him. Its funny how when your going the right direction your spirit just knows it and leaps with joy every step of the way. Trusting my own heart has been so essential in my journey. He gave me this heart and so learning to listen to it has been so wise. 

If I had one word of advice to give to the next generation it would be:

Learn to know your heart and never violate it---always listen to it.

"Above all else, Guard your heart...for from it flow the well springs of life..."

Your heart is connected with your spirit. It knows more than your mind can comprehend.

Yearning

My heart is longing this evening.

Yearning for intimacy, for companionship.

It is not as though I am alone, I am surrounded by loving friends and family. My heart is full of love and joy---but there is still a longing for more.

Some might say that I just need more of God, and of course that is always true, He is all I really need, but in this particular circumstance, I felt as if this longing is healthy, it is real.

God is the one who gave this desire for intimacy to me. He gave me a heart that seeks after connection and depth. He is a God of covenant relationship.

It's easy in these moments to seek an outlet for this longing, or "aching" so-to-speak, instead of embracing the truth in what it is I am feeling, and recognizing that it is okay...and even good.

What I am feeling is indeed chastening in multiple areas of my life and it is, for lack of a better word, painful. However, I know that this "chastening" is strengthening me. It is teaching me self-discipline and helping me grow in purity and power. It's healthy to not indulge in everything you like but actually moderate what is sustaining you and being sure to get your nutrients. It might mean not eating that delicious ice cream cone because it will spoil your appetite for the dinner that will actually sustain, nourish, ans satisfy you---instead of making you crave more sugar and junk food that will just make you feel sick and eventually make you fat....lol.

Okay, so if you haven't caught on to my metaphor yet, I'll just be open, honest and vulnerable. Before I left for Costa, I had an interesting relationship with a guy friend of mine. We had talked about dating, but logically that didn't seem to be appropriate for where we were both at even though there was attraction there. We ended up just making out a few times before I left, and we totally played it off chill and didn't talk about it. I thought I could handle a "no strings attached" relationship.

Well, of course while in the beautiful land of Costa Rica, not only did I experience God's love like never before, but I also was convicted of my physical relationship with this guy. I realized I wasn't looking out for either of our well-being and I was separating my emotions from the physical elements in a relationship--- which is totally not something I want to mess up for future relationships.

So when I got back I talked to my friend and expressed in the most loving way I knew that it was better for both of us to refrain from hanging out for a while--at least until we can hang out without lusting one another.

Thus the chastening began....and has continued....which has been really good, but totally not always easy or fun. And it's not only in that area, but in other areas of my life as well...so I guess it's just more pruning...which eventually means more blooming.

All this to say, I know God is doing a great work in me amidst the "agony". I embrace this time of difficulty knowing that it means sustainability for the future. And I continue to put my trust in Him who makes all things work together for my good(:

A thankful heart prepares the way

Re-reading my blog is often difficult because I am so critical of my own writing and developing thoughts. I feel like my thoughts are so simple and my words so plain.

But, as I started criticizing my previous blogs, I began to wonder what He thinks of my thoughts, and then I smiled.

I believe He delights in me and in my thoughts. No matter how simple or foolish they may be at times. He is so proud of me, so delighted in how far I've come, and so excited in what is still in store.

He thinks I am beautiful even in my imperfections. Even in my brokenness He looks at me and smiles saying, "look at my beautiful creation...it is good...."

Thank you God that you make all things work together for my good. Thank you that you are a good God. Thank you for loving me first that I might be able to love you in return. Thank you that you are more faithful than the sun rising and setting. Thank you that your mercies are new every morning.

Thank you for creating my family, friends, and I. Thank you for sending your son to die for us so that we might have life and have it abundantly. Thank you God for work, for jobs, and better jobs, for opportunities, for diligence. Thank you God for discipline, for joy, for love, for peace, and for grace. Thank you that you are a God of more than enough, that you are an extravagant lover, a faithful dad, a loyal friend, and an awesome King.

Thank you for health and wellness, God. Thank you for healthy tension and struggles that help us to grow. Thank you that you are there when we need you. Thanks that you care even about the small things. Thanks for your goodness and your overwhelming love.

You are so good God, I could never thank you enough for all that you have done for me. Help me to grow even closer to you God.

Dreams being realized

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

My trip to Costa Rica was indeed a dream fulfilled which has given me a new excitement for life.

Before I left for Costa, I had no idea what my future held in store. I prayed before I left: God, please give me vision for my future by the time I get back from Costa Rica.

BOOM!

God is faithful and did just that!

So in Costa I feel like I encountered God's love like never before...it was seriously the best trip of my life. At one point I broke down crying because I discovered a lie that I was believing-- that I had to earn love and that I wasn't good enough just the way I was---and was able to have some of my rad friends pray for me and walk me through it. They spoke the truth over me and I was given a new sense of value.

So basically my life will never be the same. Sounds cliche', but I seriously believe it.

There is so much more about my trip to Costa that I could elaborate on, but in order to keep from boring everyone, I'll keep it in a nutshell---I went to love on and bless people (which totally happened) and I got rocked!

On the way back from Costa, we planned to stop in Mammoth for the Lighthouse Conference (talk about moving from glory to glory!). Again, I was blown away from the moment we arrived. Family, friends, connection, love, life...wow...it was a beautiful thing. I wish I was capable of painting a more beautiful picture of this event because it indeed was a glorious thing. From the sea side, to the mountain tops, I can't even begin to explain the beauty of Our King and His incredible love for us....even in our brokenness.

Somewhere along the journey in Mammoth "dreams" became the topic of conversation amongst some friends. It was my turn and I began to explain....

"Well I have many, one is to live in a ski resort town," I began. "and another is to..."

"You should just move to Mammoth!" my friend chimed in.

Yeah, I should. The thought flashed through my head. I simply replied, "that would be cool," and continued on with the conversation casually.

It wasn't until I got home form Mammoth that I felt the Lord talk to me.

Go to Mammoth.
 What? I must be dreaming....are you serious God?

Then again.

Go to Mammoth.
Okay, I'm going to Mammoth! The whole thought of moving there took me by surprise, but I after I agreed obediently, I realized it was a tree a life.

Not only will I get to live in a ski resort town for a season on my life, but so many of my other dreams are aligned with moving to Mammoth. One of my more far-fetched dreams is to be an Olympic Athlete, and the crazy thing is, after I agreed to go, I had the opportunity to talk with Kelly Clark, who is one of the best female snowboarders in the world, and is now training for her 4th Olympic Competition. She is seriously the most humble, rad, down to earth girl I have ever met, and she is also very connected with the Lighthouse in Mammoth. Being able to train with her seems quite possible if I move there and I can at least be clued in to what it takes to become an Olympic Athlete. So BOOM...another dream that seems far-fetched but is suddenly beginning to look attainable.

Another dream is to live in healthy community-- and being apart of Lighthouse in Mammoth will also be a dream realized. There are so many other dreams on the horizon too by going to Mammoth I feel like I will be beginning to pursue them. It's crazy, but I never realized how important it is to chase after your dreams. I feel like a whole new person with passion and excitement about everyday life.

God is so faithful and it's so crazy to see what He has done inside of me over the last 9 months. The pruning He did was so vital for me to able to really begin to bloom. I feel as if that is finally starting to happen. I am seriously blossoming like I never have before. I feel so much more healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally.

Is everything perfect in me?

Not even close....but I just feel like I am finally well on my way to becoming the best person I can be. I am learning, living, laughing, and loving more.

I know there is much hard work to be done before the fruit arrives, but gee does it feel great to be heading in the right direction!

Yay God!! Thanks for being so faithful!!! I am going to keep dreaming BIG!

Belief

Belief is what makes me who I am, it's what drives me everyday.

 Why would I ever deny what I believe? Why do I cower in fear of offending or making people uncomfortable?

You like who I am, but you don't like what I believe-- when what I believe makes me who I am?

Call me crazy. Call me weird. Call me zealous.

I'd rather have passion than indifference. Empathy than apathy.

I wasn't made to fit in, in fact, i was made to be set apart for/concentrated to God. Any other life will not satisfy me.

Imperfection

Something is not lining up.

Forcing things to makes sense doesn't make them make sense, it only makes them complicated.

Sometimes you just have to let things be and be free.

I am who I am. I'm not going to be who you want me to be. I'm not going to pretend I have everything perfect. If you can't acceptt my flaws, then you don't get to enjoy my perfections. If you can't accept me at my worse, then you can't have me at my best.

God is my foundation, the one in whom I trust. Am I super spiritual about it all the time?---no. Is He the one I look to everyday?---yes.

Churchianity, as I like to call it, can be quite annoying at times. It's not always realistic at times, it's not always practical either.

Like, it's totally Kingdom to have God be apart of our everyday life---that is without question, but that doesn't mean that we have to be elsewhere all the time. By that I mean....it's okay to be down to earth.

I'm just super irritated by performance. I'm also irritated by over-spiritualization.

Maybe I'm irritated by those two things, because they are the two things I struggle with the  most right now. I'm just trying to now be really real, and really honest.

I'm not going to look pretty all the time and deceive you into thinking I'm perfect. Anyone can look like they have it all together, but let's be real for a second....how many of us actually do?

It's not about having it all together, so let's stop pretending. Let's live, let's believe, let's thrive, let's belong.

It's okay where ever we are at. It's all going to be fine. Let's not worry about tomorrow when we only have the grace for today. We'll make it.

I don't care if people listen now or later, they will hear the truth and know.

My heart cries out for the hungry. It laments for the lost. It weeps for the broken. It mourns for the thirsty.

Time is drawing near. We are coming to the edge. Decisions need to be made. Our destiny awaits.

Boom

I feel like I'm almost there.

I'm so close---it could be any day now.

Any day.

I'm feeling free now. I feel free to be me.

I'm not afraid anymore, in fact, I'm bold.

I'm powerful. I'm valuable.

No longer do I need approval of others. If I don't live by the praises of man, I won't die by the criticisms either.

I'm seriously just stoked on life right now.

It's funny how the pendulum swings...I'm still patiently awaiting what is next....but I'm freaking going to Costa Rica which will be rad in epic proportions.

Thanks papa for taking such great care of your kiddo!

Ashamed

Why am I feeling this pain?

I'm so thankful for my life.

I'm so thankful for the people in my life.

I love people. People motivate me. People Inspire me. People move me.

I have an eclectic group of friends. It's really hard to combine them at times.

It's interesting when you get together with people you were close with for a period of time in your life...and now you've all completely changed....so what does "hanging out" look like now?

It's so easy to go back to the way things used to be, but I am a new me. I have integrity.

I could sit here and look and the things I've done wrong in my life. I can criticize myself and look at all the areas in which I fall short in my relationships and personal growth. But I'm sick of that. I'm sick at focusing on my short-comings.

I am doing the best I can. Yeah, there is always room for improvement. I really wish my friends would confront me on areas I need to improve, because I know I am my own worst critic. I need outside perspective. Words of affirmation are always nice.

It's exhausting trying to be perfect. I feel like I'm trying to do that again--and I don't want to. It's my fall-back approach to life.

I feel like I need a confidence booster. I realize I'm seeking out approval from people again, and it sucks. Why can't I just realize I'm awesome and live it out? Like I know I am, but it's super nice to hear it. lol.

Insecurity sucks. I thought I was over this. I thought I knew who I was. Lord, why do we so easily forget? Why am I so easily discouraged?

I'm spreading myself too thin again. Trying to do everything for everyone and I end up doing nothing for anyone.

I really just have this desire to be excellent at what is good and innocent of evil.

I want to love people like they've never been loved before.

I want to be all that God has created me to be and open the door for others to do the same.

I don't want to be insecure. Being with my old high school friends brought up a lot of feelings from the past---ugh! It bothers me. I just want to be me and not confined to their pre-conceived ideas of who I am. 

God, help me as I walk through this season of my life. Direct my path, and help me to draw closer to you. I can't take this back and forth crap---I need my theology and reality to collide. I need my heart and mind to cooperate. Lord, you've fashioned me in a way that is completely different than any other person on this planet. I'm so thankful for my individual calling in life. Lord, help me to walk in confidence and compassion, love and peace, hope and health.

Father, heal my heart. Take away my pain. Forgive my wrongs. Direct my path.

Thanks Dad that I am still qualified.

Love

My friend told me something somewhat profound to me tonight that rang a few bells in my head.

Love isn't always being nice. Love is kind---but it isn't always nice.

Boom. I don't have to always be the nice girl. I don't have to get run over. I am powerful and free.

Sometimes love hurts. Sometimes love is honest. Sometimes love is tough.

But Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. It's patient and kind, yes. But it holds POWER.

Love never fails.

Giggles

I am an almond

You are a seed

You cannot meet all of my needs

I am a lily

You are a tree

I cannot keep you company

I am a blue jay

You are a turtle

You cannot get over the hurdle

I am a tiger

You are a bear

There is nothing much we can share


Is there any way you can see, that together we were not meant to be?

My heart hurts

My heart is aching still.

Into me you see

I feel my heart cracking open again.

I forgot that's what happens when you step forward into vulnerability.

I've been living much more vulnerably that I used to, and honestly its wonderful. The only scary part is when someone is even more vulnerable in response.

What now? This wasn't supposed to happen. Rejection is manageable---but mutual attraction---crap! lol.

I've been very honest and real with this guy. We've been through a lot together and seen each other through good times and not so good times.

I actually used to like him a lot. We had a fling a while back, but I was the one who was more interested than he. I think back then he was afraid of intimacy.

I'm just in a pickle because now he's the one after me. I established boundaries and standards, and he rose to them. He is being exceptionally considerate of me and respecting my every wish, being careful not to cross my boundaries. Taking me out to breakfast just because he wants to, and expecting nothing in return. Giving me guitar lessons, buying me coffee, taking me to a concert----the list goes on---all just as a friend because he wants to.

His heart is pure gold. He is open and willing to communicate. His communication skills are exceptional for a male, and his ability to express his feelings exquisite. He is ambitious, courageous, and constantly seeking out ways to become a better person.

Did I mention he is attractive?

His smile alluring. His eyes piercing.

The way he gently bites his tongue with a smile and tilts his head to the side when he is teased is nothing short of adorable.

So why my hesitation?

I think partially our history together makes me nervous. Having had feelings for him in the past that were all but crushed, it's difficult to want to put my heart out on the line again.

Also, as annoying as this sounds, I can't help but struggle with our differing views on life--even though there is a ton of overlap, our core values differ substantially.

This annoys me because the guys that I've come across with more similar core values flail in comparison to this guy. They don't know how to value a girl like he does.

I just have this strong desire for spiritual connection, as cheesy as it sounds.

I'm not exactly sure what that will look like---and I definitely don't want to be overly-spiritual, because I know God gave me a discernment for a purpose.

I'm just struggling because this is the second (for lack of a better word) "secular" guy that has raised up to my standards and proven that they have the all qualities that I am looking for.

So the question is, do I give him a second chance?

I want to be extraordinarily wise and careful in all my decisions at this point in my life, especially with dating. I don't want to close doors or open doors without the proper discernment.

So God, I give this to you. Lord, you know my heart and all it's desires. I trust You to direct my path.

Family time

I'm feeling oddly raw and vulnerable this night. It feels almost as if my heart is aching.

There is no explanation for these feelings. Nothing out of the ordinary has occurred.

I've been a nanny the last few days for a lovely couple. It hasn't been the easiest job I've ever had, and my eyes have definitely been opened to the adventures of parenting that await me. I am no longer in quite a rush, although it is something that my heart desires.

I feel like my heart breaks for family.

I've been reading quotes and blogs about family life---and there is so much heart ache and let-down involved.

I'm an observer, and I've seen the way America does family, and I'm not convinced we have it right.

The documentary "Babies" I also found to be quite fascinating.

I am having difficulty pin-pointing my feelings, but I am simply irritated with our failure at family. So many of us kids grew up in lives of privilege, that we are almost ruined for anything else. Our attempts to make life "easier" has resulted in us making life more complicated.

I have a desire to simplify my life. From my observations, families that live more simple lives seem to have more healthy family dynamics-- generally speaking that is. I just have this strong desire to see families succeed because family to me is one of the most important things in this world.

I'm looking for strategy. I'm seeking wisdom. I'm yearning for truth.

God, I just thank you for the precious gift of family. Lord, I ask that you restore what has been broken, and heal what has been hurt. Father, that you would show us how to succeed in the area of family. That we would see family dynamics be strong, loving, and powerful.

God forgive us for where we have fallen short. Thank you that we are not disqualified, and still have an incredible destiny ahead.

Getting into shape

Not physically necessarily, although it might as well be included, but it's time for me to start building up my endurance and getting into shape.

Spring time is coming, and with the changing of the seasons, means changing of the lifestyle. It's time to kick into gear.

I can already feel the change of pace. Blooming time is near.

I can feel myself enthralled with excitement. Growth has been exponential in me the last week or two.

I have been practicing being vulnerable in my relationships, and realizing that it is the most incredible way to live. I have a need for deep connection with people and I am understanding that vulnerability is the best way to get there.

Nannying this last week is also teaching me a lot about the season ahead and reminding me what I need to prepare myself for. I am incredibly excited to start a family, and I know giving life and rearing children in the way they should go will be one of the most significant contributions I make to this world. I also am realizing how incredible my life is now and how important the decisions I make today are, because they create my future.

The restructuring of my bones/foundations is nearly finished, and the rest of the body is forming accordingly. I know it will take care to maintain the health of this new structure, but I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I want to be.

It's wonderful to keep in mind that I don't have to be perfect. That God loves me just the way I am, and there is nothing I could do to keep me from his love. I don't have to be ashamed of what I've done wrong in the past, but I can live freely knowing it doesn't change the way he feels about me and doesn't disqualify me from my destiny.

The areas I've been attacked in---my self esteem/worth/value---ect---are the areas in which I am destined to flourish. I am a women of confidence, value, and high self-esteem because I am an over-comer. The issues passed down from generation to generation will end with me, and will not be passed down in future generations.

I'm so thankful for this period of time in my life where I can evaluate what is important to me and where I want to pour out my energy. I ready to live out my dreams and passions. I ready to be me wholly, completely, and confidently.

Are there/will there be hard times, issues, and fall backs? Of course. But with a solid foundation, the storms will come and go, and all will not be lost.

That reminds me of a song from my childhood:

"don't build your house on the sandy land--don't build it too near the shore....well it might look kinda nice, but you'll have to build it twice, yeah, you'll have to build your house once more...

You better build your house upon a rock---make a firm foundation on a solid spot---well the storms may come and go, but the peace of God you will know.."

So fun! Thought I'd share.

A jumble of thoughts

There is a lot on my mind in this moment. Yes, some of it has to do with a guy, but honestly that's not the majority of my thoughts.

I'm looking for an open door of opportunity.

It feels as if so many doors in my life have been closed for this particular season. It has been so healthy for me to learn to trust God, because he even takes care of the sparrows.

Focusing on my family has been terrific, and there has been breakthrough. Is everything perfect? No. Does it have to be? I'm not sure.

My self-discipline could improve. I've been giving myself a lot of grace in this season, but I feel like it's time to step forward. I've had a ton of rest, and now I want to run the race with endurance. I want charge forward to something new, exciting, fulfilling, and fun.

I want my excitement for life to overcome my often dreariness to work. I'm realizing now, I am motivated mostly by people. Having people in my life keeps me going strong and working hard. I do more than I normally  might when people are involved...It's when no one is watching that I need to be disciplined in how I spend my time.

Too many hours go to the wonderful book of faces. I am absolutely a people person, so I need to be careful of how my social needs are being met, and not letting online networks fulfill my need for community, because it's not reality. Obviously I have community here which I love, but I just have too many probably unhealthy engagements online. Chatting for hours with people I rarely see is not a priority in my life, so why do I do it?

My parents keep having discussions with me and want to know where I'm going in life. The difficult part of the discussions is that I don't have a very clear answer because, well, I'm learning to trust in God. The issue is, they are fearful that I am being "disabled" by living a privileged life without having to have paid the price for it. Their fear rubs off on me at times, and I begin to wonder if I am becoming "disabled" or unable to support myself.

The problem is, I know I can always get a whatever job, and make-do, but I know that I have a great purpose in life than to simply survive. I don't take whatever jobs out of fear that I won't have provision, but my parents think I'm being spoiled and that I don't know how to work hard. But, thats just it, I've worked hard in school my entire life, and I just am no longer convinced that striving is the way to success. I definitely don't think that means goofing off, but there is a difference between striving and thriving.

I want to thrive.

I'm tired, this is to be continued.....

Excellence

"Be excellent in what is good, be innocent of evil" Romans 15:19

Excellence. Yes. Be excellent.

I learn a lot when I teach.

I have this one student, I'll call him Larry for blogs sake, that I tutor in math. He is bright kid, but has little motivation to do school because he's been defeated, so he has little desire to even try. I have to encourage Larry that he can do all things through Christ, and that he was made for excellence---advice I ought to give myself more often.

I often get defeated when I fail. I begin to believe the lie that I just simply cannot do it---I am incapable--when that is clearly not the case.

I have this overwhelming desire for excellence. I want to excel in so many areas of my life, but when I see failure, I sometimes easily give up.

I want to be incredibly hard-working, not out of performance or obligation, but out of desire and passion. To be excellent in what is good---to bring Kingdom and shine light. Doesn't matter how many times I fall short,  I am not a failure unless I give up, unless I no longer try.

I am an over-comer. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

It was recently prophesied over me that major growth/ "blossoming" is coming sooner than I might anticipate, and that I am heading in the right direction.
hi
My excitement for the future is unexplainable. I know great things lay in store, and they are just around the corner.

Thanks God for the incredible season I am in, and for all that you have blessed me with. I am so thankful for the people in my life, the opportunities arising, and the ability to be excellent in what is good. God I just ask for continued growth and deeper intimacy with You, my King.

India

This morning/afternoon, I woke up to my mom entering my room, telling me it was 3:00pm.

"WHAT!" I exclaimed, "That crazy, I was just having super strange, intense dreams..."

I knew from the moment I woke up that my dreams were significant, but I couldn't remember what they were about. I always find it irritating when I am unable to recall a vivid dream I just awoke from less than five minutes ago.

I went on with my day, and later was checking facebook. The first post I saw was from a friend of mine who said the were going to Iceland tomorrow.

India! That's it! I remembered!

The post brought me back to a part of my dream where I posted on facebook that I was on my way to India.

It was a completely random dream. Typically my dreams reflect my recent adventures, but this particular dream was one of those out-of-the-box/where-did-that-come-from dream.

I dreamt my family won a trip to a Disney Theme park someone in the world, but where was a surprise. We all went aboard this jet filled with other who had won the same trip---everyone was eager with anticipation to find out where in the world we were going. At some point on the flight, the beans were spilled. We were going to INDIA! Thus, I posted on facebook: on my way to India---crazy!

India was a bit surprising, but we were all excited to visit another country and we believed without a doubt it would be fun. When we arrived we were escorted by the Disney staff, but behind them were people broken, hurt, and dying. We were unable to speak with anyone because they spoke a different language.

The Disney people escorted us to a roller coaster which we gladly hopped on. The roller coaster took us through the town, and we saw more hungry, hurting, abandoned, and broken people who were looking at us with utter resentment.

It was hard to enjoy the ride when you see so many people in pain. My heart went out to the people, but we all felt so helpless. What could we do?

That  is all I could recall from the dream, but I shared it with my parents and it brought about some good conversation. We all are considering how we can better love our neighbors and help those in need. We are incredibly blessed, but sometimes it is hard to enjoy when you know people around you are in need. I don't believe feeling guilty for the blessings is the appropriate response, but rather acting out in love and care for those in need. We can start in our corner of the world, but I do hope someday to travel the world and impact more than just our city.


 

Confrontation

It's always super awkward to confront issues to people.

Today was a fascinating day. Full of highs, lows and I don't knows.

Overall, I felt as if today brought more hope into my life.

I met with an incredible girl from Florida today and I felt as if she had a remarkably similar story to my own. I feel as if she is a potential incredible friend and I am more than stoked about growing closer with her.

Now the story of the guy I confronted begins.

So yesterday I found out via e-mail that I was not going to co-facilitate the singles workshop with the guy I thought I was going to co-facilitate with. He is one of the main leaders and I was thrilled at the possibility of leading a small group with him, as I feel we have a lot of common ground and he is super solid in leading. On discovering I was instead co-facilitating with a stranger, I couldn't help but feel disappointed and even slightly rejected (knowing that he more than likely had a say in the matter).

Now there is nothing even remotely romantic that has occurred between us, and our few encounters have been simple and sweet. I saw a lot of potential in becoming great friends with this guy simply because I felt as if there we could really relate. I feel like from multiple of our mutual friends, I was mislead into thinking that this guy was excited about co-facilitating with me also. This sudden change simply caught me off-guard and I was left feeling rejected, as if he frankly didn't want to co-facilitate with me.

It took me all day today to come to terms with this change. I did the positivity drill and looked at the bright side of things. I was nervous about whoever this guy was that I was now going to lead with, but I determined that whoever he may be, the experience of working with someone will in itself be a growing experience.

Arriving at the workshop I began conversing with my new co-facilitator immediately. It was good to rid the anxiety of who in the world this guy was. He appeared friendly, confident, and considerate.

The meeting started and our group appeared to have good chemistry. The people appeared willing and enthusiastic about the workshop. Leading with this guy I never talked to prior to this evening worked fine, although I see possible red flags that I intend to address as soon as possible. He is a very strong, confident leader who enjoy talking a lot--which is totally great. The possible issue I see is that I need to feel empowered as a co-leader. I saw myself supporting and standing behind his decisions and suggestions, but I didn't feel that reciprocated as much---it felt almost like a competition from my perspective--I would suggest something, and he would re-suggest something different and then take over doing what I suggested. His suggestions were great and he is a wonderful leader, but I need to see a team work and support for one another when I'm working with someone and I haven't quite felt that yet. I'm considering mentioning something in a loving way before it becomes an issue. Just let him know what I need as a co-leader and let him know I want to empower him and have it reciprocated so we are both being powerful people.

That was a long stream of thought....back to confronting story...

So after the meeting, I wanted to say something to the guy I was originally supposed to lead with. He is a great guy and I wanted him to be aware of how I felt about the situation out of respect for him because I know that it wasn't his intention for me to feel that way and I don't want to hide my feelings---this is a workshop on learning about relationships.

I know that it's important to communicate. Sometimes I question if my communication is too bold--but I know that I would appreciate someone telling me instead of being hurt and hiding from me and I'm left with no idea on what I did. So it was purely out of love and respect for this guy that I decided to talk with him about it.

He was busy talking with people after the meeting and I stuck around an hour after chatting in hopes that I would get a chance to say something to him. The chance did not present itself simply, so after 10pm I decided to just go home and drop it.

My mom was at home and talking to her convinced me that talking to him would be a good idea. Riled up in the moment, I shot him a text letting him know I wanted to talk with him whenever was convenient for him. Within minutes he texted back we could talk on the phone if I wasn't tired unless I wanted to talk in person. I figured it was best to get it off my chest before I dismissed it again.

So I called him.

"Hey, how was your group?" I started the conversation off shyly.

"Great" he replied courteously, "I'm really excited with it."

The conversation went on for a second, and it wasn't long before I cut to the chase.

"So, I guess I got my feelings hurt..." I began.

Gah, this is vulnerable and awkward. I thought immediately.

I didn't want him to think I was crushing on him or anything, because that truly wasn't the case. This is a respectable guy that is one of the few brave enough to handle tough conversations. I honestly thought the conversation with him would have been a bit easier considering the whole workshop is about learning how to work through relationship stuff. I felt a bit unprepared, and maybe slightly impulsive with my decision to call him.

It was hard, because I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was expecting something to come from the conversation or that maybe he had something to say that I could feed off of, but something felt off.

I felt a bit like I was attacking him, which wasn't my intention and I don't know if I communicated that well. My reasoning was purely out of desire to have healthy relationship and people that care about each other tell each other what is up.

He said all the right/predictable things that I had expected and I felt like he was trying to defend himself, probably because I came off attacking. He apologized and let me know it wasn't personal and that he hoped we still would become great friends.

"Are you at peace about everything now?" He asked in the kindest tone.

No, I thought to myself as tears began to well up in my eyes.

"Yea..." I said hesitantly, " maybe..."

I couldn't figure out why I wasn't at peace about it. Was I expecting something? I just felt like something from the equation was missing and I didn't get the reply I was looking for.

We talked a few minutes longer and I did the positivity drill to convince myself all was for the best. I tried to express that I simply felt at loss for not being able to lead with him because I wanted to grow closer in our friendship. He asked again if I was at peace about it, and I felt I had talked myself into being at peace about it--even though I still felt like I didn't find what I was looking for---but it's hard to find something when you don't know what it is your looking for exactly.

"Yeah" I said confidently, "I'm at peace."

The conversation ended. It was hard, but I felt it was in no way a loss trying to communicate. I just hope the message went across clear.

I'm super excited about the whole workshop and I know it's going to be very good for both of us. I feel like there are a ton of challenges headed my way, but I am excited about moving toward those challenges confidently. I also want to talk more with the guy I'm going to be leading with just to touch base and start things off on a solid note.

I'm tired of being that "yes" girl that lets everything roll off my back. I'm excited to gain skill on addressing issues simply out of love and care for people and desire for healthy relationship, but I realize I still have some work to do. I just hope people will have the love and courage to confront and approach me as well. I really know people care about me when they are brave enough to talk and confront me on stuff--that is how I've made some of my best friends.

I'm not going to lie, talking with this guy was super tough---more difficult than I anticipated--but I'm so thankful that he is such a great loving guy that I feel comfortable enough to be able to share my feelings with him. I hope it wasn't too much to fast (or so to speak), and that he receives my call in a loving way.

I guess now only time will tell what the future behold. Or God, of course...but Abba seems to enjoy surprising me---which I'm learning be happy about. I am learning to expect the unexpected trusting that Papa God is looking out for me and protecting my heart =)

What a beautiful journey He's taking me on!

Ps----things in my family felt INCREDIBLY better today---it made my heart happy to know that my time is not being wasted--I laugh that I ever believed that lie!

Breaking down

I broke down tonight.

It was utterly unexpected.

I've been sick the past few days with a cold/cough/asthma issue and I absolutely despise being ill. I had made plans for girls to come over tonight weeks ago and I was determined to not let some lousy cold/crap thing to rain on my parade. So, I simply took every symptom reliever I knew to take and waited anxiously for the evening to arrive.

The ladies quickly trickled over to my house and before I knew it, I was a host to a houseful of happy hormones. These are all amazing women and there energy was delightful, but I was frustrated with my inability to keep up. My head was throbbing and I felt as if I couldn't breathe with the asthma tightening my throat in all the excitement.

After welcoming conversations and preparing popcorn we headed up stairs to watch a wellness conference. The whole time I couldn't keep my mind off of the difficulty I was having breathing. I lay, arms stretched out to open my lungs, and concentrated on breathing with my diaphragm.

Wheezing, wheezing, and more wheezing.

God why am I sick? I've been doing everything to be healthy---this doesn't make sense!

Listening to women speak of wellness you tend to realize how "unwell" you are. Especially when your sick.

After we listened, us women began to discuss some of our struggles with wellness. I began sharing how I was so frustrated I was sick when I've been doing everything  I know on the externals to be healthy.

I began to process my  feelings out loud, and before I could think twice, I was in tears because I was beginning to understand that I was sick not because of external factors, but because of internal ones.

I have been bottling my emotions because things in my family were starting to get icky again, and I didn't want to deal with it. I am disappointed because my relationship with my family is not where I want it to be, and it's frustrating because that is the main reason I came home in the first place-- I wanted to work on the relationships! Things were going well in the beginning, but now my parents are having issues again, I have little to no relationship with my brother, and my sister moved to Colorado so I can no longer see her on a regular basis. 

My family is again in a rut and I have no idea what to do about it. My initial reaction is to turn and run---but I feel like I need to hit some issues head on. I'm excited about this singles workshop because I know it's going to be so healthy for me, but I really want to see improvement in my relationship with my family. I see myself avoiding conflict instead of nipping it in the butt. I know this stuff that my family is dealing with is so trivial in the larger spectrum of life. We can absolute overcome this bump in the road. Unity is powerful, and I know that is 100% achievable.  I think I'm going to confront some issues head on tomorrow.

Lord, give me strength. I know that you are preparing me for greatness so help me to turn to you in moments of hardship. Lord, let me not be discouraged, but encourage because struggles mean growth and hardships only help me understand how great the good times are. Thank you for the process your walking me through Lord so that I may be a strong, hopeful, and powerful woman of God. Lord, thank you for your faithfulness and love---Show me how to love like You do.

Reflection

It's nice to have time to sit and simply think about my life. Time to reflect the past, enjoy the present, and ponder the future.

There are many dreams I have for my life, but they seem to be vague, unrelated, and in no particular direction.

I want my life to be a wild adventure full of creativity and excitement. It's amazing to think that I'm on the journey to becoming the person I want to be in this world. I am stepping into my destiny---one little step at a time.

My future depends on the decisions I make today. Who I am depends on who I chose to be.

For me, it's difficult to find an area to focus on. It seems as if there is so much I want to do, and  not enough time to do it. I feel as if I need to chose something and just go---just do it. I want to just go for it. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

The great realization is that there is no formula. I am free to be my own person and it doesn't have to look like anyone else that has come before me.

I am ready to be passionate. I am ready to fight for my dreams. To fight for my destiny.

My life is worth living. My life is precious. My life is meaningful. My life is an adventure.

And it's not because of what I do---it's simply because of who I am.

Surprise, surprise

Yesterday I was contacted by someone whom I used to despise.

I remember being ridiculed by this individual for various reasons---my faith being one of them.

He was a junior in high school when I was a freshman. He was popular upperclassman, and I was timid fresh meat.

He had a charming demeanor with his bright blues eyes and innocent smile. You could see in his eyes the depth that lay beneath, but it often was hidden by a boy who wanted to be accepted by his peers--and having depth was never socially acceptable for a youth of his stature. All the girls fell for his charm but I resisted it because to me, actions speak louder than words. I saw the way he would tease and belittle people and I wasn't about to let an attractive young man woo me from my morality.

"Hey I was thinking about you the other day" he wrote on facebook chat, "there was a chaplain who gave us a bible and my buddies and I were reading it...one of them became a christian..."

He is currently in the Marine Corps serving in Afganistan when he wrote this to me. I haven't talked to his guy in years.....the last thing I remember of him was that he yelled "QUITTER!" to me as I walked the hallways of high school after I quit the track team before I moved to Redding. I remember feeling humiliated. Not sure if I've talked to him since then.

I remember having a four hour discussion with him on a bus trip back from an away football game. He was basically trying to convince me that my beliefs were wrong and I was to determined to defend my beliefs. Lets just say the conversations didn't go well.

I had no idea what to say to this guy who used to intimidate me in high school and is now serving our country in Afghanistan. I was delighted that he thought of me because of the christian ordeal, it definitely made me chuckle--and there is no sense in holding a grudge against silly high school drama---so I engaged him in polite conversation.

His stories were mind boggling. I guess its true what they say---all is fair in love or war.

Stories of his life seem so unfair.

Tragedy, trauma, tribes, and tribulations.

He's definitely grown leaps and bounds since I last saw him.

I'm still in awe over the whole encounter. I feel incredibly proud of this guy who chose to step out of his comfort zone and put his life on the line for his country. I feel my heart going out to him in his heart ache and pain he's encountered. I empathize with him.

I choose to forgive instead of be bitter of the way he treated me in the past so I can embrace who he is now. I'm thankful that I get to see the change in him and be able to converse with him while he remains in the hardships of Afghanistan life.

He helps me remember how short life is and how much I have to be thankful for. He tells me of the frequent deaths he encounter and his immunity to the thought of dying. To know that life is precious and it's wonderful to live right now out loud---being all we were created to be.

Free to be.

Thank you Lord for your incredible provision, peace, joy, hope, faith, and love you've given to me. It's only by your grace that I am incredibly blessed. Please protect J******'s mind, body, and spirit as he serves in Afghanistan. Lord that you would comfort him and his friends---give them overwhelming peace, joy, faith, hope, and love. Thank you, Father, for you care and for this encounter.

Insanity or spontaneity ?

Yesterday I was invited to go to Mammoth-- and we're leaving tomorrow.

I love that I have the freedom to spontaneously go on a trip to Mammoth----however I have this question in my mind that keeps arising---It sounds a bit like my mom's voice.

Is it wise to go?

This question particularly is looking at my financial situation. I have no steady income. Trips cost money.

Do I have the money to go? Yes.

Do I want to keep draining my savings account? Not particularly.

I have been extraordinarily provided for financially throughout my life---and throughout my seasons of unemployment. God has ALWAYS provided the means for me---the job, the income, the provisions---whatever it may be---so questioning God's provision feels wrong. Finances is something that I never want to be consumed with because I know how it can completely control people----and thus they become slaves of what they want.

I can live happily with very little. Having abundance is something I thank God for every day---because He is a God of more than enough. I don't have to go on this trip--but I feel like it would be a good opportunity--and I know that God takes delight in me and that which I take delight in.

I just want to make sure I'm being a good steward of that which he has given me. Just because He has provided for me, doesn't mean that I have permission to go live frivolously. I want to live intentionally.

I want this trip to Mammoth to have purpose. I want this trip to be an investment into relationships. I want to find a way to bless the people I encounter on my trip just as God has blessed me. I want to sew what I've reaped----sounds backwards a bit---but if I've reaped juicy yummy fruit from many people that came before me---so I want to plant the seeds of that fruit so others can take pleasure in delicious fruit as well.

It's a process that I'm learning about--but I don't ever want to feel entitled to that which I've been given in the past. It is a gift---and I am forever thankful for my inheritance---I'm not talking specifically about finances here although it plays it role---but my inheritance of the life I've been given in general: the community established for me, the breakthrough of my ancestors, the culture of honor establish, ect---many of these things others laid the foundations for, and I got to live in the building they worked hard and sacrificed to build. I don't want to take it for granted---I want to steward the building and make it successful and purposeful. To bless people with it, and to help it prosper even more. Okay, so this is an odd metaphor, but I just dislike how many of the people in my generation, including me, take so much for granted because everything has been handed to us on a silver platter. It time we start stewarding that which we've been given.

So, going off on my tangent, I just want to make sure that me going on a trip isn't being frivolous and irresponsible. I honestly don't even know what is going to happen on this trip, but I feel the grace to go. So it's an adventure where I can be intentional in investing in others. I am excited to see how God uses me this week! Here I come Mammy!

Faith vs. disbelief

Browsing my blog, I find it fascinating how much I've changed in such a short period of time. Even my perspectives on recent challenges are changing.

The heart-ache seems so distant---and the peace in my soul is so evident.

I had a conversation with an Agnostic friend the other day where I found myself content with the conversation. I used to be frustrated in conversations about religion  because they always seem so circular---but this conversation was different.

Having been on both ends of the spectrum--- Christian and Agnostic (I was border-line Atheist for a period of time)--- and having studied and researched religions and lack there of---this is what I've found:

I cannot prove God exists. Philosophers hate this---but I can not even logically deduct that God is real. Studying history--I am extremely irritated by the christian church for it's instances of corruption.

However, if I could logically prove God exists, there would be no such thing as faith. Studying history, I can also find negative stories about highly significant world changers--like Abraham Lincoln or John F. Kennedy--but it doesn't change what they did/who they are.

You can debate logic and philosophy forever if you'd like---but there is more to intelligence than academia--there is also something called emotional intelligence. The Ancient Greeks even realized that we need to have a balance in our mind, body, and spirit. Not just our mind people!

So hear me out...

What I noticed most about being on both ends of the spectrum was my emotional state---which I believe was reflecting my spirit.

When I was in disbelief of God, when I thought believing in God was causing me to be "close minded"--- My soul was in constant torment. I was smoking weed, drinking til I blacked out, hooking up with guys, shutting myself off emotionally, taking amphetamines---subconsciously trying everything and anything to escape the torment I was in.

It wasn't until I felt that I was broken beyond repair--that I began to cry out to a God that I had long ago given up on.

One day, when I was incredibly sick with nausea and fever (I was often sick during that period of time in my life), I told God I would quit drinking and smoking if He would make me well.

BAM. Literally in that instant---I was 100% better.

The period of time in my life when I believe wholeheartedly in God---There is an unexplainable peace in my soul. I once again see purpose in my life. I once again feel passionate and complete.

Obviously there as still trials and tribulations---but the inner peace I feel helps me to face the challenges with excitement and determination.

Maybe someday I will discover that I was wrong to believe in God, but I will not sabotage the peace I have that surpasses all understanding when I trust in Him. I never want to go back to the torment I was in. 

I chose to live by faith, even if it means looking beyond reason.

Faithfulness and Grace

I think I need to write when I feel inspired. I felt inspired to write earlier today---but I was in the middle of a project so I put writing off until tonight---and now I feel completely uninspired. It's quite odd.

Ah, wait, I remember.

Grace. That's it.

Monday I received and unexpected phone call.

"Hey Elise, I was wondering if you would be interested in being apart of our leadership team for our relationship group for single people....." (Or something similar)

Who, me? That was my internal reaction.

How did I ever get considered to be one of the few leaders for this quite prestigious project? I thought.

She hardly knows me---the woman is putting on this class for people in our church. She is VERY well known in the church---Her husband and her are councilors and leaders of relationship classes.

For those of you who don't know---the church I occasionally attend is quite large with a ministry school of approximately 1200 students.

This project has nothing to do with the ministry school---but I was extremely flattered that out of the masses of people to be chosen for this leadership position---I was chosen....How can that be?

I haven't gone to the ministry school. I'm a "no year". I met the main leader maybe once---and hung out with her sons maybe three times. Basically---I thought from the outside I didn't appeared qualified at all---and how in the world could she know how much I've grown on the inside?

Well one reason I believe is that one of my good friends might have recommended me--whom I'm extremely thankful for. But I know I owe all the glory to God because I believe that He opened this door--He aligned the relationships, and He is the one who told me to trust Him. He has proven Himself faithful every time and I am more than excited for what the future holds.

A few weeks ago I was unsure what I was going to do this next semester---I was eager for more connections with my sister leaving for Colorado--having one less person around for support-- in the Ding---we all are in need lots of support.

So basically it's always incredible to be "promoted" not by our own works---but by trusting God. I did not earn this leadership position, I did not ask for it---It is entirely because of God's grace for His kiddo in whom He adores---that's me! =) He knows me soo well too---this position is right up my alley in an area I love---relationships!!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path"--The Bible (i forget where exactly--proverbs i think---I love proverbs)

Purpose

I used to think my thoughts were worthless

I used to think my mind was dull

I used to think my opinion powerless

I used to believe that I was small

I used to think my options were limited

I used to think I had nothing to give

I used to think I was inhibited

That was before I learned how to live


To live is to know that you were created

To reveal something that no one else can

To get out what inside of you is inflated

Is what He devised as the plan

Friend of inspiration

Friends

We have some that are there for the moments.

And others that are there for the journey.

Speaking of friends---

I was blessed to be able to meet up with one of my childhood favs--

Her and I became best "buds" in 8th grade---and although she moved 12 hours away after 8th grade graduation--we've kept in touch and stayed best friends all these years---despite our individual changes and growths.


She is an incredible gal. One in 6.8 billion. I've never met anyone like her.

Her faith is stunning. Her love is radient. Her heart is pure. Her mind is powerful.

She is studying to become a doctor at one of the top schools in California--and will most like serve as a missionary doctor in a 3rd world country. She has a heart for those in dire need.

She took a semester abroad in Africa---and her adventurous spirit is brilliantly beautiful.

I'm am so blessed to have an incredible friend like her that is there for the journey.