Why is it that tragedy compels me to write. There is something about loss of life, that makes you put life back in perspective.
One of my dear friends from grade-school/high school had a beautiful baby girl. She was stunning and one of those kids that catches you eye. The little girl passed away about three days ago. I don't really know the details but I heard there was bleeding in her brain. Just tragic for a parent to lose their child. I can't even comprehend the pain. I never actually got the opportunity to meet this little girl as I have been off on my own adventures, but I feel like I knew her. I care about my friend, and I can only imagine the devastation she is going through right now.
All that to say, life is so unpredictable. Is life full of broken dreams and disappoint? Expectations never met? Hope deferred? Loss and pain? Heart-ache and trials? Are we young and full of vigor and expectation only to be let down by the unfolding of life's happenings? It's quite depressing thoughts really.
How do you say, that something like the loss of a child, is just a "growing experience". Or simply "something that makes you stronger". I always thought that things happen for a reason, but what reason is there for an innocent child to die? There is no rational. There is no justification. It's just tragic.
Is life full of tragedy? Is there reason to hope at all?
Listening to sermons the other day, i was struck by what Jenn Johnson had to say. Wow, what she spoke brought me to tears----it was about being a daughter of the king and the great privileged and responsibility that that entails. It was beautiful and inspiring. I used to hate obligation, doing this because i just "had to". It felt trapping to me. I wanted to feel free of simple obligation and shallow expectations about who I was, and how I was supposed to behave. There is something so fascinating about powerful, successful people. Most of the "famous" and "successful" and "inspirational" people I know are also that hardest workers. God, I want to be famous and looked up to, like they are, but damn, i do not want their level of obligation, responsibility and pressure. I had the "privileged" of working for an incredible, inspirational, admirable professional snowboarder, that is doing remarkable achievements for the industry. It's so inspiring, yet, I look and how she lives her life. I see the sacrifices she has made, and I think to myself, God, I don't think I could do that. I don't think I could sacrifice everything she does. Does that make me a bad person? Am I selfish. I need people. I need connection. I need time to waste.
This incredible athlete travels approximately 9 months out of the year. How can you have solid relationships when your environment is constantly changing and moving along with the people around you? I feel like no one can have it all. It's impossible. But what is it having it all? Is our western mind-set of having it all jaded by hollywood? Are we just brainwashed junkies for fame and fortune without true knowledge of what is success?
This is stream of my thoughts at 1 am on a Sunday night with a glass of champagne in my brain. Am I a hater? 100% of unrealized potential? Probably.
I know I haven't applied myself the way I am capable. I always feel burnt out when I get into stressful work/school situations. Am I lazy?
You know the past couple days, after hearing what Jenn Johnson spoke about at the Lovely woman's conference, I was inspired. I was inspired to ask God, "how can I steward the life you have given me today?" ..."what can I do to be faithful with what I have been given today?". It's an incredible shift when you look at life that way. Look at it as God has given me X amount of talents. How can I steward what I have been given each and every day. It's tough. I always feel like I didn't do enough. It's never enough. I'm never quite good enough.
But this is the life we lead. How do you be the best you can be despite the circumstances that come our way?
We can't control our circumstance, but we can control our stance. How can we bring purpose out of tragedy?
Jesus, help us. Helps us all.
