My heart is longing this evening.
Yearning for intimacy, for companionship.
It is not as though I am alone, I am surrounded by loving friends and family. My heart is full of love and joy---but there is still a longing for more.
Some might say that I just need more of God, and of course that is always true, He is all I really need, but in this particular circumstance, I felt as if this longing is healthy, it is real.
God is the one who gave this desire for intimacy to me. He gave me a heart that seeks after connection and depth. He is a God of covenant relationship.
It's easy in these moments to seek an outlet for this longing, or "aching" so-to-speak, instead of embracing the truth in what it is I am feeling, and recognizing that it is okay...and even good.
What I am feeling is indeed chastening in multiple areas of my life and it is, for lack of a better word, painful. However, I know that this "chastening" is strengthening me. It is teaching me self-discipline and helping me grow in purity and power. It's healthy to not indulge in everything you like but actually moderate what is sustaining you and being sure to get your nutrients. It might mean not eating that delicious ice cream cone because it will spoil your appetite for the dinner that will actually sustain, nourish, ans satisfy you---instead of making you crave more sugar and junk food that will just make you feel sick and eventually make you fat....lol.
Okay, so if you haven't caught on to my metaphor yet, I'll just be open, honest and vulnerable. Before I left for Costa, I had an interesting relationship with a guy friend of mine. We had talked about dating, but logically that didn't seem to be appropriate for where we were both at even though there was attraction there. We ended up just making out a few times before I left, and we totally played it off chill and didn't talk about it. I thought I could handle a "no strings attached" relationship.
Well, of course while in the beautiful land of Costa Rica, not only did I experience God's love like never before, but I also was convicted of my physical relationship with this guy. I realized I wasn't looking out for either of our well-being and I was separating my emotions from the physical elements in a relationship--- which is totally not something I want to mess up for future relationships.
So when I got back I talked to my friend and expressed in the most loving way I knew that it was better for both of us to refrain from hanging out for a while--at least until we can hang out without lusting one another.
Thus the chastening began....and has continued....which has been really good, but totally not always easy or fun. And it's not only in that area, but in other areas of my life as well...so I guess it's just more pruning...which eventually means more blooming.
All this to say, I know God is doing a great work in me amidst the "agony". I embrace this time of difficulty knowing that it means sustainability for the future. And I continue to put my trust in Him who makes all things work together for my good(:
