Imperfection

Something is not lining up.

Forcing things to makes sense doesn't make them make sense, it only makes them complicated.

Sometimes you just have to let things be and be free.

I am who I am. I'm not going to be who you want me to be. I'm not going to pretend I have everything perfect. If you can't acceptt my flaws, then you don't get to enjoy my perfections. If you can't accept me at my worse, then you can't have me at my best.

God is my foundation, the one in whom I trust. Am I super spiritual about it all the time?---no. Is He the one I look to everyday?---yes.

Churchianity, as I like to call it, can be quite annoying at times. It's not always realistic at times, it's not always practical either.

Like, it's totally Kingdom to have God be apart of our everyday life---that is without question, but that doesn't mean that we have to be elsewhere all the time. By that I mean....it's okay to be down to earth.

I'm just super irritated by performance. I'm also irritated by over-spiritualization.

Maybe I'm irritated by those two things, because they are the two things I struggle with the  most right now. I'm just trying to now be really real, and really honest.

I'm not going to look pretty all the time and deceive you into thinking I'm perfect. Anyone can look like they have it all together, but let's be real for a second....how many of us actually do?

It's not about having it all together, so let's stop pretending. Let's live, let's believe, let's thrive, let's belong.

It's okay where ever we are at. It's all going to be fine. Let's not worry about tomorrow when we only have the grace for today. We'll make it.

I don't care if people listen now or later, they will hear the truth and know.

My heart cries out for the hungry. It laments for the lost. It weeps for the broken. It mourns for the thirsty.

Time is drawing near. We are coming to the edge. Decisions need to be made. Our destiny awaits.

Boom

I feel like I'm almost there.

I'm so close---it could be any day now.

Any day.

I'm feeling free now. I feel free to be me.

I'm not afraid anymore, in fact, I'm bold.

I'm powerful. I'm valuable.

No longer do I need approval of others. If I don't live by the praises of man, I won't die by the criticisms either.

I'm seriously just stoked on life right now.

It's funny how the pendulum swings...I'm still patiently awaiting what is next....but I'm freaking going to Costa Rica which will be rad in epic proportions.

Thanks papa for taking such great care of your kiddo!

Ashamed

Why am I feeling this pain?

I'm so thankful for my life.

I'm so thankful for the people in my life.

I love people. People motivate me. People Inspire me. People move me.

I have an eclectic group of friends. It's really hard to combine them at times.

It's interesting when you get together with people you were close with for a period of time in your life...and now you've all completely changed....so what does "hanging out" look like now?

It's so easy to go back to the way things used to be, but I am a new me. I have integrity.

I could sit here and look and the things I've done wrong in my life. I can criticize myself and look at all the areas in which I fall short in my relationships and personal growth. But I'm sick of that. I'm sick at focusing on my short-comings.

I am doing the best I can. Yeah, there is always room for improvement. I really wish my friends would confront me on areas I need to improve, because I know I am my own worst critic. I need outside perspective. Words of affirmation are always nice.

It's exhausting trying to be perfect. I feel like I'm trying to do that again--and I don't want to. It's my fall-back approach to life.

I feel like I need a confidence booster. I realize I'm seeking out approval from people again, and it sucks. Why can't I just realize I'm awesome and live it out? Like I know I am, but it's super nice to hear it. lol.

Insecurity sucks. I thought I was over this. I thought I knew who I was. Lord, why do we so easily forget? Why am I so easily discouraged?

I'm spreading myself too thin again. Trying to do everything for everyone and I end up doing nothing for anyone.

I really just have this desire to be excellent at what is good and innocent of evil.

I want to love people like they've never been loved before.

I want to be all that God has created me to be and open the door for others to do the same.

I don't want to be insecure. Being with my old high school friends brought up a lot of feelings from the past---ugh! It bothers me. I just want to be me and not confined to their pre-conceived ideas of who I am. 

God, help me as I walk through this season of my life. Direct my path, and help me to draw closer to you. I can't take this back and forth crap---I need my theology and reality to collide. I need my heart and mind to cooperate. Lord, you've fashioned me in a way that is completely different than any other person on this planet. I'm so thankful for my individual calling in life. Lord, help me to walk in confidence and compassion, love and peace, hope and health.

Father, heal my heart. Take away my pain. Forgive my wrongs. Direct my path.

Thanks Dad that I am still qualified.

Love

My friend told me something somewhat profound to me tonight that rang a few bells in my head.

Love isn't always being nice. Love is kind---but it isn't always nice.

Boom. I don't have to always be the nice girl. I don't have to get run over. I am powerful and free.

Sometimes love hurts. Sometimes love is honest. Sometimes love is tough.

But Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. It's patient and kind, yes. But it holds POWER.

Love never fails.

Giggles

I am an almond

You are a seed

You cannot meet all of my needs

I am a lily

You are a tree

I cannot keep you company

I am a blue jay

You are a turtle

You cannot get over the hurdle

I am a tiger

You are a bear

There is nothing much we can share


Is there any way you can see, that together we were not meant to be?

My heart hurts

My heart is aching still.

Into me you see

I feel my heart cracking open again.

I forgot that's what happens when you step forward into vulnerability.

I've been living much more vulnerably that I used to, and honestly its wonderful. The only scary part is when someone is even more vulnerable in response.

What now? This wasn't supposed to happen. Rejection is manageable---but mutual attraction---crap! lol.

I've been very honest and real with this guy. We've been through a lot together and seen each other through good times and not so good times.

I actually used to like him a lot. We had a fling a while back, but I was the one who was more interested than he. I think back then he was afraid of intimacy.

I'm just in a pickle because now he's the one after me. I established boundaries and standards, and he rose to them. He is being exceptionally considerate of me and respecting my every wish, being careful not to cross my boundaries. Taking me out to breakfast just because he wants to, and expecting nothing in return. Giving me guitar lessons, buying me coffee, taking me to a concert----the list goes on---all just as a friend because he wants to.

His heart is pure gold. He is open and willing to communicate. His communication skills are exceptional for a male, and his ability to express his feelings exquisite. He is ambitious, courageous, and constantly seeking out ways to become a better person.

Did I mention he is attractive?

His smile alluring. His eyes piercing.

The way he gently bites his tongue with a smile and tilts his head to the side when he is teased is nothing short of adorable.

So why my hesitation?

I think partially our history together makes me nervous. Having had feelings for him in the past that were all but crushed, it's difficult to want to put my heart out on the line again.

Also, as annoying as this sounds, I can't help but struggle with our differing views on life--even though there is a ton of overlap, our core values differ substantially.

This annoys me because the guys that I've come across with more similar core values flail in comparison to this guy. They don't know how to value a girl like he does.

I just have this strong desire for spiritual connection, as cheesy as it sounds.

I'm not exactly sure what that will look like---and I definitely don't want to be overly-spiritual, because I know God gave me a discernment for a purpose.

I'm just struggling because this is the second (for lack of a better word) "secular" guy that has raised up to my standards and proven that they have the all qualities that I am looking for.

So the question is, do I give him a second chance?

I want to be extraordinarily wise and careful in all my decisions at this point in my life, especially with dating. I don't want to close doors or open doors without the proper discernment.

So God, I give this to you. Lord, you know my heart and all it's desires. I trust You to direct my path.

Family time

I'm feeling oddly raw and vulnerable this night. It feels almost as if my heart is aching.

There is no explanation for these feelings. Nothing out of the ordinary has occurred.

I've been a nanny the last few days for a lovely couple. It hasn't been the easiest job I've ever had, and my eyes have definitely been opened to the adventures of parenting that await me. I am no longer in quite a rush, although it is something that my heart desires.

I feel like my heart breaks for family.

I've been reading quotes and blogs about family life---and there is so much heart ache and let-down involved.

I'm an observer, and I've seen the way America does family, and I'm not convinced we have it right.

The documentary "Babies" I also found to be quite fascinating.

I am having difficulty pin-pointing my feelings, but I am simply irritated with our failure at family. So many of us kids grew up in lives of privilege, that we are almost ruined for anything else. Our attempts to make life "easier" has resulted in us making life more complicated.

I have a desire to simplify my life. From my observations, families that live more simple lives seem to have more healthy family dynamics-- generally speaking that is. I just have this strong desire to see families succeed because family to me is one of the most important things in this world.

I'm looking for strategy. I'm seeking wisdom. I'm yearning for truth.

God, I just thank you for the precious gift of family. Lord, I ask that you restore what has been broken, and heal what has been hurt. Father, that you would show us how to succeed in the area of family. That we would see family dynamics be strong, loving, and powerful.

God forgive us for where we have fallen short. Thank you that we are not disqualified, and still have an incredible destiny ahead.

Getting into shape

Not physically necessarily, although it might as well be included, but it's time for me to start building up my endurance and getting into shape.

Spring time is coming, and with the changing of the seasons, means changing of the lifestyle. It's time to kick into gear.

I can already feel the change of pace. Blooming time is near.

I can feel myself enthralled with excitement. Growth has been exponential in me the last week or two.

I have been practicing being vulnerable in my relationships, and realizing that it is the most incredible way to live. I have a need for deep connection with people and I am understanding that vulnerability is the best way to get there.

Nannying this last week is also teaching me a lot about the season ahead and reminding me what I need to prepare myself for. I am incredibly excited to start a family, and I know giving life and rearing children in the way they should go will be one of the most significant contributions I make to this world. I also am realizing how incredible my life is now and how important the decisions I make today are, because they create my future.

The restructuring of my bones/foundations is nearly finished, and the rest of the body is forming accordingly. I know it will take care to maintain the health of this new structure, but I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I want to be.

It's wonderful to keep in mind that I don't have to be perfect. That God loves me just the way I am, and there is nothing I could do to keep me from his love. I don't have to be ashamed of what I've done wrong in the past, but I can live freely knowing it doesn't change the way he feels about me and doesn't disqualify me from my destiny.

The areas I've been attacked in---my self esteem/worth/value---ect---are the areas in which I am destined to flourish. I am a women of confidence, value, and high self-esteem because I am an over-comer. The issues passed down from generation to generation will end with me, and will not be passed down in future generations.

I'm so thankful for this period of time in my life where I can evaluate what is important to me and where I want to pour out my energy. I ready to live out my dreams and passions. I ready to be me wholly, completely, and confidently.

Are there/will there be hard times, issues, and fall backs? Of course. But with a solid foundation, the storms will come and go, and all will not be lost.

That reminds me of a song from my childhood:

"don't build your house on the sandy land--don't build it too near the shore....well it might look kinda nice, but you'll have to build it twice, yeah, you'll have to build your house once more...

You better build your house upon a rock---make a firm foundation on a solid spot---well the storms may come and go, but the peace of God you will know.."

So fun! Thought I'd share.

A jumble of thoughts

There is a lot on my mind in this moment. Yes, some of it has to do with a guy, but honestly that's not the majority of my thoughts.

I'm looking for an open door of opportunity.

It feels as if so many doors in my life have been closed for this particular season. It has been so healthy for me to learn to trust God, because he even takes care of the sparrows.

Focusing on my family has been terrific, and there has been breakthrough. Is everything perfect? No. Does it have to be? I'm not sure.

My self-discipline could improve. I've been giving myself a lot of grace in this season, but I feel like it's time to step forward. I've had a ton of rest, and now I want to run the race with endurance. I want charge forward to something new, exciting, fulfilling, and fun.

I want my excitement for life to overcome my often dreariness to work. I'm realizing now, I am motivated mostly by people. Having people in my life keeps me going strong and working hard. I do more than I normally  might when people are involved...It's when no one is watching that I need to be disciplined in how I spend my time.

Too many hours go to the wonderful book of faces. I am absolutely a people person, so I need to be careful of how my social needs are being met, and not letting online networks fulfill my need for community, because it's not reality. Obviously I have community here which I love, but I just have too many probably unhealthy engagements online. Chatting for hours with people I rarely see is not a priority in my life, so why do I do it?

My parents keep having discussions with me and want to know where I'm going in life. The difficult part of the discussions is that I don't have a very clear answer because, well, I'm learning to trust in God. The issue is, they are fearful that I am being "disabled" by living a privileged life without having to have paid the price for it. Their fear rubs off on me at times, and I begin to wonder if I am becoming "disabled" or unable to support myself.

The problem is, I know I can always get a whatever job, and make-do, but I know that I have a great purpose in life than to simply survive. I don't take whatever jobs out of fear that I won't have provision, but my parents think I'm being spoiled and that I don't know how to work hard. But, thats just it, I've worked hard in school my entire life, and I just am no longer convinced that striving is the way to success. I definitely don't think that means goofing off, but there is a difference between striving and thriving.

I want to thrive.

I'm tired, this is to be continued.....

Excellence

"Be excellent in what is good, be innocent of evil" Romans 15:19

Excellence. Yes. Be excellent.

I learn a lot when I teach.

I have this one student, I'll call him Larry for blogs sake, that I tutor in math. He is bright kid, but has little motivation to do school because he's been defeated, so he has little desire to even try. I have to encourage Larry that he can do all things through Christ, and that he was made for excellence---advice I ought to give myself more often.

I often get defeated when I fail. I begin to believe the lie that I just simply cannot do it---I am incapable--when that is clearly not the case.

I have this overwhelming desire for excellence. I want to excel in so many areas of my life, but when I see failure, I sometimes easily give up.

I want to be incredibly hard-working, not out of performance or obligation, but out of desire and passion. To be excellent in what is good---to bring Kingdom and shine light. Doesn't matter how many times I fall short,  I am not a failure unless I give up, unless I no longer try.

I am an over-comer. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

It was recently prophesied over me that major growth/ "blossoming" is coming sooner than I might anticipate, and that I am heading in the right direction.
hi
My excitement for the future is unexplainable. I know great things lay in store, and they are just around the corner.

Thanks God for the incredible season I am in, and for all that you have blessed me with. I am so thankful for the people in my life, the opportunities arising, and the ability to be excellent in what is good. God I just ask for continued growth and deeper intimacy with You, my King.