A jumble of thoughts

There is a lot on my mind in this moment. Yes, some of it has to do with a guy, but honestly that's not the majority of my thoughts.

I'm looking for an open door of opportunity.

It feels as if so many doors in my life have been closed for this particular season. It has been so healthy for me to learn to trust God, because he even takes care of the sparrows.

Focusing on my family has been terrific, and there has been breakthrough. Is everything perfect? No. Does it have to be? I'm not sure.

My self-discipline could improve. I've been giving myself a lot of grace in this season, but I feel like it's time to step forward. I've had a ton of rest, and now I want to run the race with endurance. I want charge forward to something new, exciting, fulfilling, and fun.

I want my excitement for life to overcome my often dreariness to work. I'm realizing now, I am motivated mostly by people. Having people in my life keeps me going strong and working hard. I do more than I normally  might when people are involved...It's when no one is watching that I need to be disciplined in how I spend my time.

Too many hours go to the wonderful book of faces. I am absolutely a people person, so I need to be careful of how my social needs are being met, and not letting online networks fulfill my need for community, because it's not reality. Obviously I have community here which I love, but I just have too many probably unhealthy engagements online. Chatting for hours with people I rarely see is not a priority in my life, so why do I do it?

My parents keep having discussions with me and want to know where I'm going in life. The difficult part of the discussions is that I don't have a very clear answer because, well, I'm learning to trust in God. The issue is, they are fearful that I am being "disabled" by living a privileged life without having to have paid the price for it. Their fear rubs off on me at times, and I begin to wonder if I am becoming "disabled" or unable to support myself.

The problem is, I know I can always get a whatever job, and make-do, but I know that I have a great purpose in life than to simply survive. I don't take whatever jobs out of fear that I won't have provision, but my parents think I'm being spoiled and that I don't know how to work hard. But, thats just it, I've worked hard in school my entire life, and I just am no longer convinced that striving is the way to success. I definitely don't think that means goofing off, but there is a difference between striving and thriving.

I want to thrive.

I'm tired, this is to be continued.....