I had a great weekend. Friday night I went to my friend Lily's Birthday party and it was a blast. Mostly bethel people attended and there was plenty of dancing and fun conversations. I had some conversations with Matt--an international student--and I couldn't help but feel that there was some possible attraction there. He is an awesome guy, but my only concern in our understanding of one another. Conversation with him is often difficult because I can't always understand him and I don't think he can always understand me. Joking around can be challenging sometimes. He is a fun, upbeat guy though, but I still don't know all that much about him. The guy that I originally liked from church was there--I definitely got some weird vibes from him--felt like he distanced himself from me--maybe he sensed my attraction toward him and didn't want to reciprocate--i'm not sure---honestly I'm not that worried about it---It was a school girl crush and I just wanted to get to know him more--which I did---and I'm content. He's still a neat guy, but my feelings have gone.
Saturday I drove to Sac to visit some old friends. We went to Nick's ranch which was a ton of fun! I loved meeting his family--kinda took me by surprise. Their family dynamics were attractive to me. Nick took us skeet shooting, horseback riding, zip-lining---the works. Nick has been extraordinarily kind to me and I know he's liked me in the past. On the way home he texted me and told me he wanted me in his life and that the 2.5hr drive is nothing--I'm totally worth it--he would drive down every week just to be with me. Sooo---i'm not sure how honest that was---it felt pretty genuine and sincere to me--I was definitely flattered---no guy has ever said anything like that to me before--and I think he meant it. I just unfortunately don't know if thats what I want or not.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Preparing the heart
I haven't talked to the church guy since that night I was humbled. Seems silly, but I question my own intentions.
I used to believe that I didn't want to get married, and that I would be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life. That was back when I wasn't always honest with myself.
God made us to be relational beings. I desire the intimacy that comes with being in a covenant relationship with another human being. I believe that God knows the desires of my heart and He wants the best for me. I believe He wants to reveal His glory in successful, sustainable, and satisfying marriages.
In this time of my life, I think God is showing me that I need to get my satisfaction from Him. There is no man on this planet that can fulfill me---that can give me everything I need--and vice versa---I can never completely satisfy a man. It has to be God. God has to be what we are full of. God has to be the one in whom I trust. If I trust God, I can be prepared to expect the unexpected. When things go wrong in a relationship and people don't always do what you want them to, it's easy to put your trust in your expectation of them instead of putting your trust in God. Putting your trust in your expectations of what you think they should do is a set-up for getting hurt. People will not always meet your expectations, and how we respond to that is key. Are we disappointed, frustrated, mad, ect? Or do we trust that God has a plan and even if others aren't doing what we think they should be--we know that God love us and will take care of us even when know one else will.
I learned this last year when I got attached to this guy I really liked. I expected this guy to act a certain way, and when he didn't, I got hurt---because I trusted in my expectations of him instead of God.
Why I am bring this up today? I'm not really sure. I just am trusting God that He has a plan for my life and that he will provide a compatible life companion for me. No longer do I want to strive or worry about finding "the one"--but I want to trust that God will take care of me and provide a husband for me. Thank you God for your faithfulness and love. You are so great God. Lord, I pray that you will prepare his heart whoever he may be, and God, that you would also prepare my heart. Amen
I used to believe that I didn't want to get married, and that I would be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life. That was back when I wasn't always honest with myself.
God made us to be relational beings. I desire the intimacy that comes with being in a covenant relationship with another human being. I believe that God knows the desires of my heart and He wants the best for me. I believe He wants to reveal His glory in successful, sustainable, and satisfying marriages.
In this time of my life, I think God is showing me that I need to get my satisfaction from Him. There is no man on this planet that can fulfill me---that can give me everything I need--and vice versa---I can never completely satisfy a man. It has to be God. God has to be what we are full of. God has to be the one in whom I trust. If I trust God, I can be prepared to expect the unexpected. When things go wrong in a relationship and people don't always do what you want them to, it's easy to put your trust in your expectation of them instead of putting your trust in God. Putting your trust in your expectations of what you think they should do is a set-up for getting hurt. People will not always meet your expectations, and how we respond to that is key. Are we disappointed, frustrated, mad, ect? Or do we trust that God has a plan and even if others aren't doing what we think they should be--we know that God love us and will take care of us even when know one else will.
I learned this last year when I got attached to this guy I really liked. I expected this guy to act a certain way, and when he didn't, I got hurt---because I trusted in my expectations of him instead of God.
Why I am bring this up today? I'm not really sure. I just am trusting God that He has a plan for my life and that he will provide a compatible life companion for me. No longer do I want to strive or worry about finding "the one"--but I want to trust that God will take care of me and provide a husband for me. Thank you God for your faithfulness and love. You are so great God. Lord, I pray that you will prepare his heart whoever he may be, and God, that you would also prepare my heart. Amen
Ephraim
"For I know that thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Wow, God is faithful.
After the "Love Lounge" open mic night at Grilla Bites the other night, my dad and I were both inspired immensely. The next day we decided we should have people over because we craved the creative culture. My dad had talked to one of the outstanding performers (we'll call him Mr. P) and later he invited Mr. P over for the party. To our joy, Mr. P showed up and brought one of his friends, Miss C! Miss C is the founder of the "Love Lounge" and it was such a blessing and honor to have them both in our home. The get-together shortly turned in to a Spirit lead gathering when a few of the guests revealed their incredible God given gifts. Prayer and prophesy followed, and it was a glorious night--literally.
The next morning some of my good friends from Sacramento came down and took me fly fishing! It was fun learning to fly fish, but it was an interesting dynamic. You see, the guy that took me used to like me---a lot. How do I know? Well he's told me. Several times. And he tells me he kicks himself for not pursuing me more. He's honestly a really neat---tons of fun---wild---full of adventure and risk--respectful--mountain man. I had a feeling he liked me last year, but he never admitted to it until semi-recently. I've seen potential in this guy, but I've also seen quite a few red flags which is why I hesitate in my interactions with him.
Fly fishing was fun---but I felt slightly awkward that he spent so much time and effort in order for me to be able to fish. It was very considerate, and knowing him, it's not something he does for everyone. Overall though, it was honestly quite refreshing to hang out with an old friend that I have history with, but at the same time brought up some feelings of nastalgia.
I've struggled a bit to feel connected here in Redding. Slightly ironic because my whole family is here in Redding, yet somehow I still often feel alone. I think college was a distraction for me. I feel as if it's a societal tactic to keep college students stressed and busy so they don't have time to think about their pains. Being home I've had time to think about pains and feel sorrow--but I rejoice in it because I know it's healing. "Sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad counteance the heart is made better" -Ecclesiastes 7:3. Ignoring or denying what your feeling is not dealing with the issue. When you face it, you realize God has given us the grace to overcome the hurts in our lives and the hurts don't hinder us because he washes us white as snow. I had tons of friends in college, but none of them really knew me--deeply--except one at Westmont---but none at Sac. A few tried to get to know me, like this guy that took me fly fishing, but I tried not to let him too much because I was unsure of his intentions. I had a fear of man. A fear to be myself and be open. A fear to be vulnerable. I was hurt and afriad.
I think the Lord is softening my heart. The only reason I've felt lack of love is because I haven't given love---I haven't been able to make myself vulnerable. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to be stupid and wear my heart of my sleeve, but I don't want to be afraid to love just because I'm afraid to get hurt. There is beauty in the pain. I'm learning that in my family---the reason I feel pain from family and family members' choices is because I love them---and that makes it totally worth every ounce of pain I may feel. The beautiful thing is I see hope and freedom for my family. We're on a journey, and we're not quite there yet, but we have definitely made some serious progress. I'm amazed at how well I get along with my mom and dad now. I enjoy being around them more than I think I ever have before. Their breakthough in their marriage has created the foundations for healing and restoration in our relationships. Their roof is going to be my floor and I will never again have to battle what they've conquered in their marriage---yay God!
Now, what I currently feel I need to improve on is my self-discipline. There are many things I desire to do, but I haven't had the discipline to actually follow through in the past. I made myself run today, and it felt soo great once I was out there. There is something about disciplining yourself to do what you know you want most even if you don't feel like doing it in a moment.
So this morning I made myself read the bible even though I didn't feel like it. I read in Jeremiah about the Tribe of Ephraim of Isreal and God' faithfulness to his people despite their unfaithfulness. What a great God we serve.
So a testimony of his faithfulness in my life---
After I read about his faithfulness. I checked my facebook to find a message from a family friend offering me a 5 day babysitting opportunity---offering $100/day! Wow, I didn't need to stress about finding a job or getting funds---God provides the finances for me! Awesome! He is faithful even when I doubt Him. Thank you God for your goodness and another incredible day! God give me strength and self-discipline! Thank you for your promises---You are soo good God!
Wow, God is faithful.
After the "Love Lounge" open mic night at Grilla Bites the other night, my dad and I were both inspired immensely. The next day we decided we should have people over because we craved the creative culture. My dad had talked to one of the outstanding performers (we'll call him Mr. P) and later he invited Mr. P over for the party. To our joy, Mr. P showed up and brought one of his friends, Miss C! Miss C is the founder of the "Love Lounge" and it was such a blessing and honor to have them both in our home. The get-together shortly turned in to a Spirit lead gathering when a few of the guests revealed their incredible God given gifts. Prayer and prophesy followed, and it was a glorious night--literally.
The next morning some of my good friends from Sacramento came down and took me fly fishing! It was fun learning to fly fish, but it was an interesting dynamic. You see, the guy that took me used to like me---a lot. How do I know? Well he's told me. Several times. And he tells me he kicks himself for not pursuing me more. He's honestly a really neat---tons of fun---wild---full of adventure and risk--respectful--mountain man. I had a feeling he liked me last year, but he never admitted to it until semi-recently. I've seen potential in this guy, but I've also seen quite a few red flags which is why I hesitate in my interactions with him.
Fly fishing was fun---but I felt slightly awkward that he spent so much time and effort in order for me to be able to fish. It was very considerate, and knowing him, it's not something he does for everyone. Overall though, it was honestly quite refreshing to hang out with an old friend that I have history with, but at the same time brought up some feelings of nastalgia.
I've struggled a bit to feel connected here in Redding. Slightly ironic because my whole family is here in Redding, yet somehow I still often feel alone. I think college was a distraction for me. I feel as if it's a societal tactic to keep college students stressed and busy so they don't have time to think about their pains. Being home I've had time to think about pains and feel sorrow--but I rejoice in it because I know it's healing. "Sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad counteance the heart is made better" -Ecclesiastes 7:3. Ignoring or denying what your feeling is not dealing with the issue. When you face it, you realize God has given us the grace to overcome the hurts in our lives and the hurts don't hinder us because he washes us white as snow. I had tons of friends in college, but none of them really knew me--deeply--except one at Westmont---but none at Sac. A few tried to get to know me, like this guy that took me fly fishing, but I tried not to let him too much because I was unsure of his intentions. I had a fear of man. A fear to be myself and be open. A fear to be vulnerable. I was hurt and afriad.
I think the Lord is softening my heart. The only reason I've felt lack of love is because I haven't given love---I haven't been able to make myself vulnerable. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to be stupid and wear my heart of my sleeve, but I don't want to be afraid to love just because I'm afraid to get hurt. There is beauty in the pain. I'm learning that in my family---the reason I feel pain from family and family members' choices is because I love them---and that makes it totally worth every ounce of pain I may feel. The beautiful thing is I see hope and freedom for my family. We're on a journey, and we're not quite there yet, but we have definitely made some serious progress. I'm amazed at how well I get along with my mom and dad now. I enjoy being around them more than I think I ever have before. Their breakthough in their marriage has created the foundations for healing and restoration in our relationships. Their roof is going to be my floor and I will never again have to battle what they've conquered in their marriage---yay God!
Now, what I currently feel I need to improve on is my self-discipline. There are many things I desire to do, but I haven't had the discipline to actually follow through in the past. I made myself run today, and it felt soo great once I was out there. There is something about disciplining yourself to do what you know you want most even if you don't feel like doing it in a moment.
So this morning I made myself read the bible even though I didn't feel like it. I read in Jeremiah about the Tribe of Ephraim of Isreal and God' faithfulness to his people despite their unfaithfulness. What a great God we serve.
So a testimony of his faithfulness in my life---
After I read about his faithfulness. I checked my facebook to find a message from a family friend offering me a 5 day babysitting opportunity---offering $100/day! Wow, I didn't need to stress about finding a job or getting funds---God provides the finances for me! Awesome! He is faithful even when I doubt Him. Thank you God for your goodness and another incredible day! God give me strength and self-discipline! Thank you for your promises---You are soo good God!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Ruined
Ruined. Today I felt I was ruined. God where are you? My heart cried.
It's intriguing how we are most vulnerable after we receive breakthrough in our lives.
Waking up this morning was more difficult than it should be to awaken to a beautiful day. I was dragging. God what's wrong with me?
I dreamed of food that I couldn't eat. I was trying to enjoy my meal with one of my friends but they kept moving around. "what the matter?" she asked me.
"I'm just really hungry and I want to eat my food." I replied. Then the alarm clock rang---beep beep beep. Snooze. (five minutes later)--beep beep beep. Snooze. (again)--- beep beep beep.
ugh. I need to wake up.
Another 10 hour night of sleep. Is that normal? My mind flooded with things I wanted to do today and I couldn't decided where to start. God give me grace.
As I was getting dressed my phone rang---"Hey Mom!" I answered.
"Sweetie, did you get your passport yet?" She asked.
"Oh, shoot, no, I need to do that still" I said with forlorn.
"You need to do that today or else you won't get it back in time for our trip"
"okay" I replied.
Change of plans.
Frustration.
God change my attitude. God I need to hear your voice.
Silence--something never heard--
A challenging day. After the trailer hitch fell on my foot as I was helping my dad cover the boat, I had a feeling that not everything was going to go my way today. "OUCH!!" I yelped trying to hold back tears that broke through my inhibitions. That was the beginning of the tearful day.
I cried a few more times in frustration as I drove around in circles trying to navigate my way downtown and get everything together for my passport. What is the matter with me?
At home, I decided some quiet time would be good. God, what is going on? Please guide me, I need you.
My dad comes home---"Hey, what are you doing?"
"I think I need to go for a run, want to join me?"
"Hmm....I want to do something, but I like the gym"
"Why don't I meet you there---i'll run, you drive?"
"Alright, and then want to go out to dinner with me after?"
YES! My day is getting better! "I'd love to!"
Exercising always helps me feel better. Spending time at the gym with my dad was nice. It's funny with my dad--we both want to hang out with each other, but we don't really know how. It's a little awkward sometimes because we're both so different, but I something inside me loves being around him, especially recently.
We went to Grilla Bites for dinner---what a good choice--it's open mic night! After indulging ourselves in a delicious meal we take delight in the series of performers---some astounding, others amusing. It was an obvious Bethel crowd, and the energy was inviting. I was planning on going to the Lighthouse after dinner, but being so captivated with the show, I stayed there with my dad until 10pm. I was inspired from the show and the whole car ride home I was singing at the top of my lungs. Arriving home to an empty house (my dad went to visit curtis) I continued the singing and played around on the piano and guitar for a good half hour. I felt encouraged. Maybe one day I could present something at an open mic night---if I practice--a lot. Thanks God for the fun evening I got to spend with my dad!
A hard day with a happy ending---Thanks God!
It's intriguing how we are most vulnerable after we receive breakthrough in our lives.
Waking up this morning was more difficult than it should be to awaken to a beautiful day. I was dragging. God what's wrong with me?
I dreamed of food that I couldn't eat. I was trying to enjoy my meal with one of my friends but they kept moving around. "what the matter?" she asked me.
"I'm just really hungry and I want to eat my food." I replied. Then the alarm clock rang---beep beep beep. Snooze. (five minutes later)--beep beep beep. Snooze. (again)--- beep beep beep.
ugh. I need to wake up.
Another 10 hour night of sleep. Is that normal? My mind flooded with things I wanted to do today and I couldn't decided where to start. God give me grace.
As I was getting dressed my phone rang---"Hey Mom!" I answered.
"Sweetie, did you get your passport yet?" She asked.
"Oh, shoot, no, I need to do that still" I said with forlorn.
"You need to do that today or else you won't get it back in time for our trip"
"okay" I replied.
Change of plans.
Frustration.
God change my attitude. God I need to hear your voice.
Silence--something never heard--
A challenging day. After the trailer hitch fell on my foot as I was helping my dad cover the boat, I had a feeling that not everything was going to go my way today. "OUCH!!" I yelped trying to hold back tears that broke through my inhibitions. That was the beginning of the tearful day.
I cried a few more times in frustration as I drove around in circles trying to navigate my way downtown and get everything together for my passport. What is the matter with me?
At home, I decided some quiet time would be good. God, what is going on? Please guide me, I need you.
My dad comes home---"Hey, what are you doing?"
"I think I need to go for a run, want to join me?"
"Hmm....I want to do something, but I like the gym"
"Why don't I meet you there---i'll run, you drive?"
"Alright, and then want to go out to dinner with me after?"
YES! My day is getting better! "I'd love to!"
Exercising always helps me feel better. Spending time at the gym with my dad was nice. It's funny with my dad--we both want to hang out with each other, but we don't really know how. It's a little awkward sometimes because we're both so different, but I something inside me loves being around him, especially recently.
We went to Grilla Bites for dinner---what a good choice--it's open mic night! After indulging ourselves in a delicious meal we take delight in the series of performers---some astounding, others amusing. It was an obvious Bethel crowd, and the energy was inviting. I was planning on going to the Lighthouse after dinner, but being so captivated with the show, I stayed there with my dad until 10pm. I was inspired from the show and the whole car ride home I was singing at the top of my lungs. Arriving home to an empty house (my dad went to visit curtis) I continued the singing and played around on the piano and guitar for a good half hour. I felt encouraged. Maybe one day I could present something at an open mic night---if I practice--a lot. Thanks God for the fun evening I got to spend with my dad!
A hard day with a happy ending---Thanks God!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Looking inside
I just had a conversation with one of my guy friends from high school. I can't help but feel terribly sad for this guy who is honestly one of the most positive, fun, and amazing guys I know---but he is struggling right now because he desperately wants someone to love him for who he is, but he doesn't love himself---which breaks my heart.
He has this way of lying to himself that he can do everything, even though he knows he can't, but he thinks if he tells himself he can, he can do better than if he didn't believe he could. Okay, so I understand the speaking things into existence part of his philosophy, but he has no grace for himself when he falls short of his expectations.
He has this desire to do better---he always believes he can do better---so basically everything he does isn't good enough. He has a good heart--he wants to make a difference in the world--but he beats himself up for every short coming.
I feel like he, along with many people I know (including myself sometimes!), are too focused on the external. He wants to make everything on the outside look like it's perfect when he's torn on the inside. I feel once we fix our internals, then slowly but surely we will bear fruit on our external lives. If we focus on making the outside look good---we will get frustrated at every little mishap and try to fix the issue which is simply a symptom of a larger heart issue. Yeah, we can treat the symptoms and try to stop doing this thing we dislike doing---but we will never cure the disease unless we treat our heart.
It's just hard to see such an amazing guy going through so much pain because he simply won't stop and look inside himself and address the root of the issue. I also think it's difficult because he is in another country and I hope God will reveal Himself to this guy.
Lord, please help my friend. God, show him how much you love him just the way he is. Father protect him while he is away from his home, family and friends. In Your Mighty Name I pray--Amen
He has this way of lying to himself that he can do everything, even though he knows he can't, but he thinks if he tells himself he can, he can do better than if he didn't believe he could. Okay, so I understand the speaking things into existence part of his philosophy, but he has no grace for himself when he falls short of his expectations.
He has this desire to do better---he always believes he can do better---so basically everything he does isn't good enough. He has a good heart--he wants to make a difference in the world--but he beats himself up for every short coming.
I feel like he, along with many people I know (including myself sometimes!), are too focused on the external. He wants to make everything on the outside look like it's perfect when he's torn on the inside. I feel once we fix our internals, then slowly but surely we will bear fruit on our external lives. If we focus on making the outside look good---we will get frustrated at every little mishap and try to fix the issue which is simply a symptom of a larger heart issue. Yeah, we can treat the symptoms and try to stop doing this thing we dislike doing---but we will never cure the disease unless we treat our heart.
It's just hard to see such an amazing guy going through so much pain because he simply won't stop and look inside himself and address the root of the issue. I also think it's difficult because he is in another country and I hope God will reveal Himself to this guy.
Lord, please help my friend. God, show him how much you love him just the way he is. Father protect him while he is away from his home, family and friends. In Your Mighty Name I pray--Amen
Connection
Sometimes you forget how difficult it is to simply spend time with your own family. Not that they are difficult to be around, but it's impressive how you can live so close to them and only see them in passing. Everyone has their separate agenda and their own lives that keep them occupied. How can I show them I love them if I hardly hang out with them?
The other day I was reading this "deparate marriage" book that was lying around our house. Sounds strange for a single woman to be reading, but I like to be knowledgable about relational issues and I thought it might have some helpful tips. The author mentioned that many people complain that their need for love is not being met--and the author points out that these people are looking to recieve love instead of give it. When I read that, I realized that sometimes I deal with that in my own life. I am disappointed when I don't recieve love from my family---but how am I giving it?
I think I need to change my focus. It's not about me getting the love and wholeness I need from my family, rather, it's me getting the love I need from God, and seeking out ways to give love to my family. I know one of my love languages is quality time, so I've been seeking after quality time to feel loved from my family instead of seeking out their love languages. God has really put it on my heart to improve on ways to express love each of my family members individually.
Since I've been home, I've already seen improvements in my relationships with my family. I believe that before this semester is over, my family is going to be closer that we've ever been before. We are going to know how to love eachother well, relate, and communicate effectively. I'm excited for what God is doing in my family life. So fun!
The other day I was reading this "deparate marriage" book that was lying around our house. Sounds strange for a single woman to be reading, but I like to be knowledgable about relational issues and I thought it might have some helpful tips. The author mentioned that many people complain that their need for love is not being met--and the author points out that these people are looking to recieve love instead of give it. When I read that, I realized that sometimes I deal with that in my own life. I am disappointed when I don't recieve love from my family---but how am I giving it?
I think I need to change my focus. It's not about me getting the love and wholeness I need from my family, rather, it's me getting the love I need from God, and seeking out ways to give love to my family. I know one of my love languages is quality time, so I've been seeking after quality time to feel loved from my family instead of seeking out their love languages. God has really put it on my heart to improve on ways to express love each of my family members individually.
Since I've been home, I've already seen improvements in my relationships with my family. I believe that before this semester is over, my family is going to be closer that we've ever been before. We are going to know how to love eachother well, relate, and communicate effectively. I'm excited for what God is doing in my family life. So fun!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Apple Tree
In our front yard, we have a beautiful apple tree. Last year, my dad decided in order to make room for his new RV, he would chop down almost half of the tree so he could squeeze his rig behind it.
In previous years, this apple tree produced mediocre apples. They were small and slightly bitter so you wouldn't want to eat them plain-- but my mom made some pretty stellar apple pies with them, so we enjoyed having the tree.
After my dad "pruned" this apple tree, my mom was nervous that the tree would no longer produce fruit because it looked as if nothing was left of the tree. To all of our surprise, the tree produced apples more abundantly then ever before, and they were the most juicy, and delicious apples I have ever had straight from an apple tree!
Today, I decided to go for a walk, and on my way to the trail I saw a rose bush and thought--wow, this rose bush needs to be pruned--
Why?
So it will bloom, I answered.
How will pruning help that?
Well it can focus all it's energy and nutrients on only a few branches so they can bloom instead of trying to spread it's limited resources on a huge bush...
Then it hit me. BAM. That is what God is doing in my life. He's pruning me.
For those of you who don't know, I'll give a little background. I was a college student at Westmont for a year, and then Sacramento State University for a year. In both places I did well in school and I looked great on a piece of paper, but something was missing on the inside. I was empty. I was depressed. Although I had a number of friends, I felt alone.
What's wrong with me?! I would often ask myself. None of it made sense. I was president of the Snowboard Team, I had a 3.6 GPA, I had a great job at the fitness center, I had plenty of friends, I had a supportive family, I had all of my college expenses taken care of---Why am I not happy? I didn't have an answer at the time, but I knew something needed to change in my life.
I felt as if God called me to move home with my family. I called up my dad the Friday before classes started and told him I wanted to withdrawal, and he said, "okay, if that's what you think is best." Wow, what a great dad to believe in me.
So I gave it all up-- the title as snowboard president, the job, the friends, the scholarship--and moved home. Now what? I asked God.
Trust me
A few weeks passed and I became restless-- I started to doubt God's plan. I need to do something!
Trust me
I began to try to promote myself. I got involved with a church and quickly became apart of the core leadership. I found myself starting to become attracted to this guy there.
One night I had a conversation with this guy, and he was asking me some tough questions. I didn't know how to respond. I kept self-promoting. I arrogantly told him "oh yeah, I go to 2nd year school of ministry, but a lot of it is repeat for me, I already know all this stuff because I grew up around it.."
"oh" he replied, "so how has it been applying the principles to your life?"
Dumbfounded, I realized I hadn't been. I mumbled some reply like, "oh yea, its been great.." blah blah blah---but it hit me pretty hard. Dang, for being so "spiritually mature" I was pretty immature.
That night, being so intrigued by this guy who challenged me, I looked him up on facebook. I wanted to know more about him. God, why I am I thinking about him so much? I could feel that the attraction was only one way, and I was flustrated. Normally when I flirt with a guy they flirt back---not this guy---nope---nothing.
As creepy and stalker status as this sounds, I saw a link to his myspace page, so without thinking twice I clicked on it. Blog, I thought. I know I used the myspace blog, maybe I could learn more about him by reading his blog---I didn't think about how creepy it was until after the fact--I was just so curious.
His blog was in depth. WOW, I thought. That explains a lot. I was humbled. He so vividly wrote about his testimony and spiritual journey. He was incredibly open about his faith and was confident in who he was. The last four years he has devoted himself to a lifestyle of trusting in God. I read some of my old blogs---yuck---I was mess. No wonder this guy was not attracted to me--I am farther behind in my spiritual journey.
I felt myself desire to be more spiritually mature. I could tell that God used my attraction to this guy to speak to me. Looking back I saw that the last couple of years I had spent trying to promote myself. Self-promotion stems from a lack of trust in God I recalled from a sermon. I have heard a large number of sermons and have quite a bank of kingdom principles--But I do trust in you, God, I thought.
Do you? He asked. Then why do you try and control your life?
I thought for a second. Wow, He was right, I didn't really trust in Him. I had not submitted myself to Him fully.
Ok God, I submit myself to you, show me how to trust you like I've never trusted you before
So He is pruning me. Although right now I may not look attractive to the world to be "successful," God is helping me get my priorities straight. He wants me to pour my energy and resources into that which is most important for me right now, so I can produce the most juicy and delicious fruit. He has cut things out of my life like school, work, friends, responsibilities, ect---so I can seek after His heart and His plans.
"Seek thee first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you..."
That is the promise He has given me. Today I already saw breakthrough. After He revealed that He was pruning me and I agreed to trust Him, I had the best run I've had in a long time! I was able to run 4 miles and even pick up my pace the last half mile home. It was incredible! I have been struggling to be able to do basically ANYTHING, and today I felt I did so much and with such grace.
I even went to church tonight, and a guy named Alex from Scottland came up to me and gave me a prophetic word. I have never seen nor talked to this man before and he said to me, "It might seem strange, but God wanted me to tell you that even though you think you need to get a job, He has a different plan for you and wants you to trust Him."
Wow, I thought. That totally was for me! I receive that!
I'm so excited for this journey God is taking me on. It is exciting to see Him working in my life in the most creative ways. I am so happy living a life submitted to Him, He has greater plans for me than anything I could try and achieve on my own. What a great God I serve! Thanks Papa God!
In previous years, this apple tree produced mediocre apples. They were small and slightly bitter so you wouldn't want to eat them plain-- but my mom made some pretty stellar apple pies with them, so we enjoyed having the tree.
After my dad "pruned" this apple tree, my mom was nervous that the tree would no longer produce fruit because it looked as if nothing was left of the tree. To all of our surprise, the tree produced apples more abundantly then ever before, and they were the most juicy, and delicious apples I have ever had straight from an apple tree!
Today, I decided to go for a walk, and on my way to the trail I saw a rose bush and thought--wow, this rose bush needs to be pruned--
Why?
So it will bloom, I answered.
How will pruning help that?
Well it can focus all it's energy and nutrients on only a few branches so they can bloom instead of trying to spread it's limited resources on a huge bush...
Then it hit me. BAM. That is what God is doing in my life. He's pruning me.
For those of you who don't know, I'll give a little background. I was a college student at Westmont for a year, and then Sacramento State University for a year. In both places I did well in school and I looked great on a piece of paper, but something was missing on the inside. I was empty. I was depressed. Although I had a number of friends, I felt alone.
What's wrong with me?! I would often ask myself. None of it made sense. I was president of the Snowboard Team, I had a 3.6 GPA, I had a great job at the fitness center, I had plenty of friends, I had a supportive family, I had all of my college expenses taken care of---Why am I not happy? I didn't have an answer at the time, but I knew something needed to change in my life.
I felt as if God called me to move home with my family. I called up my dad the Friday before classes started and told him I wanted to withdrawal, and he said, "okay, if that's what you think is best." Wow, what a great dad to believe in me.
So I gave it all up-- the title as snowboard president, the job, the friends, the scholarship--and moved home. Now what? I asked God.
Trust me
A few weeks passed and I became restless-- I started to doubt God's plan. I need to do something!
Trust me
I began to try to promote myself. I got involved with a church and quickly became apart of the core leadership. I found myself starting to become attracted to this guy there.
One night I had a conversation with this guy, and he was asking me some tough questions. I didn't know how to respond. I kept self-promoting. I arrogantly told him "oh yeah, I go to 2nd year school of ministry, but a lot of it is repeat for me, I already know all this stuff because I grew up around it.."
"oh" he replied, "so how has it been applying the principles to your life?"
Dumbfounded, I realized I hadn't been. I mumbled some reply like, "oh yea, its been great.." blah blah blah---but it hit me pretty hard. Dang, for being so "spiritually mature" I was pretty immature.
That night, being so intrigued by this guy who challenged me, I looked him up on facebook. I wanted to know more about him. God, why I am I thinking about him so much? I could feel that the attraction was only one way, and I was flustrated. Normally when I flirt with a guy they flirt back---not this guy---nope---nothing.
As creepy and stalker status as this sounds, I saw a link to his myspace page, so without thinking twice I clicked on it. Blog, I thought. I know I used the myspace blog, maybe I could learn more about him by reading his blog---I didn't think about how creepy it was until after the fact--I was just so curious.
His blog was in depth. WOW, I thought. That explains a lot. I was humbled. He so vividly wrote about his testimony and spiritual journey. He was incredibly open about his faith and was confident in who he was. The last four years he has devoted himself to a lifestyle of trusting in God. I read some of my old blogs---yuck---I was mess. No wonder this guy was not attracted to me--I am farther behind in my spiritual journey.
I felt myself desire to be more spiritually mature. I could tell that God used my attraction to this guy to speak to me. Looking back I saw that the last couple of years I had spent trying to promote myself. Self-promotion stems from a lack of trust in God I recalled from a sermon. I have heard a large number of sermons and have quite a bank of kingdom principles--But I do trust in you, God, I thought.
Do you? He asked. Then why do you try and control your life?
I thought for a second. Wow, He was right, I didn't really trust in Him. I had not submitted myself to Him fully.
Ok God, I submit myself to you, show me how to trust you like I've never trusted you before
So He is pruning me. Although right now I may not look attractive to the world to be "successful," God is helping me get my priorities straight. He wants me to pour my energy and resources into that which is most important for me right now, so I can produce the most juicy and delicious fruit. He has cut things out of my life like school, work, friends, responsibilities, ect---so I can seek after His heart and His plans.
"Seek thee first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you..."
That is the promise He has given me. Today I already saw breakthrough. After He revealed that He was pruning me and I agreed to trust Him, I had the best run I've had in a long time! I was able to run 4 miles and even pick up my pace the last half mile home. It was incredible! I have been struggling to be able to do basically ANYTHING, and today I felt I did so much and with such grace.
I even went to church tonight, and a guy named Alex from Scottland came up to me and gave me a prophetic word. I have never seen nor talked to this man before and he said to me, "It might seem strange, but God wanted me to tell you that even though you think you need to get a job, He has a different plan for you and wants you to trust Him."
Wow, I thought. That totally was for me! I receive that!
I'm so excited for this journey God is taking me on. It is exciting to see Him working in my life in the most creative ways. I am so happy living a life submitted to Him, He has greater plans for me than anything I could try and achieve on my own. What a great God I serve! Thanks Papa God!
The Beginnings/Introduction
This is a blog about my spiritual journey and how it relates to the entirety of my life. I personally have been inspired from reading blogs, and although I'm no writer, I decided it's time to be open and honest with my thoughts. Ultimately this blog is for me to better understand my journey, but part of the experience is making it accessible for the public to find, read, and see me transparently---and hopefully in the process I can inspire others by my freedom, honesty, and vulnerability. If your about to read this, be prepared for writing which is raw, real, and blunt. I think everyone has some form of spirituality, whether they acknowledge it or not, and here I will write about mine and the adventures that come forth. Feel free to comment--I'd love to hear your honest opinions. I appreciate both positive and negative feedback so that I can continue to grow and learn.
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