Ephraim

"For I know that thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Wow, God is faithful.

After the "Love Lounge" open mic night at Grilla Bites the other night, my dad and I were both inspired immensely. The next day we decided we should have people over because we craved the creative culture. My dad had talked to one of the outstanding performers (we'll call him Mr. P) and later he invited Mr. P over for the party. To our joy, Mr. P showed up and brought one of his friends, Miss C! Miss C is the founder of the "Love Lounge" and it was such a blessing and honor to have them both in our home. The get-together shortly turned in to a Spirit lead gathering when a few of the guests revealed their incredible God given gifts. Prayer and prophesy followed, and it was a glorious night--literally.

The next morning some of my good friends from Sacramento came down and took me fly fishing! It was fun learning to fly fish, but it was an interesting dynamic. You see, the guy that took me used to like me---a lot. How do I know? Well he's told me. Several times. And he tells me he kicks himself for not pursuing me more. He's honestly a really neat---tons of fun---wild---full of adventure and risk--respectful--mountain man. I had a feeling he liked me last year, but he never admitted to it until semi-recently. I've seen potential in this guy, but I've also seen quite a few red flags which is why I hesitate in my interactions with him.

Fly fishing was fun---but I felt slightly awkward that he spent so much time and effort in order for me to be able to fish. It was very considerate, and knowing him, it's not something he does for everyone. Overall though, it was honestly quite refreshing to hang out with an old friend that I have history with, but at the same time brought up some feelings of nastalgia.

I've struggled a bit to feel connected here in Redding. Slightly ironic because my whole family is here in Redding, yet somehow I still often feel alone. I think college was a distraction for me. I feel as if it's a societal tactic to keep college students stressed and busy so they don't have time to think about their pains. Being home I've had time to think about pains and feel sorrow--but I rejoice in it because I know it's healing. "Sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad counteance the heart is made better" -Ecclesiastes 7:3. Ignoring or denying what your feeling is not dealing with the issue. When you face it, you realize God has given us the grace to overcome the hurts in our lives and the hurts don't hinder us because he washes us white as snow. I had tons of friends in college, but none of them really knew me--deeply--except one at Westmont---but none at Sac. A few tried to get to know me, like this guy that took me fly fishing, but I tried not to let him too much because I was unsure of his intentions. I had a fear of man. A fear to be myself and be open. A fear to be vulnerable. I was hurt and afriad.

I think the Lord is softening my heart. The only reason I've felt lack of love is because I haven't given love---I haven't been able to make myself vulnerable. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to be stupid and wear my heart of my sleeve, but I don't want to be afraid to love just because I'm afraid to get hurt. There is beauty in the pain. I'm learning that in my family---the reason I feel pain from family and family members' choices is because I love them---and that makes it totally worth every ounce of pain I may feel. The beautiful thing is I see hope and freedom for my family. We're on a journey, and we're not quite there yet, but we have definitely made some serious progress. I'm amazed at how well I get along with my mom and dad now. I enjoy being around them more than I think I ever have before. Their breakthough in their marriage has created the foundations for healing and restoration in our relationships. Their roof is going to be my floor and I will never again have to battle what they've conquered in their marriage---yay God!

Now, what I currently feel I need to improve on is my self-discipline. There are many things I desire to do, but I haven't had the discipline to actually follow through in the past. I made myself run today, and it felt soo great once I was out there. There is something about disciplining yourself to do what you know you want most even if you don't feel like doing it in a moment.

So this morning I made myself read the bible even though I didn't feel like it. I read in Jeremiah about the Tribe of Ephraim of Isreal and God' faithfulness to his people despite their unfaithfulness. What a great God we serve.

So a testimony of his faithfulness in my life---

After I read about his faithfulness. I checked my facebook to find a message from a family friend offering me a 5 day babysitting opportunity---offering $100/day! Wow, I didn't need to stress about finding a job or getting funds---God provides the finances for me! Awesome! He is faithful even when I doubt Him. Thank you God for your goodness and another incredible day! God give me strength and self-discipline! Thank you for your promises---You are soo good God!