What does it mean to be human?
We are incredible beings with endless possibilities.
The world is changing---and rapidly.
We are apart of something greater than ourselves.
PURPOSE---the greatest motivator
More than money---more than fame.
Globalization---it is the game.
It's not just about us anymore--we are realizing more and more each day that
It's a small world after all.
We have power. We can make a difference in the world.
Yes. US.
TOGETHER.
Sounds cliche---but the time is here.
We live in a world of instant communication.
We are only beginning to understand our potentials.
I feel like today my eyes are being opened up again to the impossible---and making it possible.
For so long I've just been told I'm one in 6.8 billion---but now I realize---I'm ONE in only 6.8 billion
I am essential. I have potential. There is something each of us bring to the world that no one else can.
I've heard this many times before--but I think I'm finally starting to believe it.
I'm regaining an excitement about daily life.
About the moment in time that I'm living.
That WE'RE living in.
We are human---we are family--we are creating--we are shaping---we are making HIStory!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Relationship
Today I had more fun than I've had in a very long time.
Some of my old high school friends were back in town and we ran around doing shenanigans that I haven't done since, well, high school.
I'm trying to remain rational in my spiritual journey---and I can't help but notice something I find quite odd.
Hanging out with my "spiritual" friends has been---bleak---to say the least.
Richer---maybe---but bleak.
I remember feeling this "bleakness" in the past---and it is quite irritating really.
God is fun---God loves laughter and joy.
Why are religious people boring?
The religious spirit sucks life out of people.
Christians were not meant to be isolated from the world.
Christians are no better than any other person in the world---"ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God"
So why do we just to conclusions about certain types of people? Why do we pre-judge and have prejudice against people who do certain things. I'm sick of it--Religiousness needs to die. I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else--but I'm tired of it.
Yes, we need to have people in our lives who share our core values that we can encourage each other---but we should not isolate ourselves from the world. This is our world---we bring the Kingdom here.
Spending hours in prayer and worship is not the only way to please God---I believe He delights in our adventures and endeavors--in our creative mischievousness--in our playful, childlike nature.
I felt like a kid again today---and it was a blast.
My friends thought I was drinking---but I wasn't---I was just full of joy, laughter, childlikeness, and was free of insecurity.
Some of my friends actually were drinking---but it made no difference to me--I mean---some people need that to help them relax and enjoy---"drink wine and be merry" --definitely scripture.
I don't think I need it to enjoy---I don't think everyone needs it to be childlike---but some ppeople, where they're at---do.
There is use and abuse of substances--I totes understand--but it is not our place to judge where people are at--especially if everyone is simply enjoying themselves. Yes, accountability partners/good friends should call each other out when the gray line is being crossed...We all need someone who truly cares about our well-being--someone who has good discernment of course.
I'm just trying to understand this religion thing---like I said--I've been on both ends of the spectrum--and I definitely prefer staying under the covering---but I'm not convinced church go-er have it right---through my personal relationship I think I'm realizing many of my "judgments" have been religious based not spirit based. Coming from tradition rather than relationship.
God knows where I am at, and He does not require me to isolate myself---but rather bring His life and light--not through judgment--but Love. God will correct when the relationship is established---but the relationship must first be established---people don't listen to people they don't respect---it's only once they've established respecting relationships that people will heed correction.
Some of my old high school friends were back in town and we ran around doing shenanigans that I haven't done since, well, high school.
I'm trying to remain rational in my spiritual journey---and I can't help but notice something I find quite odd.
Hanging out with my "spiritual" friends has been---bleak---to say the least.
Richer---maybe---but bleak.
I remember feeling this "bleakness" in the past---and it is quite irritating really.
God is fun---God loves laughter and joy.
Why are religious people boring?
The religious spirit sucks life out of people.
Christians were not meant to be isolated from the world.
Christians are no better than any other person in the world---"ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God"
So why do we just to conclusions about certain types of people? Why do we pre-judge and have prejudice against people who do certain things. I'm sick of it--Religiousness needs to die. I'm just as guilty of it as anyone else--but I'm tired of it.
Yes, we need to have people in our lives who share our core values that we can encourage each other---but we should not isolate ourselves from the world. This is our world---we bring the Kingdom here.
Spending hours in prayer and worship is not the only way to please God---I believe He delights in our adventures and endeavors--in our creative mischievousness--in our playful, childlike nature.
I felt like a kid again today---and it was a blast.
My friends thought I was drinking---but I wasn't---I was just full of joy, laughter, childlikeness, and was free of insecurity.
Some of my friends actually were drinking---but it made no difference to me--I mean---some people need that to help them relax and enjoy---"drink wine and be merry" --definitely scripture.
I don't think I need it to enjoy---I don't think everyone needs it to be childlike---but some ppeople, where they're at---do.
There is use and abuse of substances--I totes understand--but it is not our place to judge where people are at--especially if everyone is simply enjoying themselves. Yes, accountability partners/good friends should call each other out when the gray line is being crossed...We all need someone who truly cares about our well-being--someone who has good discernment of course.
I'm just trying to understand this religion thing---like I said--I've been on both ends of the spectrum--and I definitely prefer staying under the covering---but I'm not convinced church go-er have it right---through my personal relationship I think I'm realizing many of my "judgments" have been religious based not spirit based. Coming from tradition rather than relationship.
God knows where I am at, and He does not require me to isolate myself---but rather bring His life and light--not through judgment--but Love. God will correct when the relationship is established---but the relationship must first be established---people don't listen to people they don't respect---it's only once they've established respecting relationships that people will heed correction.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Inspiration
This guy is inspiring---I encourage all to read his two blog entries starting with the introduction:
http://www.the-promise-blog.blogspot.com/
http://www.the-promise-blog.blogspot.com/
reunion
Tonight was beautiful---God is great.
I went to Weaverville this evening to attend the Reunion at Mountain Chapel Church.
I wasn't sure what to expect or who was going to be there, but I was excited about this opportunity to revisit the place where I was raised.
Most the old pastors were there and many memories were shared through photographs, videos, and stories of time past. It was a beautiful event.
It was definitely a trip seeing so many familiar faces of people who have imparted so much into my life and catching up with them.
All was casual and light, until my encounter with mister Buck Steele and his wife Annie. Talking with Buck, he shared some amazing stories of his wife and his adventures in Africa. This is a man who has dedicated his life to servitude and ministry---working harder than most anyone I know---and I have immense respect for him and his family.
After talking for a short while, he told me an image that came to his head when talking to me and shared it--which I think it was totally prophetic.
It was of an eagle who was circling this stone that it felt a gravitational pull towards, and it was unable to soar high and freely because it was confined to being near this particular stone.
He continued by saying that he think God has given me the grace to break free from the norm/pull of the world to live a certain way---and that God is giving me the grace to break free and soar like I was created to.
That word was exactly what I needed to hear---the encouragement I sought after. That I am a breaking free from the norm---from the ways of the world---and I am going to be able to fly freely. I feel as if I've already begun that journey---and that was confirmation of the fulfillment ahead!
He prayed for me that I would have a childlike relationship with the Lord (which is spot on because when I was young I had such an incredible relationship with God because there weren't any feelings of unworthiness and so forth) and encouraged me to be sensitive to the Spirit because the world will try and tell me all sorts of things that lead toward death. I want to live life abundantly---and I am on that journey! God is so Great, and so faithful! The ways He has been speaking to me are incredible, and I am incredibly blessed!
Thanks Papa God for taking such great care of me!
I went to Weaverville this evening to attend the Reunion at Mountain Chapel Church.
I wasn't sure what to expect or who was going to be there, but I was excited about this opportunity to revisit the place where I was raised.
Most the old pastors were there and many memories were shared through photographs, videos, and stories of time past. It was a beautiful event.
It was definitely a trip seeing so many familiar faces of people who have imparted so much into my life and catching up with them.
All was casual and light, until my encounter with mister Buck Steele and his wife Annie. Talking with Buck, he shared some amazing stories of his wife and his adventures in Africa. This is a man who has dedicated his life to servitude and ministry---working harder than most anyone I know---and I have immense respect for him and his family.
After talking for a short while, he told me an image that came to his head when talking to me and shared it--which I think it was totally prophetic.
It was of an eagle who was circling this stone that it felt a gravitational pull towards, and it was unable to soar high and freely because it was confined to being near this particular stone.
He continued by saying that he think God has given me the grace to break free from the norm/pull of the world to live a certain way---and that God is giving me the grace to break free and soar like I was created to.
That word was exactly what I needed to hear---the encouragement I sought after. That I am a breaking free from the norm---from the ways of the world---and I am going to be able to fly freely. I feel as if I've already begun that journey---and that was confirmation of the fulfillment ahead!
He prayed for me that I would have a childlike relationship with the Lord (which is spot on because when I was young I had such an incredible relationship with God because there weren't any feelings of unworthiness and so forth) and encouraged me to be sensitive to the Spirit because the world will try and tell me all sorts of things that lead toward death. I want to live life abundantly---and I am on that journey! God is so Great, and so faithful! The ways He has been speaking to me are incredible, and I am incredibly blessed!
Thanks Papa God for taking such great care of me!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Truth
It is so important to have friends with different beliefs than you.
I feel as if being around people with different beliefs strengthens you as long as you have a solid foundation.
Today one of my friends gave me the scoop on what "outsiders" think about the church I attend. I watched this video and I couldn't help but laugh almost the entire time. I could've easily been offended considering it completely bashed the head pastor whom I have immense respect for, along with the entire movement that is taking place, calling it all a "cult." It truly is funny how it looks on the "outside" but having been on the inside, I understand that it's not exactly how it appears.
I feel like we are often so easily influenced or come to snap judements about topics which we really know nothing about. The church is just as guilty if not more than anyone else. We all do it.
Having been both inside the church and outside of the church in different periods of time in my life I have to say a few things about this topic.
I completely understand the spectators view of "what is this maddness?!"
People "manifesting" (what is that exactly?!) and running around screaming in these video clips---umm--strange!
Even I have been around people that violent shake or fall and sometimes wonder---okay was that for real?
It's odd sometimes--yes-- what people do/say/ect. can often be out of the box at this church--but when you understand the culture that is established there, you can understand better where it is coming from.
The church allows people to be free to be the person that God made them to be. It does it's best to take people out of the confines of "socially acceptable" behaviors, and to explore the essense of being human.
Arts, family, love, joy is all being cultivated in this culture because of the freedom, however
the freedom that is encouraged also leaves plenty of room for messes/mistakes to be made. Young and old people alike may over-exagerate physically in an attempt to express what they're feeling inside, among other things.
Having attended the church and listened, observered, forsaken, and partaken---this is my conclusion.
It's not about the church--and if you focus on the externals too much you'll be turned off to it--it's about God. When you open your heart and listen to His calling on your life you will never have to question if what is going on in the church is right or wrong because He will guide you in the journey. Does the church have flaws---ABSOLUTELY---does the church help/change/impact people--INDEED!
The church simply fascilitates and welcomes God to move---how people respond may look absurd--but it's important to keep your eyes on Him and not on how things may look for a season.
"Trust in the Lord with all Your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path" --The Bible
In my personal experience, I only became re-connected with the church through my personal relationship with God. Don't go to church just to go to church--thats ridiculous--seek God. If God wants you to go to church He'll lead you there. Have people around you to encourage you keep you accountable to what you believe. Take heed and re-evaluate when criticized.
I am completely open to others opinions on this, but please understand that I will listen, take heed, and then re-evaluate. My walk with God has required much evaluation and people who know me know that I have had many seasons in question and doubt---that have resulted to nothing more than strengthening my faith.
I am not trying to convert anyone, I just want to make sure that we both "insiders" and "outsiders" understand one another so that we can relate and communicate instead of bashing each-other and jumping to snap judgements---no me gusta! I have been on both sides of the spectrum and I have no place to judge where ever you may be--let us both learn from one another instead of jumping to snap judgements. I will do my best to understand you, if you will do your best to try and understand me---that is a better approach.
Well I definitely got a good laugh in today, and I'm so thankful for people who have different beliefs than me so that together we can seek out Truth!
I feel as if being around people with different beliefs strengthens you as long as you have a solid foundation.
Today one of my friends gave me the scoop on what "outsiders" think about the church I attend. I watched this video and I couldn't help but laugh almost the entire time. I could've easily been offended considering it completely bashed the head pastor whom I have immense respect for, along with the entire movement that is taking place, calling it all a "cult." It truly is funny how it looks on the "outside" but having been on the inside, I understand that it's not exactly how it appears.
I feel like we are often so easily influenced or come to snap judements about topics which we really know nothing about. The church is just as guilty if not more than anyone else. We all do it.
Having been both inside the church and outside of the church in different periods of time in my life I have to say a few things about this topic.
I completely understand the spectators view of "what is this maddness?!"
People "manifesting" (what is that exactly?!) and running around screaming in these video clips---umm--strange!
Even I have been around people that violent shake or fall and sometimes wonder---okay was that for real?
It's odd sometimes--yes-- what people do/say/ect. can often be out of the box at this church--but when you understand the culture that is established there, you can understand better where it is coming from.
The church allows people to be free to be the person that God made them to be. It does it's best to take people out of the confines of "socially acceptable" behaviors, and to explore the essense of being human.
Arts, family, love, joy is all being cultivated in this culture because of the freedom, however
the freedom that is encouraged also leaves plenty of room for messes/mistakes to be made. Young and old people alike may over-exagerate physically in an attempt to express what they're feeling inside, among other things.
Having attended the church and listened, observered, forsaken, and partaken---this is my conclusion.
It's not about the church--and if you focus on the externals too much you'll be turned off to it--it's about God. When you open your heart and listen to His calling on your life you will never have to question if what is going on in the church is right or wrong because He will guide you in the journey. Does the church have flaws---ABSOLUTELY---does the church help/change/impact people--INDEED!
The church simply fascilitates and welcomes God to move---how people respond may look absurd--but it's important to keep your eyes on Him and not on how things may look for a season.
"Trust in the Lord with all Your heart and do not lean on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path" --The Bible
In my personal experience, I only became re-connected with the church through my personal relationship with God. Don't go to church just to go to church--thats ridiculous--seek God. If God wants you to go to church He'll lead you there. Have people around you to encourage you keep you accountable to what you believe. Take heed and re-evaluate when criticized.
I am completely open to others opinions on this, but please understand that I will listen, take heed, and then re-evaluate. My walk with God has required much evaluation and people who know me know that I have had many seasons in question and doubt---that have resulted to nothing more than strengthening my faith.
I am not trying to convert anyone, I just want to make sure that we both "insiders" and "outsiders" understand one another so that we can relate and communicate instead of bashing each-other and jumping to snap judgements---no me gusta! I have been on both sides of the spectrum and I have no place to judge where ever you may be--let us both learn from one another instead of jumping to snap judgements. I will do my best to understand you, if you will do your best to try and understand me---that is a better approach.
Well I definitely got a good laugh in today, and I'm so thankful for people who have different beliefs than me so that together we can seek out Truth!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Resting In Peace
God is faithful.
A few days ago I found a blog belonging to mister Evan, and after reading the inspiring words, I felt a desire to message him and I felt a surreal peace about it.
Follow your heart and trust Me to take care of you.
Prior to this, messaging him might have aroused anxiety or frustration.
Okay God, only you know how much my heart can handle.
So I messaged him and talked to him about blogging. It went well and next thing I know I told him I would like to catch up. Oh geez, what am I getting myself into. This better not be more heart-ache God, I can't handle any more.
He complied to catching up and we set up a time to meet. He appeared sincere and enthusiastic about it, but I withheld from any expectations.
I wasn't convinced there would be follow through---and even if he did show up--I didn't expect conversation to be anything more than shallow catch up.
To my surprise---Not only did he follow through, but he cleaned up his mess!
Wow, didn't see that one coming. Thanks God!
It was like a dead body that had been rotting was finally buried and put to rest! The stench is gone! Phew!
It was incredible to see how much he's grown in the past year, and it's amazing to see how God is molding him.
I'm not sure whether or not Evan and I will be friends again like we were a summer back, but I'm simply thankful for God's faithfulness. I feel like my heart is continuing to heal. That situation with Evan had left me feeling so unsettled, and now I feel as if I can rest easy.
God is incredible. I'm not sure what lies ahead in my future, but I know that continuing to "seek thee first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness"-- all my other needs will be met. Thank you Father for taking such great care of me!
A few days ago I found a blog belonging to mister Evan, and after reading the inspiring words, I felt a desire to message him and I felt a surreal peace about it.
Follow your heart and trust Me to take care of you.
Prior to this, messaging him might have aroused anxiety or frustration.
Okay God, only you know how much my heart can handle.
So I messaged him and talked to him about blogging. It went well and next thing I know I told him I would like to catch up. Oh geez, what am I getting myself into. This better not be more heart-ache God, I can't handle any more.
He complied to catching up and we set up a time to meet. He appeared sincere and enthusiastic about it, but I withheld from any expectations.
I wasn't convinced there would be follow through---and even if he did show up--I didn't expect conversation to be anything more than shallow catch up.
To my surprise---Not only did he follow through, but he cleaned up his mess!
Wow, didn't see that one coming. Thanks God!
It was like a dead body that had been rotting was finally buried and put to rest! The stench is gone! Phew!
It was incredible to see how much he's grown in the past year, and it's amazing to see how God is molding him.
I'm not sure whether or not Evan and I will be friends again like we were a summer back, but I'm simply thankful for God's faithfulness. I feel like my heart is continuing to heal. That situation with Evan had left me feeling so unsettled, and now I feel as if I can rest easy.
God is incredible. I'm not sure what lies ahead in my future, but I know that continuing to "seek thee first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness"-- all my other needs will be met. Thank you Father for taking such great care of me!
chastening
"Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects; Therefore do not despise the chastening of the Almighty. For He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole. He shall deliver you in six troubles, Yes, in seven no evil shall touch you. In famine He shall redeem you from death, And in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the scourge of the tongue, And you shall not be afraid of destruction when it comes. You shall laugh at destruction and famine, And you shall not be afraid of the beasts of the earth."
Job 6:17-22
Job 6:17-22
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Strengths
It's true I've lacked vision for quite some time now.
God, where am I going in life? What should I do?
I've been learning that what I do is less important than who I am.
When you know who you are, you know what to do. And life flows naturally and freely.
When you don't know who you are, you search for who you are in what you do.
SO, instead of figuring out what I should do, I've been figuring out who I am--- what moves me, what motivates me, what drives me, what makes my heart beat.
I took the strength finders test and I feel it was quite accurate for my current state.
Here were my top five in this order:
1) Positivity
2) Belief
3) Empathy
4) Developer
5) Harmony
The strength finders book gives a description of what these strengths look like, how you can utilize them in your life, what situations/jobs to avoid, what situations/jobs to be in, and what strengths to look for in other people.
I found it all revelatory and fascinating.
I feel like I understand a lot more about myself, and I feel encouraged and capable.
I'm ready to conquer the world! Well, almost.
As I study more about my strengths, I want to study about occupations that I would thrive in. I want to set up a five year plan and start taking the steps to get to my future.
This adventure is truly thrilling. God is providing the people, the finances, the support, and the love that I need to walk in my destiny.
I'm filled with excitement about the future, and joy about life!
Thank you God for taking such great care of me! I am excited to see what the future beholds! =)
God, where am I going in life? What should I do?
I've been learning that what I do is less important than who I am.
When you know who you are, you know what to do. And life flows naturally and freely.
When you don't know who you are, you search for who you are in what you do.
SO, instead of figuring out what I should do, I've been figuring out who I am--- what moves me, what motivates me, what drives me, what makes my heart beat.
I took the strength finders test and I feel it was quite accurate for my current state.
Here were my top five in this order:
1) Positivity
2) Belief
3) Empathy
4) Developer
5) Harmony
The strength finders book gives a description of what these strengths look like, how you can utilize them in your life, what situations/jobs to avoid, what situations/jobs to be in, and what strengths to look for in other people.
I found it all revelatory and fascinating.
I feel like I understand a lot more about myself, and I feel encouraged and capable.
I'm ready to conquer the world! Well, almost.
As I study more about my strengths, I want to study about occupations that I would thrive in. I want to set up a five year plan and start taking the steps to get to my future.
This adventure is truly thrilling. God is providing the people, the finances, the support, and the love that I need to walk in my destiny.
I'm filled with excitement about the future, and joy about life!
Thank you God for taking such great care of me! I am excited to see what the future beholds! =)
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Alive.
Today I've never felt so restless in my life.
I woke up abnormally early for how late I went to sleep.
I started moving and fulfilled my "to-do" list before noon.
I went to school early to volunteer my time like I typically do.
I should have felt overwhelmed by the build up of work from the previous Thanksgiving break, but instead I finished it all in a hour and spent the rest of my 2.5 hours at school ---restless---pacing---anxious.
This is odd.
After school I gave a lady a ride to church and then went straight to my tutoring sessions with two of my students. It went well---and I drove home to grab food quickly before I picked up the three kids I promised to babysit.
I babysat for three hours--played, fed them dinner, took them hot-tubbing, then returned them home to their wonderful parents.
Arriving home at 9:30pm, I still was full of energy.
I'm restless! This is sooo abnormal for me. I never feel anxious for no reason. I had a full day and still I feel like I need more. I need to do more. I want to do more. I am capable of doing so much more.
I have a love-hate relationship with this feeling of restlessness. It's definitely a step up from my feelings of apathy, but I'm not sure what to do next.
It's exciting and irritating to not have plans for my life. It's crazy because God has completely provided for my every need thus far---I have been making more money doing odd jobs than I ever would make if I had a scheduled job. I'm surrounded with wonderful friends and family. Opportunities await me.
I felt like calling everyone I know and asking them what I can do to help out in their area--but then that feeling quickly passed as I realized my schedule is full for the next month.
So I'm seeking out what NEXT. I am so ready for the next adventure---send it my way God! I'm amp-ed!
I woke up abnormally early for how late I went to sleep.
I started moving and fulfilled my "to-do" list before noon.
I went to school early to volunteer my time like I typically do.
I should have felt overwhelmed by the build up of work from the previous Thanksgiving break, but instead I finished it all in a hour and spent the rest of my 2.5 hours at school ---restless---pacing---anxious.
This is odd.
After school I gave a lady a ride to church and then went straight to my tutoring sessions with two of my students. It went well---and I drove home to grab food quickly before I picked up the three kids I promised to babysit.
I babysat for three hours--played, fed them dinner, took them hot-tubbing, then returned them home to their wonderful parents.
Arriving home at 9:30pm, I still was full of energy.
I'm restless! This is sooo abnormal for me. I never feel anxious for no reason. I had a full day and still I feel like I need more. I need to do more. I want to do more. I am capable of doing so much more.
I have a love-hate relationship with this feeling of restlessness. It's definitely a step up from my feelings of apathy, but I'm not sure what to do next.
It's exciting and irritating to not have plans for my life. It's crazy because God has completely provided for my every need thus far---I have been making more money doing odd jobs than I ever would make if I had a scheduled job. I'm surrounded with wonderful friends and family. Opportunities await me.
I felt like calling everyone I know and asking them what I can do to help out in their area--but then that feeling quickly passed as I realized my schedule is full for the next month.
So I'm seeking out what NEXT. I am so ready for the next adventure---send it my way God! I'm amp-ed!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Reflection
It's not too far gone.
All is not lost.
Hope remains.
My dreams last night were filled with feelings of vulnerability and exposure.
When I woke up, I considered deleting my blog altogether, and simply having a journal. I felt distraught about the whole situation and I decided to read some scripture---first thing I turned to was this:
"People shall be brought down, Each man shall be humbled, And the eyes of the lofty shall be humbled. But the Lord of hosts shall be exalted in judgment, And God who is holy shall be hallowed in righteousness. Then the lambs shall feed in their pasture, And in the waste places of the fat ones strangers shall eat."
Isaiah 5: 15-17
Okay, so somewhat of a random verse, but it just reassured me that God's work is at hand.
I feel like I'm ready for the next step.
I feel satisfied about the progress I've seen in my life this semester. I feel like I have a handle on what the Lord has been teaching me and I can't wait to see what lies ahead next semester.
Right now it looks like school isn't in plan for next semester. I feel like I need more vision about what I want to do with my life before I jump back to school.
I'm not sure whether I should stay in Redding or move on. My idea is to maybe stay in Redding, work, and then maybe go to New Zealand through YWAM come June.
I'm just looking for the right opportunity. I want to make every decision out of relationship and covering.
I'm excited for what the future beholds--thanks God for the adventures! =)
All is not lost.
Hope remains.
My dreams last night were filled with feelings of vulnerability and exposure.
When I woke up, I considered deleting my blog altogether, and simply having a journal. I felt distraught about the whole situation and I decided to read some scripture---first thing I turned to was this:
"People shall be brought down, Each man shall be humbled, And the eyes of the lofty shall be humbled. But the Lord of hosts shall be exalted in judgment, And God who is holy shall be hallowed in righteousness. Then the lambs shall feed in their pasture, And in the waste places of the fat ones strangers shall eat."
Isaiah 5: 15-17
Okay, so somewhat of a random verse, but it just reassured me that God's work is at hand.
I feel like I'm ready for the next step.
I feel satisfied about the progress I've seen in my life this semester. I feel like I have a handle on what the Lord has been teaching me and I can't wait to see what lies ahead next semester.
Right now it looks like school isn't in plan for next semester. I feel like I need more vision about what I want to do with my life before I jump back to school.
I'm not sure whether I should stay in Redding or move on. My idea is to maybe stay in Redding, work, and then maybe go to New Zealand through YWAM come June.
I'm just looking for the right opportunity. I want to make every decision out of relationship and covering.
I'm excited for what the future beholds--thanks God for the adventures! =)
Vulnerable
Heart-broken. Humiliated.
How low must I go, God?
First, the one guy that I ever really loved came over to my house for Thanksgiving--I didn't find out he was coming until the day of. Not that it was particularly difficult having him over, it was just a very painful event after he left.
My mind was forced to remember my encounters with this man. This man whom my parents loved and supported. This man whom I once loved and would do almost anything for. Yes, it all came back to me and I realized nothing had changed.
I still love him. Always will. It's my nature, it's the core of who I am. Not in a romantic way, just in a friend-loving way. If he called me right now and needed my help, I would jump in my car and go help him.Once I choose to love, I will always love. However, I have let him go, because that is what he wanted, that is what he chose, and true love requires sacrifice.
To know, that he was everything to me, and I was nothing to him.
I told him everything, I practically gave him my heart on a silver platter, and do you know what his response was? --Silence---
He never responded. Didn't say a word. I moved to Sac. He never contacted me. Never said good-bye. He basically shut me out of his life.
Do I blame him?
Of course not. Knowing his background, I had no reason to believe that he would do anything different.
Did I care?
At the time: no. I loved him and I hoped.
Did it hurt?
Like a thousand knives spilling my guts.
When I think about it now (a year later), I sometimes still cry. I have to force myself to stop thinking that maybe he'll contact me and say he wants to be friends again--- I have to face the facts:
He doesn't love me like I love him.
I still don't know why I chose to love him, it kind of just happened as we developed our friendship and I got to know him more. I just felt a connection with this guy that I've never felt before or after him. I still pray for him often even though I know I will most likely never be someone he chooses to love.
He had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship before I met him, and I know he was in no place to date. I just felt his heart, and the lack of love he was consumed with, and my heart was stirred to love him even in his imperfections.
He has quite a rough past and it would've been easy for me to make the judgment that I shouldn't get involved with him. However, I didn't care about his past, I saw his heart---and it was made of gold.
Considering a future with him, it was the first time that I found myself okay with the fact that he was not a virgin---which previously had been an important factor for me---but even with that knowledge, I loved him just the same.
At the end of Thanksgiving night, Evan gave me a hug and said, "we need to hang out sometime..."
(One of my biggest pet peeves is insincerity)
"Yeah," I said, "whenever is good for me, your the one that's busy."
For background, I had only a few weeks ago asked him if he wanted to catch up, he said "sure" but there was no follow through. I dropped it because I figured he didn't really want to catch up with me. I was the only one making an effort, it was evident he still didn't want to talk to me.
He's civil in person, but there is so much that was not dealt with--- it drives me crazy.
Another of my pet peeves is leaving messes/problems/issues unresolved.
I am a problem solver! That is what I love to do. Issues...I hate them...and I will do anything to work them out as soon as possible. I like closure. I like to make sure everyone is happy. I like to leave things on a positive note. This was not the case.
I have so many unanswered questions. A year later and I still have pain.
I don't even care to have a romantic relationship with him, I just liked his friendship.
It was like losing my best friend and not know why or what you did wrong. He didn't tell me ANYTHING. He closed the door on me and there is nothing I can do about but respect his wishes.
It is what it is.
I went over to my friend Brad's house tonight. Yes, Brad, is not his real name. Nor are any of the names real in my blog for their privacy.
I was humiliated when he mentioned a name that rang familiarity in my ears---it was a fictitious name from my blog!
Turns out, not Brad, but one of my guy friends mentioned previously in this blog, found out about my blog somehow, and read it.
I was humiliated.
Not because I didn't use his real name (apparently he was offended by it), but because of the personal content this blog contains.
I write this blog mostly for myself to understand my thoughts and to be able to reflect on my thoughts in the future. I also told a few close friends and then family that I thought might be interested in my personal life. I didn't anticipate guys that I wrote about to find the blog, so I was completely humiliated as my friend Brad spoke of this private content almost mockingly.
I admit, it is my own fault for making this blog publicly available. Part of me feels exposed, yet, I still feel convicted to write my heart.
I can't go much lower socially. I've already lost any tid-bit of popularity I once acquired. It means nothing. You can be the most well-liked person in the world and still be miserable.
So what if I am mocked or looked down upon for how I think or what I believe?
I am finally being honest with myself. I am finally following my heart.
Yeah, maybe I'll lose a lot of friends, but the ones that stick around will be the ones worth keeping.
The people who will love me for who I am, are the ones that I want in my life.
I have nothing left to hide.
God has stripped me to complete vulnerability, so I can finally give and receive love.
I can truly love my family and friends now, because I know what they're worth. I know how valuable they are.
I will no longer take so much for granted.
It's true, you never know what you've got until it's gone.
So Lord, here I am. As vulnerable as I can possibly be.
I am trusting you, God. I know Your plan for me is greater than anything I can achieve on my own. In that, I take great joy!
How low must I go, God?
First, the one guy that I ever really loved came over to my house for Thanksgiving--I didn't find out he was coming until the day of. Not that it was particularly difficult having him over, it was just a very painful event after he left.
My mind was forced to remember my encounters with this man. This man whom my parents loved and supported. This man whom I once loved and would do almost anything for. Yes, it all came back to me and I realized nothing had changed.
I still love him. Always will. It's my nature, it's the core of who I am. Not in a romantic way, just in a friend-loving way. If he called me right now and needed my help, I would jump in my car and go help him.Once I choose to love, I will always love. However, I have let him go, because that is what he wanted, that is what he chose, and true love requires sacrifice.
To know, that he was everything to me, and I was nothing to him.
I told him everything, I practically gave him my heart on a silver platter, and do you know what his response was? --Silence---
He never responded. Didn't say a word. I moved to Sac. He never contacted me. Never said good-bye. He basically shut me out of his life.
Do I blame him?
Of course not. Knowing his background, I had no reason to believe that he would do anything different.
Did I care?
At the time: no. I loved him and I hoped.
Did it hurt?
Like a thousand knives spilling my guts.
When I think about it now (a year later), I sometimes still cry. I have to force myself to stop thinking that maybe he'll contact me and say he wants to be friends again--- I have to face the facts:
He doesn't love me like I love him.
I still don't know why I chose to love him, it kind of just happened as we developed our friendship and I got to know him more. I just felt a connection with this guy that I've never felt before or after him. I still pray for him often even though I know I will most likely never be someone he chooses to love.
He had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship before I met him, and I know he was in no place to date. I just felt his heart, and the lack of love he was consumed with, and my heart was stirred to love him even in his imperfections.
He has quite a rough past and it would've been easy for me to make the judgment that I shouldn't get involved with him. However, I didn't care about his past, I saw his heart---and it was made of gold.
Considering a future with him, it was the first time that I found myself okay with the fact that he was not a virgin---which previously had been an important factor for me---but even with that knowledge, I loved him just the same.
At the end of Thanksgiving night, Evan gave me a hug and said, "we need to hang out sometime..."
(One of my biggest pet peeves is insincerity)
"Yeah," I said, "whenever is good for me, your the one that's busy."
For background, I had only a few weeks ago asked him if he wanted to catch up, he said "sure" but there was no follow through. I dropped it because I figured he didn't really want to catch up with me. I was the only one making an effort, it was evident he still didn't want to talk to me.
He's civil in person, but there is so much that was not dealt with--- it drives me crazy.
Another of my pet peeves is leaving messes/problems/issues unresolved.
I am a problem solver! That is what I love to do. Issues...I hate them...and I will do anything to work them out as soon as possible. I like closure. I like to make sure everyone is happy. I like to leave things on a positive note. This was not the case.
I have so many unanswered questions. A year later and I still have pain.
I don't even care to have a romantic relationship with him, I just liked his friendship.
It was like losing my best friend and not know why or what you did wrong. He didn't tell me ANYTHING. He closed the door on me and there is nothing I can do about but respect his wishes.
It is what it is.
I went over to my friend Brad's house tonight. Yes, Brad, is not his real name. Nor are any of the names real in my blog for their privacy.
I was humiliated when he mentioned a name that rang familiarity in my ears---it was a fictitious name from my blog!
Turns out, not Brad, but one of my guy friends mentioned previously in this blog, found out about my blog somehow, and read it.
I was humiliated.
Not because I didn't use his real name (apparently he was offended by it), but because of the personal content this blog contains.
I write this blog mostly for myself to understand my thoughts and to be able to reflect on my thoughts in the future. I also told a few close friends and then family that I thought might be interested in my personal life. I didn't anticipate guys that I wrote about to find the blog, so I was completely humiliated as my friend Brad spoke of this private content almost mockingly.
I admit, it is my own fault for making this blog publicly available. Part of me feels exposed, yet, I still feel convicted to write my heart.
I can't go much lower socially. I've already lost any tid-bit of popularity I once acquired. It means nothing. You can be the most well-liked person in the world and still be miserable.
So what if I am mocked or looked down upon for how I think or what I believe?
I am finally being honest with myself. I am finally following my heart.
Yeah, maybe I'll lose a lot of friends, but the ones that stick around will be the ones worth keeping.
The people who will love me for who I am, are the ones that I want in my life.
I have nothing left to hide.
God has stripped me to complete vulnerability, so I can finally give and receive love.
I can truly love my family and friends now, because I know what they're worth. I know how valuable they are.
I will no longer take so much for granted.
It's true, you never know what you've got until it's gone.
So Lord, here I am. As vulnerable as I can possibly be.
I am trusting you, God. I know Your plan for me is greater than anything I can achieve on my own. In that, I take great joy!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
it's comedic really
this life.
it's quite hilarious at times.
when I think about it.
the strife. the fight. the pain. the struggle.
the romance. the boundaries. the thoughts. the decisions.
ssometimes I wonder...
is it really worth it?
if nothing more.
It'll be worth the laugh.
Laugh or cry.
decisions again.
Of how you look at life.
it's quite hilarious at times.
when I think about it.
the strife. the fight. the pain. the struggle.
the romance. the boundaries. the thoughts. the decisions.
ssometimes I wonder...
is it really worth it?
if nothing more.
It'll be worth the laugh.
Laugh or cry.
decisions again.
Of how you look at life.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Of course
Sight, smells, cities.
Bleak.
Beautiful beyond belief.
Mountains, oceans, valleys, creeks.
Anything to stop the leak.
Of blood that runs out my heart.
For what was lost and what's to start.
Consume, resume, occupy, busy.
Spin and spin until your dizzy.
Fill the void, fill the city.
With everything you ought to pity.
Yourself. Never. It's not a party.
Until the fat lady sings.
Yes. Until the fat lady sings.
Begin again.
Find a friend.
Hope, love, bleed.
Breathe.
Bleak.
Beautiful beyond belief.
Mountains, oceans, valleys, creeks.
Anything to stop the leak.
Of blood that runs out my heart.
For what was lost and what's to start.
Consume, resume, occupy, busy.
Spin and spin until your dizzy.
Fill the void, fill the city.
With everything you ought to pity.
Yourself. Never. It's not a party.
Until the fat lady sings.
Yes. Until the fat lady sings.
Begin again.
Find a friend.
Hope, love, bleed.
Breathe.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Move
Where or how---I don't know.
Also I know is that when: the time is now.
Faster, slower, upper, lower.
Around and around we go.
Move.
Breathe.
Intake.
Partake.
Forsake. No one.
Ever. Can.
Will.
Try.
Breathe.
Like your alive.
It's a new beginning.
Without an end.
Fresh start.
All over again.
Pronounce. Renounce.
It's all game. If you don't know. Now.
Flee.
Run. Hide.
Shame.
Forget. The pain.
Fever. Nausea.
No one. To blame.
Admit. Convict. Forgive. Blame.
End without beginning.
Never. Again.
Hope. Lies. Here.
Again.
Believe. Receive. Relieve.
Freedom.
To.
Move.
Also I know is that when: the time is now.
Faster, slower, upper, lower.
Around and around we go.
Move.
Breathe.
Intake.
Partake.
Forsake. No one.
Ever. Can.
Will.
Try.
Breathe.
Like your alive.
It's a new beginning.
Without an end.
Fresh start.
All over again.
Pronounce. Renounce.
It's all game. If you don't know. Now.
Flee.
Run. Hide.
Shame.
Forget. The pain.
Fever. Nausea.
No one. To blame.
Admit. Convict. Forgive. Blame.
End without beginning.
Never. Again.
Hope. Lies. Here.
Again.
Believe. Receive. Relieve.
Freedom.
To.
Move.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Progress
The morning came---and went. I slept through it all.
My dad was waiting for me downstairs--noting the time I awoke--but not saying anything about it---he didn't have to---his eyes expressed the disappointment: Sleeping in again, huh?
It was almost 1pm this time, and he called me into the family room to talk.
Oh boy, here we go again.
I expected a guilt trip and braced myself for the conversation, but was surprised by my dad's communication skills.
"I love you" he said. "I am on your side"
He explained to me that he understands that "I am my own person" and have different strengths than he, and he expressed an effort to understand me better, so he can help me succeed.
Wow, I have a great dad.
Although the conversation was in parts difficult for me to hear, I was impressed with my dad's ability to express his thoughts and feelings. He wants us both to feel good about our living situation, and is looking out for both of our best interests.
At the end of our conversation he gave me some suggestions on how to better achieve my goals. He told me he believes in me and wants the best for me--that is why he feels it's in both of our best interests for me to contribute more (aka pay rent). He doesn't want me to be spoiled. And I am thankful for his ability to communicate it in a loving way. I had no objection. I completely agree---I want to carry my weight. I want to contribute---and I'm just trusting God for the means.
I don't have a job. I don't have a plan.
May sound ridiculous---but I think it's brilliant.
So far I feel quite accomplished. I already feel much closer to my family. My dad and I are beginning to understand one another better and figure out how to relate. Spiritual I feel like I've grown immensely. My emotional pain level has dropped significantly. Altogether I feel healthier and happier physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
I've been giving guitar lessons to kids at the christian school for free and volunteering my time helping out with BSSM2 Travel. I'm learning to manage my time when I don't have external deadlines, and I'm finally building the life that I want to live.
I feel great! I feel like I'm finally getting life right.
Thanks God for being so faithful! I look forward to all that You have in store!
My dad was waiting for me downstairs--noting the time I awoke--but not saying anything about it---he didn't have to---his eyes expressed the disappointment: Sleeping in again, huh?
It was almost 1pm this time, and he called me into the family room to talk.
Oh boy, here we go again.
I expected a guilt trip and braced myself for the conversation, but was surprised by my dad's communication skills.
"I love you" he said. "I am on your side"
He explained to me that he understands that "I am my own person" and have different strengths than he, and he expressed an effort to understand me better, so he can help me succeed.
Wow, I have a great dad.
Although the conversation was in parts difficult for me to hear, I was impressed with my dad's ability to express his thoughts and feelings. He wants us both to feel good about our living situation, and is looking out for both of our best interests.
At the end of our conversation he gave me some suggestions on how to better achieve my goals. He told me he believes in me and wants the best for me--that is why he feels it's in both of our best interests for me to contribute more (aka pay rent). He doesn't want me to be spoiled. And I am thankful for his ability to communicate it in a loving way. I had no objection. I completely agree---I want to carry my weight. I want to contribute---and I'm just trusting God for the means.
I don't have a job. I don't have a plan.
May sound ridiculous---but I think it's brilliant.
So far I feel quite accomplished. I already feel much closer to my family. My dad and I are beginning to understand one another better and figure out how to relate. Spiritual I feel like I've grown immensely. My emotional pain level has dropped significantly. Altogether I feel healthier and happier physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
I've been giving guitar lessons to kids at the christian school for free and volunteering my time helping out with BSSM2 Travel. I'm learning to manage my time when I don't have external deadlines, and I'm finally building the life that I want to live.
I feel great! I feel like I'm finally getting life right.
Thanks God for being so faithful! I look forward to all that You have in store!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Friends
There is something so rewarding about being true to yourself.
Tonight I received an encouraging message from a good guy friend of mine from Westmont. He stumbled upon my blog, and the feedback he gave me made my heart jump for joy! YAY! friends that care!
It's true that my spiritual journey has required pruning pieces of my life that I once enjoyed so thoroughly---like friends---not that God wanted to take away my friends---but I believe He wants to give me meaningful relationships.
This may sound arrogant---but I have always had a lot of friends. I've always been well-liked and somewhat "popular" so-to-speak. I've changed schools many times and I've never had trouble making friends---ever.
However---it came to a point where I had a lot of friends---but I was very alone. No one REALLY knew me. I invested time in multiple shallow relationships---but I wasn't a good friend to any of them---and vice versa.
So in the pruning process---I've had serious feelings of loneliness---however that is slowly beginning to fade with the substantial relationships that are forming in my life.
I'm beginning to establish relationships where I am free to be me! No more performing, impressing, pretending----just honesty and vulnerability.
Loving relationships---not romantic---just loving. Male and female friendship relationships.
You can live without sex (which I hope I don't have to, but that's beside the point)---but you can't live without love.
How can anyone love me if I never show them who I am?
Love requires vulnerability.
I want to live out of love and vulnerability. It feels incredible to have people that love you for who you are.
Tonight I received an encouraging message from a good guy friend of mine from Westmont. He stumbled upon my blog, and the feedback he gave me made my heart jump for joy! YAY! friends that care!
It's true that my spiritual journey has required pruning pieces of my life that I once enjoyed so thoroughly---like friends---not that God wanted to take away my friends---but I believe He wants to give me meaningful relationships.
This may sound arrogant---but I have always had a lot of friends. I've always been well-liked and somewhat "popular" so-to-speak. I've changed schools many times and I've never had trouble making friends---ever.
However---it came to a point where I had a lot of friends---but I was very alone. No one REALLY knew me. I invested time in multiple shallow relationships---but I wasn't a good friend to any of them---and vice versa.
So in the pruning process---I've had serious feelings of loneliness---however that is slowly beginning to fade with the substantial relationships that are forming in my life.
I'm beginning to establish relationships where I am free to be me! No more performing, impressing, pretending----just honesty and vulnerability.
Loving relationships---not romantic---just loving. Male and female friendship relationships.
You can live without sex (which I hope I don't have to, but that's beside the point)---but you can't live without love.
How can anyone love me if I never show them who I am?
Love requires vulnerability.
I want to live out of love and vulnerability. It feels incredible to have people that love you for who you are.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Freedom or captivity
The other day I had an odd thought:
Responsibility is freedom.
What?! My thoughts began to bicker. That makes no sense.
Yet. Somehow it does. To me, anyways.
I've never felt more alive than when I have responsibilities. It makes you feel important and free.
Responsibilities just tie you down. They control your life. That's what the world told me anyways. But what if it's not true? What if having responsibilities sets you free?
Free from apathy. YES. That's it.
There is nothing more freeing than feeling worth while. Feeling like your making a difference in the world in some small way. Whether it be loving someone or being a good employee.
We have the choice to take responsibility for our actions. We are free to MOVE. To LIVE. To LOVE.
We must assume responsibility to be free.
Yet, be careful what you choose to be responsible for---also beware of action out of obligation.
Responsibility is a choice we make out of desire, passion, love. It is freeing, not captivating.
These are my thoughts. Maybe spiritual, maybe logical, maybe absurd, and maybe profound.
But for me, responsibility is freedom from apathy. Spiritually I believe.
Responsibility is freedom.
What?! My thoughts began to bicker. That makes no sense.
Yet. Somehow it does. To me, anyways.
I've never felt more alive than when I have responsibilities. It makes you feel important and free.
Responsibilities just tie you down. They control your life. That's what the world told me anyways. But what if it's not true? What if having responsibilities sets you free?
Free from apathy. YES. That's it.
There is nothing more freeing than feeling worth while. Feeling like your making a difference in the world in some small way. Whether it be loving someone or being a good employee.
We have the choice to take responsibility for our actions. We are free to MOVE. To LIVE. To LOVE.
We must assume responsibility to be free.
Yet, be careful what you choose to be responsible for---also beware of action out of obligation.
Responsibility is a choice we make out of desire, passion, love. It is freeing, not captivating.
These are my thoughts. Maybe spiritual, maybe logical, maybe absurd, and maybe profound.
But for me, responsibility is freedom from apathy. Spiritually I believe.
Monday, November 8, 2010
flattery and fallacy
I went to visit Nick last weekend.
It was his 21st birthday and since he doesn't drink, he invited friends to join him and his family for an amazing dinner.
Yes, I was the only female friend.
Dinner was exquisite. Fondue feast. Over $50/person and his parents paid for all ten guests. Wow.
I was treated like a queen all weekend.
I stayed in a beautiful guest house with included a private bathroom and kitchen. All my needs were met and all my wishes granted. This is too good to be true, I thought.
Nick showered me with words of affirmation. Speaking of me as if I were a goddess. He even opened his heart to tell me he has feelings for me and always has.
He tells me I'm unlike any other girl he's ever met. He expresses that he is mostly attracted to my personality more than to my physical appearance, although he reaffirms my physical beauty.
Not once did Nick try to make any advances. We even went star gazing with pillows and blankets. The opportunity was prime, yet the boundaries of friends were not crossed.
He was an absolute gentlemen the entire weekend. His respect for me is flattering beyond words.Yet, something in my spirit sleeps.
This is not the one I have for you
Although all the qualities were there in this man, something was missing---something that I believe is the most important aspect---the spirit connection.
I know he has faith in God, but the confusion that I felt spiritually while I was at his home, is the spiritual confusion I think he may be living in.
His father is an active Mormon, while his mother is simply a spiritual women. She attends the Mormon church with her husband, but she refuses to convert to Mormonism.
Their relationship is absolutely fascinating to me in how they respect each others beliefs, yet don't agree. I wonder how their dissonance affects the depth of their relationship. On the outside it appears to have little affect---but one can still wonder.
It's obvious that Nick does not care that our spiritual beliefs are different. He encourages me to "trust my god" even if "my god" is not the same as "his god".
Part of me wanted to believe that I could be satisfied in a relationship were our spirituality was our own and alignment was not necessary---but I can't.
I need a spiritual connection. I need connection in the depths of my heart---which includes my spirituality. I have to be true to myself and trust that God has future and a hope for me.
It was his 21st birthday and since he doesn't drink, he invited friends to join him and his family for an amazing dinner.
Yes, I was the only female friend.
Dinner was exquisite. Fondue feast. Over $50/person and his parents paid for all ten guests. Wow.
I was treated like a queen all weekend.
I stayed in a beautiful guest house with included a private bathroom and kitchen. All my needs were met and all my wishes granted. This is too good to be true, I thought.
Nick showered me with words of affirmation. Speaking of me as if I were a goddess. He even opened his heart to tell me he has feelings for me and always has.
He tells me I'm unlike any other girl he's ever met. He expresses that he is mostly attracted to my personality more than to my physical appearance, although he reaffirms my physical beauty.
Not once did Nick try to make any advances. We even went star gazing with pillows and blankets. The opportunity was prime, yet the boundaries of friends were not crossed.
He was an absolute gentlemen the entire weekend. His respect for me is flattering beyond words.Yet, something in my spirit sleeps.
This is not the one I have for you
Although all the qualities were there in this man, something was missing---something that I believe is the most important aspect---the spirit connection.
I know he has faith in God, but the confusion that I felt spiritually while I was at his home, is the spiritual confusion I think he may be living in.
His father is an active Mormon, while his mother is simply a spiritual women. She attends the Mormon church with her husband, but she refuses to convert to Mormonism.
Their relationship is absolutely fascinating to me in how they respect each others beliefs, yet don't agree. I wonder how their dissonance affects the depth of their relationship. On the outside it appears to have little affect---but one can still wonder.
It's obvious that Nick does not care that our spiritual beliefs are different. He encourages me to "trust my god" even if "my god" is not the same as "his god".
Part of me wanted to believe that I could be satisfied in a relationship were our spirituality was our own and alignment was not necessary---but I can't.
I need a spiritual connection. I need connection in the depths of my heart---which includes my spirituality. I have to be true to myself and trust that God has future and a hope for me.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Distraction
I just read my last post (which I posted only a few minutes ago) and was disgusted. I'm completely distracted. Lord, you know the desires of my heart-- You know how much I want a sustaining relationship-- Lord, help me to trust you more. God, how easy I get caught up with my interactions with boys. I have to admit it's fun and exciting to have attraction in my life. It's honestly a lot of fun being young and "looking". I just feel like I'm losing patients. Every boy I encounter I think about compatibility possibilities. There are too many options yet not enough. I firmly believe that we can fall in love with anyone if we choose to. I feel like God has given me the choice to love whomever I want--yet I want Him to align my spirit with my future husband's--I want to be confident in dating that I am not wasting my time or setting myself up to get hurt. If I have those doubts something is obviously wrong. Why do I let myself toy with the idea of dating someone who's core values don't align with mine--am i that desperate? Am I interested out of fear that no one else will like me? Am I interested because I'm flattered?
It's hard because I don't want to just cut things off with this Nick guy and not even give him a chance, but at the same time I don't want to get to a place where I am attached to this guy whose spirit is not aligned with mine.
I told him I'd come down next weekend to Sac because it's his birthday and he's going to dinner with some friends---which should be fun--but for some reason i'm second guessing myself. Lord, please guide me in this journey. Lord, you know my heart and I simply want to follow yours. Please guide me in my interactions with this guy and keep my heart right. Thanks God. Your the best!
It's hard because I don't want to just cut things off with this Nick guy and not even give him a chance, but at the same time I don't want to get to a place where I am attached to this guy whose spirit is not aligned with mine.
I told him I'd come down next weekend to Sac because it's his birthday and he's going to dinner with some friends---which should be fun--but for some reason i'm second guessing myself. Lord, please guide me in this journey. Lord, you know my heart and I simply want to follow yours. Please guide me in my interactions with this guy and keep my heart right. Thanks God. Your the best!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
???
I had a great weekend. Friday night I went to my friend Lily's Birthday party and it was a blast. Mostly bethel people attended and there was plenty of dancing and fun conversations. I had some conversations with Matt--an international student--and I couldn't help but feel that there was some possible attraction there. He is an awesome guy, but my only concern in our understanding of one another. Conversation with him is often difficult because I can't always understand him and I don't think he can always understand me. Joking around can be challenging sometimes. He is a fun, upbeat guy though, but I still don't know all that much about him. The guy that I originally liked from church was there--I definitely got some weird vibes from him--felt like he distanced himself from me--maybe he sensed my attraction toward him and didn't want to reciprocate--i'm not sure---honestly I'm not that worried about it---It was a school girl crush and I just wanted to get to know him more--which I did---and I'm content. He's still a neat guy, but my feelings have gone.
Saturday I drove to Sac to visit some old friends. We went to Nick's ranch which was a ton of fun! I loved meeting his family--kinda took me by surprise. Their family dynamics were attractive to me. Nick took us skeet shooting, horseback riding, zip-lining---the works. Nick has been extraordinarily kind to me and I know he's liked me in the past. On the way home he texted me and told me he wanted me in his life and that the 2.5hr drive is nothing--I'm totally worth it--he would drive down every week just to be with me. Sooo---i'm not sure how honest that was---it felt pretty genuine and sincere to me--I was definitely flattered---no guy has ever said anything like that to me before--and I think he meant it. I just unfortunately don't know if thats what I want or not.
Saturday I drove to Sac to visit some old friends. We went to Nick's ranch which was a ton of fun! I loved meeting his family--kinda took me by surprise. Their family dynamics were attractive to me. Nick took us skeet shooting, horseback riding, zip-lining---the works. Nick has been extraordinarily kind to me and I know he's liked me in the past. On the way home he texted me and told me he wanted me in his life and that the 2.5hr drive is nothing--I'm totally worth it--he would drive down every week just to be with me. Sooo---i'm not sure how honest that was---it felt pretty genuine and sincere to me--I was definitely flattered---no guy has ever said anything like that to me before--and I think he meant it. I just unfortunately don't know if thats what I want or not.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Preparing the heart
I haven't talked to the church guy since that night I was humbled. Seems silly, but I question my own intentions.
I used to believe that I didn't want to get married, and that I would be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life. That was back when I wasn't always honest with myself.
God made us to be relational beings. I desire the intimacy that comes with being in a covenant relationship with another human being. I believe that God knows the desires of my heart and He wants the best for me. I believe He wants to reveal His glory in successful, sustainable, and satisfying marriages.
In this time of my life, I think God is showing me that I need to get my satisfaction from Him. There is no man on this planet that can fulfill me---that can give me everything I need--and vice versa---I can never completely satisfy a man. It has to be God. God has to be what we are full of. God has to be the one in whom I trust. If I trust God, I can be prepared to expect the unexpected. When things go wrong in a relationship and people don't always do what you want them to, it's easy to put your trust in your expectation of them instead of putting your trust in God. Putting your trust in your expectations of what you think they should do is a set-up for getting hurt. People will not always meet your expectations, and how we respond to that is key. Are we disappointed, frustrated, mad, ect? Or do we trust that God has a plan and even if others aren't doing what we think they should be--we know that God love us and will take care of us even when know one else will.
I learned this last year when I got attached to this guy I really liked. I expected this guy to act a certain way, and when he didn't, I got hurt---because I trusted in my expectations of him instead of God.
Why I am bring this up today? I'm not really sure. I just am trusting God that He has a plan for my life and that he will provide a compatible life companion for me. No longer do I want to strive or worry about finding "the one"--but I want to trust that God will take care of me and provide a husband for me. Thank you God for your faithfulness and love. You are so great God. Lord, I pray that you will prepare his heart whoever he may be, and God, that you would also prepare my heart. Amen
I used to believe that I didn't want to get married, and that I would be perfectly happy being single for the rest of my life. That was back when I wasn't always honest with myself.
God made us to be relational beings. I desire the intimacy that comes with being in a covenant relationship with another human being. I believe that God knows the desires of my heart and He wants the best for me. I believe He wants to reveal His glory in successful, sustainable, and satisfying marriages.
In this time of my life, I think God is showing me that I need to get my satisfaction from Him. There is no man on this planet that can fulfill me---that can give me everything I need--and vice versa---I can never completely satisfy a man. It has to be God. God has to be what we are full of. God has to be the one in whom I trust. If I trust God, I can be prepared to expect the unexpected. When things go wrong in a relationship and people don't always do what you want them to, it's easy to put your trust in your expectation of them instead of putting your trust in God. Putting your trust in your expectations of what you think they should do is a set-up for getting hurt. People will not always meet your expectations, and how we respond to that is key. Are we disappointed, frustrated, mad, ect? Or do we trust that God has a plan and even if others aren't doing what we think they should be--we know that God love us and will take care of us even when know one else will.
I learned this last year when I got attached to this guy I really liked. I expected this guy to act a certain way, and when he didn't, I got hurt---because I trusted in my expectations of him instead of God.
Why I am bring this up today? I'm not really sure. I just am trusting God that He has a plan for my life and that he will provide a compatible life companion for me. No longer do I want to strive or worry about finding "the one"--but I want to trust that God will take care of me and provide a husband for me. Thank you God for your faithfulness and love. You are so great God. Lord, I pray that you will prepare his heart whoever he may be, and God, that you would also prepare my heart. Amen
Ephraim
"For I know that thoughts I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
Wow, God is faithful.
After the "Love Lounge" open mic night at Grilla Bites the other night, my dad and I were both inspired immensely. The next day we decided we should have people over because we craved the creative culture. My dad had talked to one of the outstanding performers (we'll call him Mr. P) and later he invited Mr. P over for the party. To our joy, Mr. P showed up and brought one of his friends, Miss C! Miss C is the founder of the "Love Lounge" and it was such a blessing and honor to have them both in our home. The get-together shortly turned in to a Spirit lead gathering when a few of the guests revealed their incredible God given gifts. Prayer and prophesy followed, and it was a glorious night--literally.
The next morning some of my good friends from Sacramento came down and took me fly fishing! It was fun learning to fly fish, but it was an interesting dynamic. You see, the guy that took me used to like me---a lot. How do I know? Well he's told me. Several times. And he tells me he kicks himself for not pursuing me more. He's honestly a really neat---tons of fun---wild---full of adventure and risk--respectful--mountain man. I had a feeling he liked me last year, but he never admitted to it until semi-recently. I've seen potential in this guy, but I've also seen quite a few red flags which is why I hesitate in my interactions with him.
Fly fishing was fun---but I felt slightly awkward that he spent so much time and effort in order for me to be able to fish. It was very considerate, and knowing him, it's not something he does for everyone. Overall though, it was honestly quite refreshing to hang out with an old friend that I have history with, but at the same time brought up some feelings of nastalgia.
I've struggled a bit to feel connected here in Redding. Slightly ironic because my whole family is here in Redding, yet somehow I still often feel alone. I think college was a distraction for me. I feel as if it's a societal tactic to keep college students stressed and busy so they don't have time to think about their pains. Being home I've had time to think about pains and feel sorrow--but I rejoice in it because I know it's healing. "Sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad counteance the heart is made better" -Ecclesiastes 7:3. Ignoring or denying what your feeling is not dealing with the issue. When you face it, you realize God has given us the grace to overcome the hurts in our lives and the hurts don't hinder us because he washes us white as snow. I had tons of friends in college, but none of them really knew me--deeply--except one at Westmont---but none at Sac. A few tried to get to know me, like this guy that took me fly fishing, but I tried not to let him too much because I was unsure of his intentions. I had a fear of man. A fear to be myself and be open. A fear to be vulnerable. I was hurt and afriad.
I think the Lord is softening my heart. The only reason I've felt lack of love is because I haven't given love---I haven't been able to make myself vulnerable. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to be stupid and wear my heart of my sleeve, but I don't want to be afraid to love just because I'm afraid to get hurt. There is beauty in the pain. I'm learning that in my family---the reason I feel pain from family and family members' choices is because I love them---and that makes it totally worth every ounce of pain I may feel. The beautiful thing is I see hope and freedom for my family. We're on a journey, and we're not quite there yet, but we have definitely made some serious progress. I'm amazed at how well I get along with my mom and dad now. I enjoy being around them more than I think I ever have before. Their breakthough in their marriage has created the foundations for healing and restoration in our relationships. Their roof is going to be my floor and I will never again have to battle what they've conquered in their marriage---yay God!
Now, what I currently feel I need to improve on is my self-discipline. There are many things I desire to do, but I haven't had the discipline to actually follow through in the past. I made myself run today, and it felt soo great once I was out there. There is something about disciplining yourself to do what you know you want most even if you don't feel like doing it in a moment.
So this morning I made myself read the bible even though I didn't feel like it. I read in Jeremiah about the Tribe of Ephraim of Isreal and God' faithfulness to his people despite their unfaithfulness. What a great God we serve.
So a testimony of his faithfulness in my life---
After I read about his faithfulness. I checked my facebook to find a message from a family friend offering me a 5 day babysitting opportunity---offering $100/day! Wow, I didn't need to stress about finding a job or getting funds---God provides the finances for me! Awesome! He is faithful even when I doubt Him. Thank you God for your goodness and another incredible day! God give me strength and self-discipline! Thank you for your promises---You are soo good God!
Wow, God is faithful.
After the "Love Lounge" open mic night at Grilla Bites the other night, my dad and I were both inspired immensely. The next day we decided we should have people over because we craved the creative culture. My dad had talked to one of the outstanding performers (we'll call him Mr. P) and later he invited Mr. P over for the party. To our joy, Mr. P showed up and brought one of his friends, Miss C! Miss C is the founder of the "Love Lounge" and it was such a blessing and honor to have them both in our home. The get-together shortly turned in to a Spirit lead gathering when a few of the guests revealed their incredible God given gifts. Prayer and prophesy followed, and it was a glorious night--literally.
The next morning some of my good friends from Sacramento came down and took me fly fishing! It was fun learning to fly fish, but it was an interesting dynamic. You see, the guy that took me used to like me---a lot. How do I know? Well he's told me. Several times. And he tells me he kicks himself for not pursuing me more. He's honestly a really neat---tons of fun---wild---full of adventure and risk--respectful--mountain man. I had a feeling he liked me last year, but he never admitted to it until semi-recently. I've seen potential in this guy, but I've also seen quite a few red flags which is why I hesitate in my interactions with him.
Fly fishing was fun---but I felt slightly awkward that he spent so much time and effort in order for me to be able to fish. It was very considerate, and knowing him, it's not something he does for everyone. Overall though, it was honestly quite refreshing to hang out with an old friend that I have history with, but at the same time brought up some feelings of nastalgia.
I've struggled a bit to feel connected here in Redding. Slightly ironic because my whole family is here in Redding, yet somehow I still often feel alone. I think college was a distraction for me. I feel as if it's a societal tactic to keep college students stressed and busy so they don't have time to think about their pains. Being home I've had time to think about pains and feel sorrow--but I rejoice in it because I know it's healing. "Sorrow is better than laughter for by a sad counteance the heart is made better" -Ecclesiastes 7:3. Ignoring or denying what your feeling is not dealing with the issue. When you face it, you realize God has given us the grace to overcome the hurts in our lives and the hurts don't hinder us because he washes us white as snow. I had tons of friends in college, but none of them really knew me--deeply--except one at Westmont---but none at Sac. A few tried to get to know me, like this guy that took me fly fishing, but I tried not to let him too much because I was unsure of his intentions. I had a fear of man. A fear to be myself and be open. A fear to be vulnerable. I was hurt and afriad.
I think the Lord is softening my heart. The only reason I've felt lack of love is because I haven't given love---I haven't been able to make myself vulnerable. Now, I'm not saying I'm going to be stupid and wear my heart of my sleeve, but I don't want to be afraid to love just because I'm afraid to get hurt. There is beauty in the pain. I'm learning that in my family---the reason I feel pain from family and family members' choices is because I love them---and that makes it totally worth every ounce of pain I may feel. The beautiful thing is I see hope and freedom for my family. We're on a journey, and we're not quite there yet, but we have definitely made some serious progress. I'm amazed at how well I get along with my mom and dad now. I enjoy being around them more than I think I ever have before. Their breakthough in their marriage has created the foundations for healing and restoration in our relationships. Their roof is going to be my floor and I will never again have to battle what they've conquered in their marriage---yay God!
Now, what I currently feel I need to improve on is my self-discipline. There are many things I desire to do, but I haven't had the discipline to actually follow through in the past. I made myself run today, and it felt soo great once I was out there. There is something about disciplining yourself to do what you know you want most even if you don't feel like doing it in a moment.
So this morning I made myself read the bible even though I didn't feel like it. I read in Jeremiah about the Tribe of Ephraim of Isreal and God' faithfulness to his people despite their unfaithfulness. What a great God we serve.
So a testimony of his faithfulness in my life---
After I read about his faithfulness. I checked my facebook to find a message from a family friend offering me a 5 day babysitting opportunity---offering $100/day! Wow, I didn't need to stress about finding a job or getting funds---God provides the finances for me! Awesome! He is faithful even when I doubt Him. Thank you God for your goodness and another incredible day! God give me strength and self-discipline! Thank you for your promises---You are soo good God!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Ruined
Ruined. Today I felt I was ruined. God where are you? My heart cried.
It's intriguing how we are most vulnerable after we receive breakthrough in our lives.
Waking up this morning was more difficult than it should be to awaken to a beautiful day. I was dragging. God what's wrong with me?
I dreamed of food that I couldn't eat. I was trying to enjoy my meal with one of my friends but they kept moving around. "what the matter?" she asked me.
"I'm just really hungry and I want to eat my food." I replied. Then the alarm clock rang---beep beep beep. Snooze. (five minutes later)--beep beep beep. Snooze. (again)--- beep beep beep.
ugh. I need to wake up.
Another 10 hour night of sleep. Is that normal? My mind flooded with things I wanted to do today and I couldn't decided where to start. God give me grace.
As I was getting dressed my phone rang---"Hey Mom!" I answered.
"Sweetie, did you get your passport yet?" She asked.
"Oh, shoot, no, I need to do that still" I said with forlorn.
"You need to do that today or else you won't get it back in time for our trip"
"okay" I replied.
Change of plans.
Frustration.
God change my attitude. God I need to hear your voice.
Silence--something never heard--
A challenging day. After the trailer hitch fell on my foot as I was helping my dad cover the boat, I had a feeling that not everything was going to go my way today. "OUCH!!" I yelped trying to hold back tears that broke through my inhibitions. That was the beginning of the tearful day.
I cried a few more times in frustration as I drove around in circles trying to navigate my way downtown and get everything together for my passport. What is the matter with me?
At home, I decided some quiet time would be good. God, what is going on? Please guide me, I need you.
My dad comes home---"Hey, what are you doing?"
"I think I need to go for a run, want to join me?"
"Hmm....I want to do something, but I like the gym"
"Why don't I meet you there---i'll run, you drive?"
"Alright, and then want to go out to dinner with me after?"
YES! My day is getting better! "I'd love to!"
Exercising always helps me feel better. Spending time at the gym with my dad was nice. It's funny with my dad--we both want to hang out with each other, but we don't really know how. It's a little awkward sometimes because we're both so different, but I something inside me loves being around him, especially recently.
We went to Grilla Bites for dinner---what a good choice--it's open mic night! After indulging ourselves in a delicious meal we take delight in the series of performers---some astounding, others amusing. It was an obvious Bethel crowd, and the energy was inviting. I was planning on going to the Lighthouse after dinner, but being so captivated with the show, I stayed there with my dad until 10pm. I was inspired from the show and the whole car ride home I was singing at the top of my lungs. Arriving home to an empty house (my dad went to visit curtis) I continued the singing and played around on the piano and guitar for a good half hour. I felt encouraged. Maybe one day I could present something at an open mic night---if I practice--a lot. Thanks God for the fun evening I got to spend with my dad!
A hard day with a happy ending---Thanks God!
It's intriguing how we are most vulnerable after we receive breakthrough in our lives.
Waking up this morning was more difficult than it should be to awaken to a beautiful day. I was dragging. God what's wrong with me?
I dreamed of food that I couldn't eat. I was trying to enjoy my meal with one of my friends but they kept moving around. "what the matter?" she asked me.
"I'm just really hungry and I want to eat my food." I replied. Then the alarm clock rang---beep beep beep. Snooze. (five minutes later)--beep beep beep. Snooze. (again)--- beep beep beep.
ugh. I need to wake up.
Another 10 hour night of sleep. Is that normal? My mind flooded with things I wanted to do today and I couldn't decided where to start. God give me grace.
As I was getting dressed my phone rang---"Hey Mom!" I answered.
"Sweetie, did you get your passport yet?" She asked.
"Oh, shoot, no, I need to do that still" I said with forlorn.
"You need to do that today or else you won't get it back in time for our trip"
"okay" I replied.
Change of plans.
Frustration.
God change my attitude. God I need to hear your voice.
Silence--something never heard--
A challenging day. After the trailer hitch fell on my foot as I was helping my dad cover the boat, I had a feeling that not everything was going to go my way today. "OUCH!!" I yelped trying to hold back tears that broke through my inhibitions. That was the beginning of the tearful day.
I cried a few more times in frustration as I drove around in circles trying to navigate my way downtown and get everything together for my passport. What is the matter with me?
At home, I decided some quiet time would be good. God, what is going on? Please guide me, I need you.
My dad comes home---"Hey, what are you doing?"
"I think I need to go for a run, want to join me?"
"Hmm....I want to do something, but I like the gym"
"Why don't I meet you there---i'll run, you drive?"
"Alright, and then want to go out to dinner with me after?"
YES! My day is getting better! "I'd love to!"
Exercising always helps me feel better. Spending time at the gym with my dad was nice. It's funny with my dad--we both want to hang out with each other, but we don't really know how. It's a little awkward sometimes because we're both so different, but I something inside me loves being around him, especially recently.
We went to Grilla Bites for dinner---what a good choice--it's open mic night! After indulging ourselves in a delicious meal we take delight in the series of performers---some astounding, others amusing. It was an obvious Bethel crowd, and the energy was inviting. I was planning on going to the Lighthouse after dinner, but being so captivated with the show, I stayed there with my dad until 10pm. I was inspired from the show and the whole car ride home I was singing at the top of my lungs. Arriving home to an empty house (my dad went to visit curtis) I continued the singing and played around on the piano and guitar for a good half hour. I felt encouraged. Maybe one day I could present something at an open mic night---if I practice--a lot. Thanks God for the fun evening I got to spend with my dad!
A hard day with a happy ending---Thanks God!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Looking inside
I just had a conversation with one of my guy friends from high school. I can't help but feel terribly sad for this guy who is honestly one of the most positive, fun, and amazing guys I know---but he is struggling right now because he desperately wants someone to love him for who he is, but he doesn't love himself---which breaks my heart.
He has this way of lying to himself that he can do everything, even though he knows he can't, but he thinks if he tells himself he can, he can do better than if he didn't believe he could. Okay, so I understand the speaking things into existence part of his philosophy, but he has no grace for himself when he falls short of his expectations.
He has this desire to do better---he always believes he can do better---so basically everything he does isn't good enough. He has a good heart--he wants to make a difference in the world--but he beats himself up for every short coming.
I feel like he, along with many people I know (including myself sometimes!), are too focused on the external. He wants to make everything on the outside look like it's perfect when he's torn on the inside. I feel once we fix our internals, then slowly but surely we will bear fruit on our external lives. If we focus on making the outside look good---we will get frustrated at every little mishap and try to fix the issue which is simply a symptom of a larger heart issue. Yeah, we can treat the symptoms and try to stop doing this thing we dislike doing---but we will never cure the disease unless we treat our heart.
It's just hard to see such an amazing guy going through so much pain because he simply won't stop and look inside himself and address the root of the issue. I also think it's difficult because he is in another country and I hope God will reveal Himself to this guy.
Lord, please help my friend. God, show him how much you love him just the way he is. Father protect him while he is away from his home, family and friends. In Your Mighty Name I pray--Amen
He has this way of lying to himself that he can do everything, even though he knows he can't, but he thinks if he tells himself he can, he can do better than if he didn't believe he could. Okay, so I understand the speaking things into existence part of his philosophy, but he has no grace for himself when he falls short of his expectations.
He has this desire to do better---he always believes he can do better---so basically everything he does isn't good enough. He has a good heart--he wants to make a difference in the world--but he beats himself up for every short coming.
I feel like he, along with many people I know (including myself sometimes!), are too focused on the external. He wants to make everything on the outside look like it's perfect when he's torn on the inside. I feel once we fix our internals, then slowly but surely we will bear fruit on our external lives. If we focus on making the outside look good---we will get frustrated at every little mishap and try to fix the issue which is simply a symptom of a larger heart issue. Yeah, we can treat the symptoms and try to stop doing this thing we dislike doing---but we will never cure the disease unless we treat our heart.
It's just hard to see such an amazing guy going through so much pain because he simply won't stop and look inside himself and address the root of the issue. I also think it's difficult because he is in another country and I hope God will reveal Himself to this guy.
Lord, please help my friend. God, show him how much you love him just the way he is. Father protect him while he is away from his home, family and friends. In Your Mighty Name I pray--Amen
Connection
Sometimes you forget how difficult it is to simply spend time with your own family. Not that they are difficult to be around, but it's impressive how you can live so close to them and only see them in passing. Everyone has their separate agenda and their own lives that keep them occupied. How can I show them I love them if I hardly hang out with them?
The other day I was reading this "deparate marriage" book that was lying around our house. Sounds strange for a single woman to be reading, but I like to be knowledgable about relational issues and I thought it might have some helpful tips. The author mentioned that many people complain that their need for love is not being met--and the author points out that these people are looking to recieve love instead of give it. When I read that, I realized that sometimes I deal with that in my own life. I am disappointed when I don't recieve love from my family---but how am I giving it?
I think I need to change my focus. It's not about me getting the love and wholeness I need from my family, rather, it's me getting the love I need from God, and seeking out ways to give love to my family. I know one of my love languages is quality time, so I've been seeking after quality time to feel loved from my family instead of seeking out their love languages. God has really put it on my heart to improve on ways to express love each of my family members individually.
Since I've been home, I've already seen improvements in my relationships with my family. I believe that before this semester is over, my family is going to be closer that we've ever been before. We are going to know how to love eachother well, relate, and communicate effectively. I'm excited for what God is doing in my family life. So fun!
The other day I was reading this "deparate marriage" book that was lying around our house. Sounds strange for a single woman to be reading, but I like to be knowledgable about relational issues and I thought it might have some helpful tips. The author mentioned that many people complain that their need for love is not being met--and the author points out that these people are looking to recieve love instead of give it. When I read that, I realized that sometimes I deal with that in my own life. I am disappointed when I don't recieve love from my family---but how am I giving it?
I think I need to change my focus. It's not about me getting the love and wholeness I need from my family, rather, it's me getting the love I need from God, and seeking out ways to give love to my family. I know one of my love languages is quality time, so I've been seeking after quality time to feel loved from my family instead of seeking out their love languages. God has really put it on my heart to improve on ways to express love each of my family members individually.
Since I've been home, I've already seen improvements in my relationships with my family. I believe that before this semester is over, my family is going to be closer that we've ever been before. We are going to know how to love eachother well, relate, and communicate effectively. I'm excited for what God is doing in my family life. So fun!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Apple Tree
In our front yard, we have a beautiful apple tree. Last year, my dad decided in order to make room for his new RV, he would chop down almost half of the tree so he could squeeze his rig behind it.
In previous years, this apple tree produced mediocre apples. They were small and slightly bitter so you wouldn't want to eat them plain-- but my mom made some pretty stellar apple pies with them, so we enjoyed having the tree.
After my dad "pruned" this apple tree, my mom was nervous that the tree would no longer produce fruit because it looked as if nothing was left of the tree. To all of our surprise, the tree produced apples more abundantly then ever before, and they were the most juicy, and delicious apples I have ever had straight from an apple tree!
Today, I decided to go for a walk, and on my way to the trail I saw a rose bush and thought--wow, this rose bush needs to be pruned--
Why?
So it will bloom, I answered.
How will pruning help that?
Well it can focus all it's energy and nutrients on only a few branches so they can bloom instead of trying to spread it's limited resources on a huge bush...
Then it hit me. BAM. That is what God is doing in my life. He's pruning me.
For those of you who don't know, I'll give a little background. I was a college student at Westmont for a year, and then Sacramento State University for a year. In both places I did well in school and I looked great on a piece of paper, but something was missing on the inside. I was empty. I was depressed. Although I had a number of friends, I felt alone.
What's wrong with me?! I would often ask myself. None of it made sense. I was president of the Snowboard Team, I had a 3.6 GPA, I had a great job at the fitness center, I had plenty of friends, I had a supportive family, I had all of my college expenses taken care of---Why am I not happy? I didn't have an answer at the time, but I knew something needed to change in my life.
I felt as if God called me to move home with my family. I called up my dad the Friday before classes started and told him I wanted to withdrawal, and he said, "okay, if that's what you think is best." Wow, what a great dad to believe in me.
So I gave it all up-- the title as snowboard president, the job, the friends, the scholarship--and moved home. Now what? I asked God.
Trust me
A few weeks passed and I became restless-- I started to doubt God's plan. I need to do something!
Trust me
I began to try to promote myself. I got involved with a church and quickly became apart of the core leadership. I found myself starting to become attracted to this guy there.
One night I had a conversation with this guy, and he was asking me some tough questions. I didn't know how to respond. I kept self-promoting. I arrogantly told him "oh yeah, I go to 2nd year school of ministry, but a lot of it is repeat for me, I already know all this stuff because I grew up around it.."
"oh" he replied, "so how has it been applying the principles to your life?"
Dumbfounded, I realized I hadn't been. I mumbled some reply like, "oh yea, its been great.." blah blah blah---but it hit me pretty hard. Dang, for being so "spiritually mature" I was pretty immature.
That night, being so intrigued by this guy who challenged me, I looked him up on facebook. I wanted to know more about him. God, why I am I thinking about him so much? I could feel that the attraction was only one way, and I was flustrated. Normally when I flirt with a guy they flirt back---not this guy---nope---nothing.
As creepy and stalker status as this sounds, I saw a link to his myspace page, so without thinking twice I clicked on it. Blog, I thought. I know I used the myspace blog, maybe I could learn more about him by reading his blog---I didn't think about how creepy it was until after the fact--I was just so curious.
His blog was in depth. WOW, I thought. That explains a lot. I was humbled. He so vividly wrote about his testimony and spiritual journey. He was incredibly open about his faith and was confident in who he was. The last four years he has devoted himself to a lifestyle of trusting in God. I read some of my old blogs---yuck---I was mess. No wonder this guy was not attracted to me--I am farther behind in my spiritual journey.
I felt myself desire to be more spiritually mature. I could tell that God used my attraction to this guy to speak to me. Looking back I saw that the last couple of years I had spent trying to promote myself. Self-promotion stems from a lack of trust in God I recalled from a sermon. I have heard a large number of sermons and have quite a bank of kingdom principles--But I do trust in you, God, I thought.
Do you? He asked. Then why do you try and control your life?
I thought for a second. Wow, He was right, I didn't really trust in Him. I had not submitted myself to Him fully.
Ok God, I submit myself to you, show me how to trust you like I've never trusted you before
So He is pruning me. Although right now I may not look attractive to the world to be "successful," God is helping me get my priorities straight. He wants me to pour my energy and resources into that which is most important for me right now, so I can produce the most juicy and delicious fruit. He has cut things out of my life like school, work, friends, responsibilities, ect---so I can seek after His heart and His plans.
"Seek thee first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you..."
That is the promise He has given me. Today I already saw breakthrough. After He revealed that He was pruning me and I agreed to trust Him, I had the best run I've had in a long time! I was able to run 4 miles and even pick up my pace the last half mile home. It was incredible! I have been struggling to be able to do basically ANYTHING, and today I felt I did so much and with such grace.
I even went to church tonight, and a guy named Alex from Scottland came up to me and gave me a prophetic word. I have never seen nor talked to this man before and he said to me, "It might seem strange, but God wanted me to tell you that even though you think you need to get a job, He has a different plan for you and wants you to trust Him."
Wow, I thought. That totally was for me! I receive that!
I'm so excited for this journey God is taking me on. It is exciting to see Him working in my life in the most creative ways. I am so happy living a life submitted to Him, He has greater plans for me than anything I could try and achieve on my own. What a great God I serve! Thanks Papa God!
In previous years, this apple tree produced mediocre apples. They were small and slightly bitter so you wouldn't want to eat them plain-- but my mom made some pretty stellar apple pies with them, so we enjoyed having the tree.
After my dad "pruned" this apple tree, my mom was nervous that the tree would no longer produce fruit because it looked as if nothing was left of the tree. To all of our surprise, the tree produced apples more abundantly then ever before, and they were the most juicy, and delicious apples I have ever had straight from an apple tree!
Today, I decided to go for a walk, and on my way to the trail I saw a rose bush and thought--wow, this rose bush needs to be pruned--
Why?
So it will bloom, I answered.
How will pruning help that?
Well it can focus all it's energy and nutrients on only a few branches so they can bloom instead of trying to spread it's limited resources on a huge bush...
Then it hit me. BAM. That is what God is doing in my life. He's pruning me.
For those of you who don't know, I'll give a little background. I was a college student at Westmont for a year, and then Sacramento State University for a year. In both places I did well in school and I looked great on a piece of paper, but something was missing on the inside. I was empty. I was depressed. Although I had a number of friends, I felt alone.
What's wrong with me?! I would often ask myself. None of it made sense. I was president of the Snowboard Team, I had a 3.6 GPA, I had a great job at the fitness center, I had plenty of friends, I had a supportive family, I had all of my college expenses taken care of---Why am I not happy? I didn't have an answer at the time, but I knew something needed to change in my life.
I felt as if God called me to move home with my family. I called up my dad the Friday before classes started and told him I wanted to withdrawal, and he said, "okay, if that's what you think is best." Wow, what a great dad to believe in me.
So I gave it all up-- the title as snowboard president, the job, the friends, the scholarship--and moved home. Now what? I asked God.
Trust me
A few weeks passed and I became restless-- I started to doubt God's plan. I need to do something!
Trust me
I began to try to promote myself. I got involved with a church and quickly became apart of the core leadership. I found myself starting to become attracted to this guy there.
One night I had a conversation with this guy, and he was asking me some tough questions. I didn't know how to respond. I kept self-promoting. I arrogantly told him "oh yeah, I go to 2nd year school of ministry, but a lot of it is repeat for me, I already know all this stuff because I grew up around it.."
"oh" he replied, "so how has it been applying the principles to your life?"
Dumbfounded, I realized I hadn't been. I mumbled some reply like, "oh yea, its been great.." blah blah blah---but it hit me pretty hard. Dang, for being so "spiritually mature" I was pretty immature.
That night, being so intrigued by this guy who challenged me, I looked him up on facebook. I wanted to know more about him. God, why I am I thinking about him so much? I could feel that the attraction was only one way, and I was flustrated. Normally when I flirt with a guy they flirt back---not this guy---nope---nothing.
As creepy and stalker status as this sounds, I saw a link to his myspace page, so without thinking twice I clicked on it. Blog, I thought. I know I used the myspace blog, maybe I could learn more about him by reading his blog---I didn't think about how creepy it was until after the fact--I was just so curious.
His blog was in depth. WOW, I thought. That explains a lot. I was humbled. He so vividly wrote about his testimony and spiritual journey. He was incredibly open about his faith and was confident in who he was. The last four years he has devoted himself to a lifestyle of trusting in God. I read some of my old blogs---yuck---I was mess. No wonder this guy was not attracted to me--I am farther behind in my spiritual journey.
I felt myself desire to be more spiritually mature. I could tell that God used my attraction to this guy to speak to me. Looking back I saw that the last couple of years I had spent trying to promote myself. Self-promotion stems from a lack of trust in God I recalled from a sermon. I have heard a large number of sermons and have quite a bank of kingdom principles--But I do trust in you, God, I thought.
Do you? He asked. Then why do you try and control your life?
I thought for a second. Wow, He was right, I didn't really trust in Him. I had not submitted myself to Him fully.
Ok God, I submit myself to you, show me how to trust you like I've never trusted you before
So He is pruning me. Although right now I may not look attractive to the world to be "successful," God is helping me get my priorities straight. He wants me to pour my energy and resources into that which is most important for me right now, so I can produce the most juicy and delicious fruit. He has cut things out of my life like school, work, friends, responsibilities, ect---so I can seek after His heart and His plans.
"Seek thee first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you..."
That is the promise He has given me. Today I already saw breakthrough. After He revealed that He was pruning me and I agreed to trust Him, I had the best run I've had in a long time! I was able to run 4 miles and even pick up my pace the last half mile home. It was incredible! I have been struggling to be able to do basically ANYTHING, and today I felt I did so much and with such grace.
I even went to church tonight, and a guy named Alex from Scottland came up to me and gave me a prophetic word. I have never seen nor talked to this man before and he said to me, "It might seem strange, but God wanted me to tell you that even though you think you need to get a job, He has a different plan for you and wants you to trust Him."
Wow, I thought. That totally was for me! I receive that!
I'm so excited for this journey God is taking me on. It is exciting to see Him working in my life in the most creative ways. I am so happy living a life submitted to Him, He has greater plans for me than anything I could try and achieve on my own. What a great God I serve! Thanks Papa God!
The Beginnings/Introduction
This is a blog about my spiritual journey and how it relates to the entirety of my life. I personally have been inspired from reading blogs, and although I'm no writer, I decided it's time to be open and honest with my thoughts. Ultimately this blog is for me to better understand my journey, but part of the experience is making it accessible for the public to find, read, and see me transparently---and hopefully in the process I can inspire others by my freedom, honesty, and vulnerability. If your about to read this, be prepared for writing which is raw, real, and blunt. I think everyone has some form of spirituality, whether they acknowledge it or not, and here I will write about mine and the adventures that come forth. Feel free to comment--I'd love to hear your honest opinions. I appreciate both positive and negative feedback so that I can continue to grow and learn.
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