Vulnerable

Heart-broken. Humiliated.

How low must I go, God?

First, the one guy that I ever really loved came over to my house for Thanksgiving--I didn't find out he was coming until the day of. Not that it was particularly difficult having him over, it was just a very painful event after he left.

My mind was forced to remember my encounters with this man. This man whom my parents loved and supported. This man whom I once loved and would do almost anything for. Yes, it all came back to me and I realized nothing had changed.

I still love him. Always will. It's my nature, it's the core of who I am. Not in a romantic way, just in a friend-loving way. If he called me right now and needed my help, I would jump in my car and go help him.Once I choose to love, I will always love. However, I have let him go, because that is what he wanted, that is what he chose, and true love requires sacrifice.

To know, that he was everything to me, and I was nothing to him.

I told him everything, I practically gave him my heart on a silver platter, and do you know what his response was? --Silence---

He never responded. Didn't say a word. I moved to Sac. He never contacted me. Never said good-bye. He basically shut me out of his life.

Do I blame him?

Of course not. Knowing his background, I had no reason to believe that he would do anything different.

Did I care?

At the time: no. I loved him and I hoped.

Did it hurt?

Like a thousand knives spilling my guts.

When I think about it now (a year later), I sometimes still cry. I have to force myself to stop thinking that maybe he'll contact me and say he wants to be friends again--- I have to face the facts:

He doesn't love me like I love him.

I still don't know why I chose to love him, it kind of just happened as we developed our friendship and I got to know him more. I just felt a connection with this guy that I've never felt before or after him. I still pray for him often even though I know I will most likely never be someone he chooses to love.

He had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship before I met him, and I know he was in no place to date. I just felt his heart, and the lack of love he was consumed with, and my heart was stirred to love him even in his imperfections.

He has quite a rough past and it would've been easy for me to make the judgment that I shouldn't get involved with him. However, I didn't care about his past, I saw his heart---and it was made of gold.

Considering a future with him, it was the first time that I found myself okay with the fact that he was not a virgin---which previously had been an important factor for me---but even with that knowledge, I loved him just the same.


At the end of Thanksgiving night, Evan gave me a hug and said, "we need to hang out sometime..."

(One of my biggest pet peeves is insincerity)

"Yeah," I said, "whenever is good for me, your the one that's busy."

For background, I had only a few weeks ago asked him if he wanted to catch up, he said "sure" but there was no follow through. I dropped it because I figured he didn't really want to catch up with me. I was the only one making an effort, it was evident he still didn't want to talk to me.

He's civil in person, but there is so much that was not dealt with--- it drives me crazy.

Another of my pet peeves is leaving messes/problems/issues unresolved.

I am a problem solver! That is what I love to do. Issues...I hate them...and I will do anything to work them out as soon as possible. I like closure. I like to make sure everyone is happy. I like to leave things on a positive note. This was not the case.

I have so many unanswered questions.  A year later and I still have pain.

I don't even care to have a romantic relationship with him, I just liked his friendship.

It was like losing my best friend and not know why or what you did wrong. He didn't tell me ANYTHING. He closed the door on me and there is nothing I can do about but respect his wishes.

It is what it is.

I went over to my friend Brad's house tonight. Yes, Brad, is not his real name. Nor are any of the names real in my blog for their privacy.

I was humiliated when he mentioned a name that rang familiarity in my ears---it was a fictitious name from my blog!

Turns out, not Brad, but one of my guy friends mentioned previously in this blog, found out about my blog somehow, and read it.

I was humiliated.

Not because I didn't use his real name (apparently he was offended by it), but because of the personal content this blog contains.

I write this blog mostly for myself to understand my thoughts and to be able to reflect on my thoughts in the future. I also told a few close friends and then family that I thought might be interested in my personal life. I didn't anticipate guys that I wrote about to find the blog, so I was completely humiliated as my friend Brad spoke of this private content almost mockingly.

I admit, it is my own fault for making this blog publicly available. Part of me feels exposed, yet, I still feel convicted to write my heart.

I can't go much lower socially. I've already lost any tid-bit of popularity I once acquired. It means nothing. You can be the most well-liked person in the world and still be miserable.

So what if I am mocked or looked down upon for how I think or what I believe?

I am finally being honest with myself. I am finally following my heart.

Yeah, maybe I'll lose a lot of friends, but the ones that stick around will be the ones worth keeping.

The people who will love me for who I am, are the ones that I want in my life.

I have nothing left to hide.

God has stripped me to complete vulnerability, so I can finally give and receive love.

I can truly love my family and friends now, because I know what they're worth. I know how valuable they are.

I will no longer take so much for granted.

It's true, you never know what you've got until it's gone.

So Lord, here I am. As vulnerable as I can possibly be.

I am trusting you, God. I know Your plan for me is greater than anything I can achieve on my own. In that, I take great joy!