Alive.

Today I've never felt so restless in my life.

I woke up abnormally early for how late I went to sleep.

I started moving and fulfilled my "to-do" list before noon.

I went to school early to volunteer my time like I typically do.

I should have felt overwhelmed by the build up of work from the previous Thanksgiving break, but instead I finished it all in a hour and spent the rest of my 2.5 hours at school ---restless---pacing---anxious.

This is odd.

After school I gave a lady a ride to church and then went straight to my tutoring sessions with two of my students. It went well---and I drove home to grab food quickly before I picked up the three kids I promised to babysit.

I babysat for three hours--played, fed them dinner, took them hot-tubbing, then returned them home to their wonderful parents.

Arriving home at 9:30pm, I still was full of energy.

I'm restless! This is sooo abnormal for me. I never feel anxious for no reason. I had a full day and still I feel like I need more. I need to do more. I want to do more. I am capable of doing so much more.

I have a love-hate relationship with this feeling of restlessness. It's definitely a step up from my feelings of apathy, but I'm not sure what to do next.

It's exciting and irritating to not have plans for my life. It's crazy because God has completely provided for my every need thus far---I have been making more money doing odd jobs than I ever would make if I had a scheduled job. I'm surrounded with wonderful friends and family. Opportunities await me.

I felt like calling everyone I know and asking them what I can do to help out in their area--but then that feeling quickly passed as I realized my schedule is full for the next month.

So I'm seeking out what NEXT. I am so ready for the next adventure---send it my way God! I'm amp-ed!

Reflection

It's not too far gone.

All is not lost.

Hope remains.

My dreams last night were filled with feelings of vulnerability and exposure.

When I woke up, I considered deleting my blog altogether, and simply having a journal. I felt distraught about the whole situation and I decided to read some scripture---first thing I turned to was this:

"People shall be brought down, Each man shall be humbled, And the eyes of the lofty shall be humbled. But the Lord of hosts shall be exalted in judgment, And God who is holy shall be hallowed in righteousness. Then the lambs shall feed in their pasture, And in the waste places of the fat ones strangers shall eat."
Isaiah 5: 15-17

Okay, so somewhat of a random verse, but it just reassured me that God's work is at hand.

I feel like I'm ready for the next step.

I feel satisfied about the progress I've seen in my life this semester. I feel like I have a handle on what the Lord has been teaching me and I can't wait to see what lies ahead next semester.

Right now it looks like school isn't in plan for next semester. I feel like I need more vision about what I want to do with my life before I jump back to school.

I'm not sure whether I should stay in Redding or move on. My idea is to maybe stay in Redding, work, and then maybe go to New Zealand through YWAM come June.

I'm just looking for the right opportunity. I want to make every decision out of relationship and covering.

I'm excited for what the future beholds--thanks God for the adventures! =)

Vulnerable

Heart-broken. Humiliated.

How low must I go, God?

First, the one guy that I ever really loved came over to my house for Thanksgiving--I didn't find out he was coming until the day of. Not that it was particularly difficult having him over, it was just a very painful event after he left.

My mind was forced to remember my encounters with this man. This man whom my parents loved and supported. This man whom I once loved and would do almost anything for. Yes, it all came back to me and I realized nothing had changed.

I still love him. Always will. It's my nature, it's the core of who I am. Not in a romantic way, just in a friend-loving way. If he called me right now and needed my help, I would jump in my car and go help him.Once I choose to love, I will always love. However, I have let him go, because that is what he wanted, that is what he chose, and true love requires sacrifice.

To know, that he was everything to me, and I was nothing to him.

I told him everything, I practically gave him my heart on a silver platter, and do you know what his response was? --Silence---

He never responded. Didn't say a word. I moved to Sac. He never contacted me. Never said good-bye. He basically shut me out of his life.

Do I blame him?

Of course not. Knowing his background, I had no reason to believe that he would do anything different.

Did I care?

At the time: no. I loved him and I hoped.

Did it hurt?

Like a thousand knives spilling my guts.

When I think about it now (a year later), I sometimes still cry. I have to force myself to stop thinking that maybe he'll contact me and say he wants to be friends again--- I have to face the facts:

He doesn't love me like I love him.

I still don't know why I chose to love him, it kind of just happened as we developed our friendship and I got to know him more. I just felt a connection with this guy that I've never felt before or after him. I still pray for him often even though I know I will most likely never be someone he chooses to love.

He had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship before I met him, and I know he was in no place to date. I just felt his heart, and the lack of love he was consumed with, and my heart was stirred to love him even in his imperfections.

He has quite a rough past and it would've been easy for me to make the judgment that I shouldn't get involved with him. However, I didn't care about his past, I saw his heart---and it was made of gold.

Considering a future with him, it was the first time that I found myself okay with the fact that he was not a virgin---which previously had been an important factor for me---but even with that knowledge, I loved him just the same.


At the end of Thanksgiving night, Evan gave me a hug and said, "we need to hang out sometime..."

(One of my biggest pet peeves is insincerity)

"Yeah," I said, "whenever is good for me, your the one that's busy."

For background, I had only a few weeks ago asked him if he wanted to catch up, he said "sure" but there was no follow through. I dropped it because I figured he didn't really want to catch up with me. I was the only one making an effort, it was evident he still didn't want to talk to me.

He's civil in person, but there is so much that was not dealt with--- it drives me crazy.

Another of my pet peeves is leaving messes/problems/issues unresolved.

I am a problem solver! That is what I love to do. Issues...I hate them...and I will do anything to work them out as soon as possible. I like closure. I like to make sure everyone is happy. I like to leave things on a positive note. This was not the case.

I have so many unanswered questions.  A year later and I still have pain.

I don't even care to have a romantic relationship with him, I just liked his friendship.

It was like losing my best friend and not know why or what you did wrong. He didn't tell me ANYTHING. He closed the door on me and there is nothing I can do about but respect his wishes.

It is what it is.

I went over to my friend Brad's house tonight. Yes, Brad, is not his real name. Nor are any of the names real in my blog for their privacy.

I was humiliated when he mentioned a name that rang familiarity in my ears---it was a fictitious name from my blog!

Turns out, not Brad, but one of my guy friends mentioned previously in this blog, found out about my blog somehow, and read it.

I was humiliated.

Not because I didn't use his real name (apparently he was offended by it), but because of the personal content this blog contains.

I write this blog mostly for myself to understand my thoughts and to be able to reflect on my thoughts in the future. I also told a few close friends and then family that I thought might be interested in my personal life. I didn't anticipate guys that I wrote about to find the blog, so I was completely humiliated as my friend Brad spoke of this private content almost mockingly.

I admit, it is my own fault for making this blog publicly available. Part of me feels exposed, yet, I still feel convicted to write my heart.

I can't go much lower socially. I've already lost any tid-bit of popularity I once acquired. It means nothing. You can be the most well-liked person in the world and still be miserable.

So what if I am mocked or looked down upon for how I think or what I believe?

I am finally being honest with myself. I am finally following my heart.

Yeah, maybe I'll lose a lot of friends, but the ones that stick around will be the ones worth keeping.

The people who will love me for who I am, are the ones that I want in my life.

I have nothing left to hide.

God has stripped me to complete vulnerability, so I can finally give and receive love.

I can truly love my family and friends now, because I know what they're worth. I know how valuable they are.

I will no longer take so much for granted.

It's true, you never know what you've got until it's gone.

So Lord, here I am. As vulnerable as I can possibly be.

I am trusting you, God. I know Your plan for me is greater than anything I can achieve on my own. In that, I take great joy!

it's comedic really

this life.

it's quite hilarious at times.

when I think about it.

the strife. the fight. the pain. the struggle.

the romance. the boundaries. the thoughts. the decisions.

ssometimes I wonder...

is it really worth it?

if nothing more.

It'll be worth the laugh.

Laugh or cry.

decisions again.

Of how you look at life.

Of course

Sight, smells, cities.

Bleak.

Beautiful beyond belief.

Mountains, oceans, valleys, creeks.

Anything to stop the leak.

Of blood that runs out my heart.

For what was lost and what's to start.

Consume, resume, occupy, busy.

Spin and spin until your dizzy.

Fill the void, fill the city.

With everything you ought to pity.

Yourself. Never. It's not a party.

Until the fat lady sings.

Yes. Until the fat lady sings.

Begin again.

Find a friend.

Hope, love, bleed.

Breathe.

Move

Where or how---I don't know.

Also I know is that when: the time is now.

Faster, slower, upper, lower.

Around and around we go.

Move.

Breathe.

Intake.

Partake.

Forsake. No one.

Ever. Can.

Will.

Try.

Breathe.

Like your alive.

It's a new beginning.

Without an end.

Fresh start.

All over again.

Pronounce. Renounce.

It's all game. If you don't know. Now.

Flee.

Run. Hide.

Shame.

Forget. The pain.

Fever. Nausea.

No one. To blame.

Admit. Convict. Forgive. Blame.

End without beginning.

Never. Again.

Hope. Lies. Here.

Again.

Believe. Receive. Relieve.

Freedom.

To.

Move.

Progress

The morning came---and went. I slept through it all.

My dad was waiting for me downstairs--noting the time I awoke--but not saying anything about it---he didn't have to---his eyes expressed the disappointment: Sleeping in again, huh?

It was almost 1pm this time, and he called me into the family room to talk.

Oh boy, here we go again.

I expected a guilt trip and braced myself for the conversation, but was surprised by my dad's communication skills.

"I love you" he said. "I am on your side"

He explained to me that he understands that "I am my own person" and have different strengths than he, and he expressed an effort to understand me better, so he can help me succeed.

Wow, I have a great dad.

Although the conversation was in parts difficult for me to hear, I was impressed with my dad's ability to express his thoughts and feelings. He wants us both to feel good about our living situation, and is looking out for both of our best interests.

At the end of our conversation he gave me some suggestions on how to better achieve my goals. He told me he believes in me and wants the best for me--that is why he feels it's in both of our best interests for me to contribute more (aka pay rent). He doesn't want me to be spoiled. And I am thankful for his ability to communicate it in a loving way. I had no objection. I completely agree---I want to carry my weight. I want to contribute---and I'm just trusting God for the means.

I don't have a job. I don't have a plan.

May sound ridiculous---but I think it's brilliant.

So far I feel quite accomplished. I already feel much closer to my family. My dad and I are beginning to understand one another better and figure out how to relate. Spiritual I feel like I've grown immensely. My emotional pain level has dropped significantly. Altogether I feel healthier and happier physically, emotionally, and spiritually!

I've been giving guitar lessons to kids at the christian school for free and volunteering my time helping out with BSSM2 Travel. I'm learning to manage my time when I don't have external deadlines, and I'm finally building the life that I want to live.

I feel great! I feel like I'm finally getting life right.

Thanks God for being so faithful! I look forward to all that You have in store!

Friends

There is something so rewarding about being true to yourself.

Tonight I received an encouraging message from a good guy friend of mine from Westmont. He stumbled upon my blog, and the feedback he gave me made my heart jump for joy! YAY! friends that care!

It's true that my spiritual journey has required pruning pieces of my life that I once enjoyed so thoroughly---like friends---not that God wanted to take away my friends---but I believe He wants to give me meaningful relationships.

This may sound arrogant---but I have always had a lot of friends. I've always been well-liked and somewhat "popular" so-to-speak. I've changed schools many times and I've never had trouble making friends---ever.

However---it came to a point where I had a lot of friends---but I was very alone. No one REALLY knew me. I invested time in multiple shallow relationships---but I wasn't a good friend to any of them---and vice versa.

So in the pruning process---I've had serious feelings of loneliness---however that is slowly beginning to fade with the substantial relationships that are forming in my life.

I'm beginning to establish relationships where I am free to be me! No more performing, impressing, pretending----just honesty and vulnerability.

Loving relationships---not romantic---just loving. Male and female friendship relationships.

You can live without sex (which I hope I don't have to, but that's beside the point)---but you can't live without love.

How can anyone love me if I never show them who I am?

Love requires vulnerability.

I want to live out of love and vulnerability. It feels incredible to have people that love you for who you are.

relentless

You won't relent until You have it all...

My heart is Yours.

Freedom or captivity

The other day I had an odd thought:
 
Responsibility is freedom.

What?! My thoughts began to bicker. That makes no sense.

Yet. Somehow it does. To me, anyways.

I've never felt more alive than when I have responsibilities. It makes you feel important and free.

Responsibilities just tie you down. They control your life. That's what the world told me anyways. But what if it's not true? What if having responsibilities sets you free?

Free from apathy. YES. That's it.

There is nothing more freeing than feeling worth while. Feeling like your making a difference in the world in some small way. Whether it be loving someone or being a good employee.

We have the choice to take responsibility for our actions. We are free to MOVE. To LIVE. To LOVE.

We must assume responsibility to be free.

Yet, be careful what you choose to be responsible for---also beware of action out of obligation.

Responsibility is a choice we make out of desire, passion, love. It is freeing, not captivating.

These are my thoughts. Maybe spiritual, maybe logical, maybe absurd, and maybe profound.

But for me, responsibility is freedom from apathy. Spiritually I believe.

flattery and fallacy

I went to visit Nick last weekend.

It was his 21st birthday and since he doesn't drink, he invited friends to join him and his family for an amazing dinner.

Yes, I was the only female friend.

Dinner was exquisite. Fondue feast. Over $50/person and his parents paid for all ten guests. Wow.

I was treated like a queen all weekend.

I stayed in a beautiful guest house with included a private bathroom and kitchen. All my needs were met and all my wishes granted. This is too good to be true, I thought.

Nick showered me with words of affirmation. Speaking of me as if I were a goddess. He even opened his heart to tell me he has feelings for me and always has.

He tells me I'm unlike any other girl he's ever met. He expresses that he is mostly attracted to my personality more than to my physical appearance, although he reaffirms my physical beauty.

Not once did Nick try to make any advances. We even went star gazing with pillows and blankets. The opportunity was prime, yet the boundaries of friends were not crossed.

He was an absolute gentlemen the entire weekend. His respect for me is flattering beyond words.Yet, something in my spirit sleeps.

This is not the one I have for you
Although all the qualities were there in this man, something was missing---something that I believe is the most important aspect---the spirit connection.

I know he has faith in God, but the confusion that I felt spiritually while I was at his home, is the spiritual confusion I think he may be living in.

His father is an active Mormon, while his mother is simply a spiritual women. She attends the Mormon church with her husband, but she refuses to convert to Mormonism.

Their relationship is absolutely fascinating to me in how they respect each others beliefs, yet don't agree. I wonder how their dissonance affects the depth of their relationship. On the outside it appears to have little affect---but one can still wonder.

It's obvious that Nick does not care that our spiritual beliefs are different. He encourages me to "trust my god" even if "my god" is not the same as "his god".

Part of me wanted to believe that I could be satisfied in a relationship were our spirituality was our own and alignment was not necessary---but I can't.

I need a spiritual connection. I need connection in the depths of my heart---which includes my spirituality. I have to be true to myself and trust that God has future and a hope for me.

Distraction

I just read my last post (which I posted only a few minutes ago) and was disgusted. I'm completely distracted. Lord, you know the desires of my  heart-- You know how much I want a sustaining relationship-- Lord, help me to trust you more. God, how easy I get caught up with my interactions with boys. I have to admit it's fun and exciting to have attraction in my life. It's honestly a lot of fun being young and "looking". I just feel like I'm losing patients. Every boy I encounter I think about compatibility possibilities. There are too many options yet not enough. I firmly believe that we can fall in love with anyone if we choose to. I feel like God has given me the choice to love whomever I want--yet I want Him to align my spirit with my future husband's--I want to be confident in dating that I am not wasting my time or setting myself up to get hurt. If I have those doubts something is obviously wrong. Why do I let myself toy with the idea of dating someone who's core values don't align with mine--am i that desperate? Am I interested out of fear that no one else will like me? Am I interested because I'm flattered?

It's hard because I don't want to just cut things off with this Nick guy and not even give him a chance, but at the same time I don't want to get to a place where I am attached to this guy whose spirit is not aligned with mine.

I told him I'd come down next weekend to Sac because it's his birthday and he's going to dinner with some friends---which should be fun--but for some reason i'm second guessing myself. Lord, please guide me in this journey. Lord, you know my heart and I simply want to follow yours. Please guide me in my interactions with this guy and keep my heart right. Thanks God. Your the best!