Breaking down

I broke down tonight.

It was utterly unexpected.

I've been sick the past few days with a cold/cough/asthma issue and I absolutely despise being ill. I had made plans for girls to come over tonight weeks ago and I was determined to not let some lousy cold/crap thing to rain on my parade. So, I simply took every symptom reliever I knew to take and waited anxiously for the evening to arrive.

The ladies quickly trickled over to my house and before I knew it, I was a host to a houseful of happy hormones. These are all amazing women and there energy was delightful, but I was frustrated with my inability to keep up. My head was throbbing and I felt as if I couldn't breathe with the asthma tightening my throat in all the excitement.

After welcoming conversations and preparing popcorn we headed up stairs to watch a wellness conference. The whole time I couldn't keep my mind off of the difficulty I was having breathing. I lay, arms stretched out to open my lungs, and concentrated on breathing with my diaphragm.

Wheezing, wheezing, and more wheezing.

God why am I sick? I've been doing everything to be healthy---this doesn't make sense!

Listening to women speak of wellness you tend to realize how "unwell" you are. Especially when your sick.

After we listened, us women began to discuss some of our struggles with wellness. I began sharing how I was so frustrated I was sick when I've been doing everything  I know on the externals to be healthy.

I began to process my  feelings out loud, and before I could think twice, I was in tears because I was beginning to understand that I was sick not because of external factors, but because of internal ones.

I have been bottling my emotions because things in my family were starting to get icky again, and I didn't want to deal with it. I am disappointed because my relationship with my family is not where I want it to be, and it's frustrating because that is the main reason I came home in the first place-- I wanted to work on the relationships! Things were going well in the beginning, but now my parents are having issues again, I have little to no relationship with my brother, and my sister moved to Colorado so I can no longer see her on a regular basis. 

My family is again in a rut and I have no idea what to do about it. My initial reaction is to turn and run---but I feel like I need to hit some issues head on. I'm excited about this singles workshop because I know it's going to be so healthy for me, but I really want to see improvement in my relationship with my family. I see myself avoiding conflict instead of nipping it in the butt. I know this stuff that my family is dealing with is so trivial in the larger spectrum of life. We can absolute overcome this bump in the road. Unity is powerful, and I know that is 100% achievable.  I think I'm going to confront some issues head on tomorrow.

Lord, give me strength. I know that you are preparing me for greatness so help me to turn to you in moments of hardship. Lord, let me not be discouraged, but encourage because struggles mean growth and hardships only help me understand how great the good times are. Thank you for the process your walking me through Lord so that I may be a strong, hopeful, and powerful woman of God. Lord, thank you for your faithfulness and love---Show me how to love like You do.