Confrontation

It's always super awkward to confront issues to people.

Today was a fascinating day. Full of highs, lows and I don't knows.

Overall, I felt as if today brought more hope into my life.

I met with an incredible girl from Florida today and I felt as if she had a remarkably similar story to my own. I feel as if she is a potential incredible friend and I am more than stoked about growing closer with her.

Now the story of the guy I confronted begins.

So yesterday I found out via e-mail that I was not going to co-facilitate the singles workshop with the guy I thought I was going to co-facilitate with. He is one of the main leaders and I was thrilled at the possibility of leading a small group with him, as I feel we have a lot of common ground and he is super solid in leading. On discovering I was instead co-facilitating with a stranger, I couldn't help but feel disappointed and even slightly rejected (knowing that he more than likely had a say in the matter).

Now there is nothing even remotely romantic that has occurred between us, and our few encounters have been simple and sweet. I saw a lot of potential in becoming great friends with this guy simply because I felt as if there we could really relate. I feel like from multiple of our mutual friends, I was mislead into thinking that this guy was excited about co-facilitating with me also. This sudden change simply caught me off-guard and I was left feeling rejected, as if he frankly didn't want to co-facilitate with me.

It took me all day today to come to terms with this change. I did the positivity drill and looked at the bright side of things. I was nervous about whoever this guy was that I was now going to lead with, but I determined that whoever he may be, the experience of working with someone will in itself be a growing experience.

Arriving at the workshop I began conversing with my new co-facilitator immediately. It was good to rid the anxiety of who in the world this guy was. He appeared friendly, confident, and considerate.

The meeting started and our group appeared to have good chemistry. The people appeared willing and enthusiastic about the workshop. Leading with this guy I never talked to prior to this evening worked fine, although I see possible red flags that I intend to address as soon as possible. He is a very strong, confident leader who enjoy talking a lot--which is totally great. The possible issue I see is that I need to feel empowered as a co-leader. I saw myself supporting and standing behind his decisions and suggestions, but I didn't feel that reciprocated as much---it felt almost like a competition from my perspective--I would suggest something, and he would re-suggest something different and then take over doing what I suggested. His suggestions were great and he is a wonderful leader, but I need to see a team work and support for one another when I'm working with someone and I haven't quite felt that yet. I'm considering mentioning something in a loving way before it becomes an issue. Just let him know what I need as a co-leader and let him know I want to empower him and have it reciprocated so we are both being powerful people.

That was a long stream of thought....back to confronting story...

So after the meeting, I wanted to say something to the guy I was originally supposed to lead with. He is a great guy and I wanted him to be aware of how I felt about the situation out of respect for him because I know that it wasn't his intention for me to feel that way and I don't want to hide my feelings---this is a workshop on learning about relationships.

I know that it's important to communicate. Sometimes I question if my communication is too bold--but I know that I would appreciate someone telling me instead of being hurt and hiding from me and I'm left with no idea on what I did. So it was purely out of love and respect for this guy that I decided to talk with him about it.

He was busy talking with people after the meeting and I stuck around an hour after chatting in hopes that I would get a chance to say something to him. The chance did not present itself simply, so after 10pm I decided to just go home and drop it.

My mom was at home and talking to her convinced me that talking to him would be a good idea. Riled up in the moment, I shot him a text letting him know I wanted to talk with him whenever was convenient for him. Within minutes he texted back we could talk on the phone if I wasn't tired unless I wanted to talk in person. I figured it was best to get it off my chest before I dismissed it again.

So I called him.

"Hey, how was your group?" I started the conversation off shyly.

"Great" he replied courteously, "I'm really excited with it."

The conversation went on for a second, and it wasn't long before I cut to the chase.

"So, I guess I got my feelings hurt..." I began.

Gah, this is vulnerable and awkward. I thought immediately.

I didn't want him to think I was crushing on him or anything, because that truly wasn't the case. This is a respectable guy that is one of the few brave enough to handle tough conversations. I honestly thought the conversation with him would have been a bit easier considering the whole workshop is about learning how to work through relationship stuff. I felt a bit unprepared, and maybe slightly impulsive with my decision to call him.

It was hard, because I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was expecting something to come from the conversation or that maybe he had something to say that I could feed off of, but something felt off.

I felt a bit like I was attacking him, which wasn't my intention and I don't know if I communicated that well. My reasoning was purely out of desire to have healthy relationship and people that care about each other tell each other what is up.

He said all the right/predictable things that I had expected and I felt like he was trying to defend himself, probably because I came off attacking. He apologized and let me know it wasn't personal and that he hoped we still would become great friends.

"Are you at peace about everything now?" He asked in the kindest tone.

No, I thought to myself as tears began to well up in my eyes.

"Yea..." I said hesitantly, " maybe..."

I couldn't figure out why I wasn't at peace about it. Was I expecting something? I just felt like something from the equation was missing and I didn't get the reply I was looking for.

We talked a few minutes longer and I did the positivity drill to convince myself all was for the best. I tried to express that I simply felt at loss for not being able to lead with him because I wanted to grow closer in our friendship. He asked again if I was at peace about it, and I felt I had talked myself into being at peace about it--even though I still felt like I didn't find what I was looking for---but it's hard to find something when you don't know what it is your looking for exactly.

"Yeah" I said confidently, "I'm at peace."

The conversation ended. It was hard, but I felt it was in no way a loss trying to communicate. I just hope the message went across clear.

I'm super excited about the whole workshop and I know it's going to be very good for both of us. I feel like there are a ton of challenges headed my way, but I am excited about moving toward those challenges confidently. I also want to talk more with the guy I'm going to be leading with just to touch base and start things off on a solid note.

I'm tired of being that "yes" girl that lets everything roll off my back. I'm excited to gain skill on addressing issues simply out of love and care for people and desire for healthy relationship, but I realize I still have some work to do. I just hope people will have the love and courage to confront and approach me as well. I really know people care about me when they are brave enough to talk and confront me on stuff--that is how I've made some of my best friends.

I'm not going to lie, talking with this guy was super tough---more difficult than I anticipated--but I'm so thankful that he is such a great loving guy that I feel comfortable enough to be able to share my feelings with him. I hope it wasn't too much to fast (or so to speak), and that he receives my call in a loving way.

I guess now only time will tell what the future behold. Or God, of course...but Abba seems to enjoy surprising me---which I'm learning be happy about. I am learning to expect the unexpected trusting that Papa God is looking out for me and protecting my heart =)

What a beautiful journey He's taking me on!

Ps----things in my family felt INCREDIBLY better today---it made my heart happy to know that my time is not being wasted--I laugh that I ever believed that lie!