Faith vs. disbelief

Browsing my blog, I find it fascinating how much I've changed in such a short period of time. Even my perspectives on recent challenges are changing.

The heart-ache seems so distant---and the peace in my soul is so evident.

I had a conversation with an Agnostic friend the other day where I found myself content with the conversation. I used to be frustrated in conversations about religion  because they always seem so circular---but this conversation was different.

Having been on both ends of the spectrum--- Christian and Agnostic (I was border-line Atheist for a period of time)--- and having studied and researched religions and lack there of---this is what I've found:

I cannot prove God exists. Philosophers hate this---but I can not even logically deduct that God is real. Studying history--I am extremely irritated by the christian church for it's instances of corruption.

However, if I could logically prove God exists, there would be no such thing as faith. Studying history, I can also find negative stories about highly significant world changers--like Abraham Lincoln or John F. Kennedy--but it doesn't change what they did/who they are.

You can debate logic and philosophy forever if you'd like---but there is more to intelligence than academia--there is also something called emotional intelligence. The Ancient Greeks even realized that we need to have a balance in our mind, body, and spirit. Not just our mind people!

So hear me out...

What I noticed most about being on both ends of the spectrum was my emotional state---which I believe was reflecting my spirit.

When I was in disbelief of God, when I thought believing in God was causing me to be "close minded"--- My soul was in constant torment. I was smoking weed, drinking til I blacked out, hooking up with guys, shutting myself off emotionally, taking amphetamines---subconsciously trying everything and anything to escape the torment I was in.

It wasn't until I felt that I was broken beyond repair--that I began to cry out to a God that I had long ago given up on.

One day, when I was incredibly sick with nausea and fever (I was often sick during that period of time in my life), I told God I would quit drinking and smoking if He would make me well.

BAM. Literally in that instant---I was 100% better.

The period of time in my life when I believe wholeheartedly in God---There is an unexplainable peace in my soul. I once again see purpose in my life. I once again feel passionate and complete.

Obviously there as still trials and tribulations---but the inner peace I feel helps me to face the challenges with excitement and determination.

Maybe someday I will discover that I was wrong to believe in God, but I will not sabotage the peace I have that surpasses all understanding when I trust in Him. I never want to go back to the torment I was in. 

I chose to live by faith, even if it means looking beyond reason.