Family time

I'm feeling oddly raw and vulnerable this night. It feels almost as if my heart is aching.

There is no explanation for these feelings. Nothing out of the ordinary has occurred.

I've been a nanny the last few days for a lovely couple. It hasn't been the easiest job I've ever had, and my eyes have definitely been opened to the adventures of parenting that await me. I am no longer in quite a rush, although it is something that my heart desires.

I feel like my heart breaks for family.

I've been reading quotes and blogs about family life---and there is so much heart ache and let-down involved.

I'm an observer, and I've seen the way America does family, and I'm not convinced we have it right.

The documentary "Babies" I also found to be quite fascinating.

I am having difficulty pin-pointing my feelings, but I am simply irritated with our failure at family. So many of us kids grew up in lives of privilege, that we are almost ruined for anything else. Our attempts to make life "easier" has resulted in us making life more complicated.

I have a desire to simplify my life. From my observations, families that live more simple lives seem to have more healthy family dynamics-- generally speaking that is. I just have this strong desire to see families succeed because family to me is one of the most important things in this world.

I'm looking for strategy. I'm seeking wisdom. I'm yearning for truth.

God, I just thank you for the precious gift of family. Lord, I ask that you restore what has been broken, and heal what has been hurt. Father, that you would show us how to succeed in the area of family. That we would see family dynamics be strong, loving, and powerful.

God forgive us for where we have fallen short. Thank you that we are not disqualified, and still have an incredible destiny ahead.

Getting into shape

Not physically necessarily, although it might as well be included, but it's time for me to start building up my endurance and getting into shape.

Spring time is coming, and with the changing of the seasons, means changing of the lifestyle. It's time to kick into gear.

I can already feel the change of pace. Blooming time is near.

I can feel myself enthralled with excitement. Growth has been exponential in me the last week or two.

I have been practicing being vulnerable in my relationships, and realizing that it is the most incredible way to live. I have a need for deep connection with people and I am understanding that vulnerability is the best way to get there.

Nannying this last week is also teaching me a lot about the season ahead and reminding me what I need to prepare myself for. I am incredibly excited to start a family, and I know giving life and rearing children in the way they should go will be one of the most significant contributions I make to this world. I also am realizing how incredible my life is now and how important the decisions I make today are, because they create my future.

The restructuring of my bones/foundations is nearly finished, and the rest of the body is forming accordingly. I know it will take care to maintain the health of this new structure, but I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I want to be.

It's wonderful to keep in mind that I don't have to be perfect. That God loves me just the way I am, and there is nothing I could do to keep me from his love. I don't have to be ashamed of what I've done wrong in the past, but I can live freely knowing it doesn't change the way he feels about me and doesn't disqualify me from my destiny.

The areas I've been attacked in---my self esteem/worth/value---ect---are the areas in which I am destined to flourish. I am a women of confidence, value, and high self-esteem because I am an over-comer. The issues passed down from generation to generation will end with me, and will not be passed down in future generations.

I'm so thankful for this period of time in my life where I can evaluate what is important to me and where I want to pour out my energy. I ready to live out my dreams and passions. I ready to be me wholly, completely, and confidently.

Are there/will there be hard times, issues, and fall backs? Of course. But with a solid foundation, the storms will come and go, and all will not be lost.

That reminds me of a song from my childhood:

"don't build your house on the sandy land--don't build it too near the shore....well it might look kinda nice, but you'll have to build it twice, yeah, you'll have to build your house once more...

You better build your house upon a rock---make a firm foundation on a solid spot---well the storms may come and go, but the peace of God you will know.."

So fun! Thought I'd share.

A jumble of thoughts

There is a lot on my mind in this moment. Yes, some of it has to do with a guy, but honestly that's not the majority of my thoughts.

I'm looking for an open door of opportunity.

It feels as if so many doors in my life have been closed for this particular season. It has been so healthy for me to learn to trust God, because he even takes care of the sparrows.

Focusing on my family has been terrific, and there has been breakthrough. Is everything perfect? No. Does it have to be? I'm not sure.

My self-discipline could improve. I've been giving myself a lot of grace in this season, but I feel like it's time to step forward. I've had a ton of rest, and now I want to run the race with endurance. I want charge forward to something new, exciting, fulfilling, and fun.

I want my excitement for life to overcome my often dreariness to work. I'm realizing now, I am motivated mostly by people. Having people in my life keeps me going strong and working hard. I do more than I normally  might when people are involved...It's when no one is watching that I need to be disciplined in how I spend my time.

Too many hours go to the wonderful book of faces. I am absolutely a people person, so I need to be careful of how my social needs are being met, and not letting online networks fulfill my need for community, because it's not reality. Obviously I have community here which I love, but I just have too many probably unhealthy engagements online. Chatting for hours with people I rarely see is not a priority in my life, so why do I do it?

My parents keep having discussions with me and want to know where I'm going in life. The difficult part of the discussions is that I don't have a very clear answer because, well, I'm learning to trust in God. The issue is, they are fearful that I am being "disabled" by living a privileged life without having to have paid the price for it. Their fear rubs off on me at times, and I begin to wonder if I am becoming "disabled" or unable to support myself.

The problem is, I know I can always get a whatever job, and make-do, but I know that I have a great purpose in life than to simply survive. I don't take whatever jobs out of fear that I won't have provision, but my parents think I'm being spoiled and that I don't know how to work hard. But, thats just it, I've worked hard in school my entire life, and I just am no longer convinced that striving is the way to success. I definitely don't think that means goofing off, but there is a difference between striving and thriving.

I want to thrive.

I'm tired, this is to be continued.....

Excellence

"Be excellent in what is good, be innocent of evil" Romans 15:19

Excellence. Yes. Be excellent.

I learn a lot when I teach.

I have this one student, I'll call him Larry for blogs sake, that I tutor in math. He is bright kid, but has little motivation to do school because he's been defeated, so he has little desire to even try. I have to encourage Larry that he can do all things through Christ, and that he was made for excellence---advice I ought to give myself more often.

I often get defeated when I fail. I begin to believe the lie that I just simply cannot do it---I am incapable--when that is clearly not the case.

I have this overwhelming desire for excellence. I want to excel in so many areas of my life, but when I see failure, I sometimes easily give up.

I want to be incredibly hard-working, not out of performance or obligation, but out of desire and passion. To be excellent in what is good---to bring Kingdom and shine light. Doesn't matter how many times I fall short,  I am not a failure unless I give up, unless I no longer try.

I am an over-comer. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

It was recently prophesied over me that major growth/ "blossoming" is coming sooner than I might anticipate, and that I am heading in the right direction.
hi
My excitement for the future is unexplainable. I know great things lay in store, and they are just around the corner.

Thanks God for the incredible season I am in, and for all that you have blessed me with. I am so thankful for the people in my life, the opportunities arising, and the ability to be excellent in what is good. God I just ask for continued growth and deeper intimacy with You, my King.

India

This morning/afternoon, I woke up to my mom entering my room, telling me it was 3:00pm.

"WHAT!" I exclaimed, "That crazy, I was just having super strange, intense dreams..."

I knew from the moment I woke up that my dreams were significant, but I couldn't remember what they were about. I always find it irritating when I am unable to recall a vivid dream I just awoke from less than five minutes ago.

I went on with my day, and later was checking facebook. The first post I saw was from a friend of mine who said the were going to Iceland tomorrow.

India! That's it! I remembered!

The post brought me back to a part of my dream where I posted on facebook that I was on my way to India.

It was a completely random dream. Typically my dreams reflect my recent adventures, but this particular dream was one of those out-of-the-box/where-did-that-come-from dream.

I dreamt my family won a trip to a Disney Theme park someone in the world, but where was a surprise. We all went aboard this jet filled with other who had won the same trip---everyone was eager with anticipation to find out where in the world we were going. At some point on the flight, the beans were spilled. We were going to INDIA! Thus, I posted on facebook: on my way to India---crazy!

India was a bit surprising, but we were all excited to visit another country and we believed without a doubt it would be fun. When we arrived we were escorted by the Disney staff, but behind them were people broken, hurt, and dying. We were unable to speak with anyone because they spoke a different language.

The Disney people escorted us to a roller coaster which we gladly hopped on. The roller coaster took us through the town, and we saw more hungry, hurting, abandoned, and broken people who were looking at us with utter resentment.

It was hard to enjoy the ride when you see so many people in pain. My heart went out to the people, but we all felt so helpless. What could we do?

That  is all I could recall from the dream, but I shared it with my parents and it brought about some good conversation. We all are considering how we can better love our neighbors and help those in need. We are incredibly blessed, but sometimes it is hard to enjoy when you know people around you are in need. I don't believe feeling guilty for the blessings is the appropriate response, but rather acting out in love and care for those in need. We can start in our corner of the world, but I do hope someday to travel the world and impact more than just our city.


 

Confrontation

It's always super awkward to confront issues to people.

Today was a fascinating day. Full of highs, lows and I don't knows.

Overall, I felt as if today brought more hope into my life.

I met with an incredible girl from Florida today and I felt as if she had a remarkably similar story to my own. I feel as if she is a potential incredible friend and I am more than stoked about growing closer with her.

Now the story of the guy I confronted begins.

So yesterday I found out via e-mail that I was not going to co-facilitate the singles workshop with the guy I thought I was going to co-facilitate with. He is one of the main leaders and I was thrilled at the possibility of leading a small group with him, as I feel we have a lot of common ground and he is super solid in leading. On discovering I was instead co-facilitating with a stranger, I couldn't help but feel disappointed and even slightly rejected (knowing that he more than likely had a say in the matter).

Now there is nothing even remotely romantic that has occurred between us, and our few encounters have been simple and sweet. I saw a lot of potential in becoming great friends with this guy simply because I felt as if there we could really relate. I feel like from multiple of our mutual friends, I was mislead into thinking that this guy was excited about co-facilitating with me also. This sudden change simply caught me off-guard and I was left feeling rejected, as if he frankly didn't want to co-facilitate with me.

It took me all day today to come to terms with this change. I did the positivity drill and looked at the bright side of things. I was nervous about whoever this guy was that I was now going to lead with, but I determined that whoever he may be, the experience of working with someone will in itself be a growing experience.

Arriving at the workshop I began conversing with my new co-facilitator immediately. It was good to rid the anxiety of who in the world this guy was. He appeared friendly, confident, and considerate.

The meeting started and our group appeared to have good chemistry. The people appeared willing and enthusiastic about the workshop. Leading with this guy I never talked to prior to this evening worked fine, although I see possible red flags that I intend to address as soon as possible. He is a very strong, confident leader who enjoy talking a lot--which is totally great. The possible issue I see is that I need to feel empowered as a co-leader. I saw myself supporting and standing behind his decisions and suggestions, but I didn't feel that reciprocated as much---it felt almost like a competition from my perspective--I would suggest something, and he would re-suggest something different and then take over doing what I suggested. His suggestions were great and he is a wonderful leader, but I need to see a team work and support for one another when I'm working with someone and I haven't quite felt that yet. I'm considering mentioning something in a loving way before it becomes an issue. Just let him know what I need as a co-leader and let him know I want to empower him and have it reciprocated so we are both being powerful people.

That was a long stream of thought....back to confronting story...

So after the meeting, I wanted to say something to the guy I was originally supposed to lead with. He is a great guy and I wanted him to be aware of how I felt about the situation out of respect for him because I know that it wasn't his intention for me to feel that way and I don't want to hide my feelings---this is a workshop on learning about relationships.

I know that it's important to communicate. Sometimes I question if my communication is too bold--but I know that I would appreciate someone telling me instead of being hurt and hiding from me and I'm left with no idea on what I did. So it was purely out of love and respect for this guy that I decided to talk with him about it.

He was busy talking with people after the meeting and I stuck around an hour after chatting in hopes that I would get a chance to say something to him. The chance did not present itself simply, so after 10pm I decided to just go home and drop it.

My mom was at home and talking to her convinced me that talking to him would be a good idea. Riled up in the moment, I shot him a text letting him know I wanted to talk with him whenever was convenient for him. Within minutes he texted back we could talk on the phone if I wasn't tired unless I wanted to talk in person. I figured it was best to get it off my chest before I dismissed it again.

So I called him.

"Hey, how was your group?" I started the conversation off shyly.

"Great" he replied courteously, "I'm really excited with it."

The conversation went on for a second, and it wasn't long before I cut to the chase.

"So, I guess I got my feelings hurt..." I began.

Gah, this is vulnerable and awkward. I thought immediately.

I didn't want him to think I was crushing on him or anything, because that truly wasn't the case. This is a respectable guy that is one of the few brave enough to handle tough conversations. I honestly thought the conversation with him would have been a bit easier considering the whole workshop is about learning how to work through relationship stuff. I felt a bit unprepared, and maybe slightly impulsive with my decision to call him.

It was hard, because I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was expecting something to come from the conversation or that maybe he had something to say that I could feed off of, but something felt off.

I felt a bit like I was attacking him, which wasn't my intention and I don't know if I communicated that well. My reasoning was purely out of desire to have healthy relationship and people that care about each other tell each other what is up.

He said all the right/predictable things that I had expected and I felt like he was trying to defend himself, probably because I came off attacking. He apologized and let me know it wasn't personal and that he hoped we still would become great friends.

"Are you at peace about everything now?" He asked in the kindest tone.

No, I thought to myself as tears began to well up in my eyes.

"Yea..." I said hesitantly, " maybe..."

I couldn't figure out why I wasn't at peace about it. Was I expecting something? I just felt like something from the equation was missing and I didn't get the reply I was looking for.

We talked a few minutes longer and I did the positivity drill to convince myself all was for the best. I tried to express that I simply felt at loss for not being able to lead with him because I wanted to grow closer in our friendship. He asked again if I was at peace about it, and I felt I had talked myself into being at peace about it--even though I still felt like I didn't find what I was looking for---but it's hard to find something when you don't know what it is your looking for exactly.

"Yeah" I said confidently, "I'm at peace."

The conversation ended. It was hard, but I felt it was in no way a loss trying to communicate. I just hope the message went across clear.

I'm super excited about the whole workshop and I know it's going to be very good for both of us. I feel like there are a ton of challenges headed my way, but I am excited about moving toward those challenges confidently. I also want to talk more with the guy I'm going to be leading with just to touch base and start things off on a solid note.

I'm tired of being that "yes" girl that lets everything roll off my back. I'm excited to gain skill on addressing issues simply out of love and care for people and desire for healthy relationship, but I realize I still have some work to do. I just hope people will have the love and courage to confront and approach me as well. I really know people care about me when they are brave enough to talk and confront me on stuff--that is how I've made some of my best friends.

I'm not going to lie, talking with this guy was super tough---more difficult than I anticipated--but I'm so thankful that he is such a great loving guy that I feel comfortable enough to be able to share my feelings with him. I hope it wasn't too much to fast (or so to speak), and that he receives my call in a loving way.

I guess now only time will tell what the future behold. Or God, of course...but Abba seems to enjoy surprising me---which I'm learning be happy about. I am learning to expect the unexpected trusting that Papa God is looking out for me and protecting my heart =)

What a beautiful journey He's taking me on!

Ps----things in my family felt INCREDIBLY better today---it made my heart happy to know that my time is not being wasted--I laugh that I ever believed that lie!

Breaking down

I broke down tonight.

It was utterly unexpected.

I've been sick the past few days with a cold/cough/asthma issue and I absolutely despise being ill. I had made plans for girls to come over tonight weeks ago and I was determined to not let some lousy cold/crap thing to rain on my parade. So, I simply took every symptom reliever I knew to take and waited anxiously for the evening to arrive.

The ladies quickly trickled over to my house and before I knew it, I was a host to a houseful of happy hormones. These are all amazing women and there energy was delightful, but I was frustrated with my inability to keep up. My head was throbbing and I felt as if I couldn't breathe with the asthma tightening my throat in all the excitement.

After welcoming conversations and preparing popcorn we headed up stairs to watch a wellness conference. The whole time I couldn't keep my mind off of the difficulty I was having breathing. I lay, arms stretched out to open my lungs, and concentrated on breathing with my diaphragm.

Wheezing, wheezing, and more wheezing.

God why am I sick? I've been doing everything to be healthy---this doesn't make sense!

Listening to women speak of wellness you tend to realize how "unwell" you are. Especially when your sick.

After we listened, us women began to discuss some of our struggles with wellness. I began sharing how I was so frustrated I was sick when I've been doing everything  I know on the externals to be healthy.

I began to process my  feelings out loud, and before I could think twice, I was in tears because I was beginning to understand that I was sick not because of external factors, but because of internal ones.

I have been bottling my emotions because things in my family were starting to get icky again, and I didn't want to deal with it. I am disappointed because my relationship with my family is not where I want it to be, and it's frustrating because that is the main reason I came home in the first place-- I wanted to work on the relationships! Things were going well in the beginning, but now my parents are having issues again, I have little to no relationship with my brother, and my sister moved to Colorado so I can no longer see her on a regular basis. 

My family is again in a rut and I have no idea what to do about it. My initial reaction is to turn and run---but I feel like I need to hit some issues head on. I'm excited about this singles workshop because I know it's going to be so healthy for me, but I really want to see improvement in my relationship with my family. I see myself avoiding conflict instead of nipping it in the butt. I know this stuff that my family is dealing with is so trivial in the larger spectrum of life. We can absolute overcome this bump in the road. Unity is powerful, and I know that is 100% achievable.  I think I'm going to confront some issues head on tomorrow.

Lord, give me strength. I know that you are preparing me for greatness so help me to turn to you in moments of hardship. Lord, let me not be discouraged, but encourage because struggles mean growth and hardships only help me understand how great the good times are. Thank you for the process your walking me through Lord so that I may be a strong, hopeful, and powerful woman of God. Lord, thank you for your faithfulness and love---Show me how to love like You do.