India

This morning/afternoon, I woke up to my mom entering my room, telling me it was 3:00pm.

"WHAT!" I exclaimed, "That crazy, I was just having super strange, intense dreams..."

I knew from the moment I woke up that my dreams were significant, but I couldn't remember what they were about. I always find it irritating when I am unable to recall a vivid dream I just awoke from less than five minutes ago.

I went on with my day, and later was checking facebook. The first post I saw was from a friend of mine who said the were going to Iceland tomorrow.

India! That's it! I remembered!

The post brought me back to a part of my dream where I posted on facebook that I was on my way to India.

It was a completely random dream. Typically my dreams reflect my recent adventures, but this particular dream was one of those out-of-the-box/where-did-that-come-from dream.

I dreamt my family won a trip to a Disney Theme park someone in the world, but where was a surprise. We all went aboard this jet filled with other who had won the same trip---everyone was eager with anticipation to find out where in the world we were going. At some point on the flight, the beans were spilled. We were going to INDIA! Thus, I posted on facebook: on my way to India---crazy!

India was a bit surprising, but we were all excited to visit another country and we believed without a doubt it would be fun. When we arrived we were escorted by the Disney staff, but behind them were people broken, hurt, and dying. We were unable to speak with anyone because they spoke a different language.

The Disney people escorted us to a roller coaster which we gladly hopped on. The roller coaster took us through the town, and we saw more hungry, hurting, abandoned, and broken people who were looking at us with utter resentment.

It was hard to enjoy the ride when you see so many people in pain. My heart went out to the people, but we all felt so helpless. What could we do?

That  is all I could recall from the dream, but I shared it with my parents and it brought about some good conversation. We all are considering how we can better love our neighbors and help those in need. We are incredibly blessed, but sometimes it is hard to enjoy when you know people around you are in need. I don't believe feeling guilty for the blessings is the appropriate response, but rather acting out in love and care for those in need. We can start in our corner of the world, but I do hope someday to travel the world and impact more than just our city.


 

Confrontation

It's always super awkward to confront issues to people.

Today was a fascinating day. Full of highs, lows and I don't knows.

Overall, I felt as if today brought more hope into my life.

I met with an incredible girl from Florida today and I felt as if she had a remarkably similar story to my own. I feel as if she is a potential incredible friend and I am more than stoked about growing closer with her.

Now the story of the guy I confronted begins.

So yesterday I found out via e-mail that I was not going to co-facilitate the singles workshop with the guy I thought I was going to co-facilitate with. He is one of the main leaders and I was thrilled at the possibility of leading a small group with him, as I feel we have a lot of common ground and he is super solid in leading. On discovering I was instead co-facilitating with a stranger, I couldn't help but feel disappointed and even slightly rejected (knowing that he more than likely had a say in the matter).

Now there is nothing even remotely romantic that has occurred between us, and our few encounters have been simple and sweet. I saw a lot of potential in becoming great friends with this guy simply because I felt as if there we could really relate. I feel like from multiple of our mutual friends, I was mislead into thinking that this guy was excited about co-facilitating with me also. This sudden change simply caught me off-guard and I was left feeling rejected, as if he frankly didn't want to co-facilitate with me.

It took me all day today to come to terms with this change. I did the positivity drill and looked at the bright side of things. I was nervous about whoever this guy was that I was now going to lead with, but I determined that whoever he may be, the experience of working with someone will in itself be a growing experience.

Arriving at the workshop I began conversing with my new co-facilitator immediately. It was good to rid the anxiety of who in the world this guy was. He appeared friendly, confident, and considerate.

The meeting started and our group appeared to have good chemistry. The people appeared willing and enthusiastic about the workshop. Leading with this guy I never talked to prior to this evening worked fine, although I see possible red flags that I intend to address as soon as possible. He is a very strong, confident leader who enjoy talking a lot--which is totally great. The possible issue I see is that I need to feel empowered as a co-leader. I saw myself supporting and standing behind his decisions and suggestions, but I didn't feel that reciprocated as much---it felt almost like a competition from my perspective--I would suggest something, and he would re-suggest something different and then take over doing what I suggested. His suggestions were great and he is a wonderful leader, but I need to see a team work and support for one another when I'm working with someone and I haven't quite felt that yet. I'm considering mentioning something in a loving way before it becomes an issue. Just let him know what I need as a co-leader and let him know I want to empower him and have it reciprocated so we are both being powerful people.

That was a long stream of thought....back to confronting story...

So after the meeting, I wanted to say something to the guy I was originally supposed to lead with. He is a great guy and I wanted him to be aware of how I felt about the situation out of respect for him because I know that it wasn't his intention for me to feel that way and I don't want to hide my feelings---this is a workshop on learning about relationships.

I know that it's important to communicate. Sometimes I question if my communication is too bold--but I know that I would appreciate someone telling me instead of being hurt and hiding from me and I'm left with no idea on what I did. So it was purely out of love and respect for this guy that I decided to talk with him about it.

He was busy talking with people after the meeting and I stuck around an hour after chatting in hopes that I would get a chance to say something to him. The chance did not present itself simply, so after 10pm I decided to just go home and drop it.

My mom was at home and talking to her convinced me that talking to him would be a good idea. Riled up in the moment, I shot him a text letting him know I wanted to talk with him whenever was convenient for him. Within minutes he texted back we could talk on the phone if I wasn't tired unless I wanted to talk in person. I figured it was best to get it off my chest before I dismissed it again.

So I called him.

"Hey, how was your group?" I started the conversation off shyly.

"Great" he replied courteously, "I'm really excited with it."

The conversation went on for a second, and it wasn't long before I cut to the chase.

"So, I guess I got my feelings hurt..." I began.

Gah, this is vulnerable and awkward. I thought immediately.

I didn't want him to think I was crushing on him or anything, because that truly wasn't the case. This is a respectable guy that is one of the few brave enough to handle tough conversations. I honestly thought the conversation with him would have been a bit easier considering the whole workshop is about learning how to work through relationship stuff. I felt a bit unprepared, and maybe slightly impulsive with my decision to call him.

It was hard, because I think somewhere in the back of my mind I was expecting something to come from the conversation or that maybe he had something to say that I could feed off of, but something felt off.

I felt a bit like I was attacking him, which wasn't my intention and I don't know if I communicated that well. My reasoning was purely out of desire to have healthy relationship and people that care about each other tell each other what is up.

He said all the right/predictable things that I had expected and I felt like he was trying to defend himself, probably because I came off attacking. He apologized and let me know it wasn't personal and that he hoped we still would become great friends.

"Are you at peace about everything now?" He asked in the kindest tone.

No, I thought to myself as tears began to well up in my eyes.

"Yea..." I said hesitantly, " maybe..."

I couldn't figure out why I wasn't at peace about it. Was I expecting something? I just felt like something from the equation was missing and I didn't get the reply I was looking for.

We talked a few minutes longer and I did the positivity drill to convince myself all was for the best. I tried to express that I simply felt at loss for not being able to lead with him because I wanted to grow closer in our friendship. He asked again if I was at peace about it, and I felt I had talked myself into being at peace about it--even though I still felt like I didn't find what I was looking for---but it's hard to find something when you don't know what it is your looking for exactly.

"Yeah" I said confidently, "I'm at peace."

The conversation ended. It was hard, but I felt it was in no way a loss trying to communicate. I just hope the message went across clear.

I'm super excited about the whole workshop and I know it's going to be very good for both of us. I feel like there are a ton of challenges headed my way, but I am excited about moving toward those challenges confidently. I also want to talk more with the guy I'm going to be leading with just to touch base and start things off on a solid note.

I'm tired of being that "yes" girl that lets everything roll off my back. I'm excited to gain skill on addressing issues simply out of love and care for people and desire for healthy relationship, but I realize I still have some work to do. I just hope people will have the love and courage to confront and approach me as well. I really know people care about me when they are brave enough to talk and confront me on stuff--that is how I've made some of my best friends.

I'm not going to lie, talking with this guy was super tough---more difficult than I anticipated--but I'm so thankful that he is such a great loving guy that I feel comfortable enough to be able to share my feelings with him. I hope it wasn't too much to fast (or so to speak), and that he receives my call in a loving way.

I guess now only time will tell what the future behold. Or God, of course...but Abba seems to enjoy surprising me---which I'm learning be happy about. I am learning to expect the unexpected trusting that Papa God is looking out for me and protecting my heart =)

What a beautiful journey He's taking me on!

Ps----things in my family felt INCREDIBLY better today---it made my heart happy to know that my time is not being wasted--I laugh that I ever believed that lie!

Breaking down

I broke down tonight.

It was utterly unexpected.

I've been sick the past few days with a cold/cough/asthma issue and I absolutely despise being ill. I had made plans for girls to come over tonight weeks ago and I was determined to not let some lousy cold/crap thing to rain on my parade. So, I simply took every symptom reliever I knew to take and waited anxiously for the evening to arrive.

The ladies quickly trickled over to my house and before I knew it, I was a host to a houseful of happy hormones. These are all amazing women and there energy was delightful, but I was frustrated with my inability to keep up. My head was throbbing and I felt as if I couldn't breathe with the asthma tightening my throat in all the excitement.

After welcoming conversations and preparing popcorn we headed up stairs to watch a wellness conference. The whole time I couldn't keep my mind off of the difficulty I was having breathing. I lay, arms stretched out to open my lungs, and concentrated on breathing with my diaphragm.

Wheezing, wheezing, and more wheezing.

God why am I sick? I've been doing everything to be healthy---this doesn't make sense!

Listening to women speak of wellness you tend to realize how "unwell" you are. Especially when your sick.

After we listened, us women began to discuss some of our struggles with wellness. I began sharing how I was so frustrated I was sick when I've been doing everything  I know on the externals to be healthy.

I began to process my  feelings out loud, and before I could think twice, I was in tears because I was beginning to understand that I was sick not because of external factors, but because of internal ones.

I have been bottling my emotions because things in my family were starting to get icky again, and I didn't want to deal with it. I am disappointed because my relationship with my family is not where I want it to be, and it's frustrating because that is the main reason I came home in the first place-- I wanted to work on the relationships! Things were going well in the beginning, but now my parents are having issues again, I have little to no relationship with my brother, and my sister moved to Colorado so I can no longer see her on a regular basis. 

My family is again in a rut and I have no idea what to do about it. My initial reaction is to turn and run---but I feel like I need to hit some issues head on. I'm excited about this singles workshop because I know it's going to be so healthy for me, but I really want to see improvement in my relationship with my family. I see myself avoiding conflict instead of nipping it in the butt. I know this stuff that my family is dealing with is so trivial in the larger spectrum of life. We can absolute overcome this bump in the road. Unity is powerful, and I know that is 100% achievable.  I think I'm going to confront some issues head on tomorrow.

Lord, give me strength. I know that you are preparing me for greatness so help me to turn to you in moments of hardship. Lord, let me not be discouraged, but encourage because struggles mean growth and hardships only help me understand how great the good times are. Thank you for the process your walking me through Lord so that I may be a strong, hopeful, and powerful woman of God. Lord, thank you for your faithfulness and love---Show me how to love like You do.

Reflection

It's nice to have time to sit and simply think about my life. Time to reflect the past, enjoy the present, and ponder the future.

There are many dreams I have for my life, but they seem to be vague, unrelated, and in no particular direction.

I want my life to be a wild adventure full of creativity and excitement. It's amazing to think that I'm on the journey to becoming the person I want to be in this world. I am stepping into my destiny---one little step at a time.

My future depends on the decisions I make today. Who I am depends on who I chose to be.

For me, it's difficult to find an area to focus on. It seems as if there is so much I want to do, and  not enough time to do it. I feel as if I need to chose something and just go---just do it. I want to just go for it. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

The great realization is that there is no formula. I am free to be my own person and it doesn't have to look like anyone else that has come before me.

I am ready to be passionate. I am ready to fight for my dreams. To fight for my destiny.

My life is worth living. My life is precious. My life is meaningful. My life is an adventure.

And it's not because of what I do---it's simply because of who I am.

Surprise, surprise

Yesterday I was contacted by someone whom I used to despise.

I remember being ridiculed by this individual for various reasons---my faith being one of them.

He was a junior in high school when I was a freshman. He was popular upperclassman, and I was timid fresh meat.

He had a charming demeanor with his bright blues eyes and innocent smile. You could see in his eyes the depth that lay beneath, but it often was hidden by a boy who wanted to be accepted by his peers--and having depth was never socially acceptable for a youth of his stature. All the girls fell for his charm but I resisted it because to me, actions speak louder than words. I saw the way he would tease and belittle people and I wasn't about to let an attractive young man woo me from my morality.

"Hey I was thinking about you the other day" he wrote on facebook chat, "there was a chaplain who gave us a bible and my buddies and I were reading it...one of them became a christian..."

He is currently in the Marine Corps serving in Afganistan when he wrote this to me. I haven't talked to his guy in years.....the last thing I remember of him was that he yelled "QUITTER!" to me as I walked the hallways of high school after I quit the track team before I moved to Redding. I remember feeling humiliated. Not sure if I've talked to him since then.

I remember having a four hour discussion with him on a bus trip back from an away football game. He was basically trying to convince me that my beliefs were wrong and I was to determined to defend my beliefs. Lets just say the conversations didn't go well.

I had no idea what to say to this guy who used to intimidate me in high school and is now serving our country in Afghanistan. I was delighted that he thought of me because of the christian ordeal, it definitely made me chuckle--and there is no sense in holding a grudge against silly high school drama---so I engaged him in polite conversation.

His stories were mind boggling. I guess its true what they say---all is fair in love or war.

Stories of his life seem so unfair.

Tragedy, trauma, tribes, and tribulations.

He's definitely grown leaps and bounds since I last saw him.

I'm still in awe over the whole encounter. I feel incredibly proud of this guy who chose to step out of his comfort zone and put his life on the line for his country. I feel my heart going out to him in his heart ache and pain he's encountered. I empathize with him.

I choose to forgive instead of be bitter of the way he treated me in the past so I can embrace who he is now. I'm thankful that I get to see the change in him and be able to converse with him while he remains in the hardships of Afghanistan life.

He helps me remember how short life is and how much I have to be thankful for. He tells me of the frequent deaths he encounter and his immunity to the thought of dying. To know that life is precious and it's wonderful to live right now out loud---being all we were created to be.

Free to be.

Thank you Lord for your incredible provision, peace, joy, hope, faith, and love you've given to me. It's only by your grace that I am incredibly blessed. Please protect J******'s mind, body, and spirit as he serves in Afghanistan. Lord that you would comfort him and his friends---give them overwhelming peace, joy, faith, hope, and love. Thank you, Father, for you care and for this encounter.

Insanity or spontaneity ?

Yesterday I was invited to go to Mammoth-- and we're leaving tomorrow.

I love that I have the freedom to spontaneously go on a trip to Mammoth----however I have this question in my mind that keeps arising---It sounds a bit like my mom's voice.

Is it wise to go?

This question particularly is looking at my financial situation. I have no steady income. Trips cost money.

Do I have the money to go? Yes.

Do I want to keep draining my savings account? Not particularly.

I have been extraordinarily provided for financially throughout my life---and throughout my seasons of unemployment. God has ALWAYS provided the means for me---the job, the income, the provisions---whatever it may be---so questioning God's provision feels wrong. Finances is something that I never want to be consumed with because I know how it can completely control people----and thus they become slaves of what they want.

I can live happily with very little. Having abundance is something I thank God for every day---because He is a God of more than enough. I don't have to go on this trip--but I feel like it would be a good opportunity--and I know that God takes delight in me and that which I take delight in.

I just want to make sure I'm being a good steward of that which he has given me. Just because He has provided for me, doesn't mean that I have permission to go live frivolously. I want to live intentionally.

I want this trip to Mammoth to have purpose. I want this trip to be an investment into relationships. I want to find a way to bless the people I encounter on my trip just as God has blessed me. I want to sew what I've reaped----sounds backwards a bit---but if I've reaped juicy yummy fruit from many people that came before me---so I want to plant the seeds of that fruit so others can take pleasure in delicious fruit as well.

It's a process that I'm learning about--but I don't ever want to feel entitled to that which I've been given in the past. It is a gift---and I am forever thankful for my inheritance---I'm not talking specifically about finances here although it plays it role---but my inheritance of the life I've been given in general: the community established for me, the breakthrough of my ancestors, the culture of honor establish, ect---many of these things others laid the foundations for, and I got to live in the building they worked hard and sacrificed to build. I don't want to take it for granted---I want to steward the building and make it successful and purposeful. To bless people with it, and to help it prosper even more. Okay, so this is an odd metaphor, but I just dislike how many of the people in my generation, including me, take so much for granted because everything has been handed to us on a silver platter. It time we start stewarding that which we've been given.

So, going off on my tangent, I just want to make sure that me going on a trip isn't being frivolous and irresponsible. I honestly don't even know what is going to happen on this trip, but I feel the grace to go. So it's an adventure where I can be intentional in investing in others. I am excited to see how God uses me this week! Here I come Mammy!

Faith vs. disbelief

Browsing my blog, I find it fascinating how much I've changed in such a short period of time. Even my perspectives on recent challenges are changing.

The heart-ache seems so distant---and the peace in my soul is so evident.

I had a conversation with an Agnostic friend the other day where I found myself content with the conversation. I used to be frustrated in conversations about religion  because they always seem so circular---but this conversation was different.

Having been on both ends of the spectrum--- Christian and Agnostic (I was border-line Atheist for a period of time)--- and having studied and researched religions and lack there of---this is what I've found:

I cannot prove God exists. Philosophers hate this---but I can not even logically deduct that God is real. Studying history--I am extremely irritated by the christian church for it's instances of corruption.

However, if I could logically prove God exists, there would be no such thing as faith. Studying history, I can also find negative stories about highly significant world changers--like Abraham Lincoln or John F. Kennedy--but it doesn't change what they did/who they are.

You can debate logic and philosophy forever if you'd like---but there is more to intelligence than academia--there is also something called emotional intelligence. The Ancient Greeks even realized that we need to have a balance in our mind, body, and spirit. Not just our mind people!

So hear me out...

What I noticed most about being on both ends of the spectrum was my emotional state---which I believe was reflecting my spirit.

When I was in disbelief of God, when I thought believing in God was causing me to be "close minded"--- My soul was in constant torment. I was smoking weed, drinking til I blacked out, hooking up with guys, shutting myself off emotionally, taking amphetamines---subconsciously trying everything and anything to escape the torment I was in.

It wasn't until I felt that I was broken beyond repair--that I began to cry out to a God that I had long ago given up on.

One day, when I was incredibly sick with nausea and fever (I was often sick during that period of time in my life), I told God I would quit drinking and smoking if He would make me well.

BAM. Literally in that instant---I was 100% better.

The period of time in my life when I believe wholeheartedly in God---There is an unexplainable peace in my soul. I once again see purpose in my life. I once again feel passionate and complete.

Obviously there as still trials and tribulations---but the inner peace I feel helps me to face the challenges with excitement and determination.

Maybe someday I will discover that I was wrong to believe in God, but I will not sabotage the peace I have that surpasses all understanding when I trust in Him. I never want to go back to the torment I was in. 

I chose to live by faith, even if it means looking beyond reason.