New Year is risky business

The New Year is a great time to reflect the direction of your life and re-calibrate where needed. At the end of this year, I find that I have most certainly grown and that my life has taken turns I never would have expected. Overall, I am satisfied. Even though my marriage thus far has been "rough" to say the least, I ask myself---given all the same circumstances---would I do it again? And the answer I determined is "yes".

Love is a risk. There is no certainty when you combine your life with another. That individual person is powerful and can choose to leave at any time. They can choose to be a completely different person and they are free to make whatever choices they would like. When you get married you assume that the person you are entrusting your heart to will take the utter most care of it. They will protect you, provide for you, and love  you with all that is within them---well that is what most of us women hope for anyway. Are those hopes false or foolish? I don't think in the least---but you have to know that there is a risk.

There is a risk that the person you know and love will change---and maybe into someone you don't really care for. There is a risk that the person will stop loving you---or have  a change of heart. There is a risk that the person will hurt you and not look out for your best interest. The list of risks goes on.

But I do believe that you  must take this risk. You haven't lived until you have given yourself to vulnerability simply for the chance of intimacy. Few actually have the deep level of intimacy that we all crave, but those who find it I am sure will tell you that it is all worth it.

Marriage does not alleviate your feelings of being alone, nor does it solve all your personal problems that already exist. In fact, it brings everything to the surface. I hope you can tolerate the worst parts of you, because everything will be exposed in marriage---everything.

My advice for those still single, is to clean up your act. Clean up the ugly areas in your life that you have stuffed away and hidden for no-one to see. Those parts of you that you don't like about yourself. Learn how to love yourself before you try and get married. If you can't love yourself, how can you be able to receive love from anyone? You will love your neighbor, and your spouse, the same as you love yourself---so if you are constantly criticizing and comparing yourself---you will also do this to your partner. So be the best you, and attract the best them. But even if you do this,there is still no guarantee that you will find love. If there was, it wouldn't be a risk.

Postmark Dec 2011

It one of those nights again. It's been awhile since I've been alone late at night with nothing pressing on my mind. It's a bitter sweet feeling. My days seem to be accelerating at exponential speeds--it's true what they say time flys when your having fun. Life is a blast--I just sometimes wish I could press pause and smell the roses more often. I'm learning to take joy in the smallest of smalls to the largest of large things:) I have a tendency to glance into my future and be overwhelmed by what needs to be accomplished to get where I want to go. Futuristic is one of my strengths, but I believe it is also one of my weaknesses. Sometimes I get to caught up in thinking about the future that I am living in fast forward and not enjoying the journey. You can't skip the process--it's what prepares you for the future

I'm back and kicking

So it been awhile. Due to Google taking over blogspot I lost access to my blog about a year ago. Today, determined to start writing again, I mustered up the courage to regain control. After a series of loops---I found my way back in. Success!
The strange part is the last year of my life was the one most worth documenting. That was the year I moved to a new town and fell in love with the man that is now my husband. The process of falling in love---the spiritual journey and the inner personal thought of our coming-together has no record in my blog. Part of me was so consumed with the joys of life that I try to remind myself I wouldn't have blogged anyway---but I can't help but feel some disappointment in not capturing the joy of those times. I need to find joy in order to "re-joice".

I can't help but notice that tragedy and morning lead me to write. Hearing about the CT shooting today has absolutely spun my head in circles. It appears that we never really realize the value of life until it is stolen away.  Who dares take the lives of innocent children? Future athletes, musicians, doctors, lovers, scholar--they had their whole lives ahead of them and now the world will never be able to experience the greatness inside of them. No, they have been cut off, ripped off, and cheated--and their cries are echoed in the hearts of people across this nation. The tragedy that has taken place cannot even be fully realized. There is no atonement or justice for this horrendous crime. You can never give these youth back their priceless lives. It's just wrong--plain and simple. I used to excuse criminal behavior on the premise that they themselves must have been cheated and neglected as a child. I don't care what the mom of the shooter did to provoke her son to anger--she did not deserve to been shot along with her kindergarten class of students. This 24 year old man has no right to steal these lives. How dare he destroy the beautiful lives God has made? What could have possibly motivated him to do such a horrific crime? My heart goes out to all those family's and friends of those who were lost today. There is nothing that can be said or done to make this situation right.

It's days like today that we need to take a moment to realize the value of life--the life we live and the lives that are around us. Life is unpredictable and we must seize every day that we have with the ones we love. One day we all will be gone, and what will be left behind? Instead of saying all of your good-byes--let your loved ones know you realize their value.

And thats a wrap...

The year is coming to an end from the day I started this blog. It truly is a whirlwind looking at the leaps and bounds I've grown in just a years time. I don't know if it's possible to be any more satisfied with life.

My dreams are becoming a reality. Each day I am living out the desires of my heart. I am thriving and excited about life even through the monotonous tasks daily life requires.

God is faithful and He redeems. He gives us more than we can even ask or imagine. The wild bulk of things I had and was pouring my life into--college, good grades, random people, my position as president of snowboard team, my job as a fitness attendant-- was pruned this time last year. Not that those things were bad....but for me and where my heart was, they were unsatisfying and life draining. I thought I needed to pour out in every direction in order to have value. I got my self-worth from what I did rather than from who I am.

So, I was incredulously humbled when I went from having all those "oh so amazing" things to being an unemployed college drop out that lived with my parents. Oh the glory! I had to learn to be okay with who I was regardless of what I did or didn't do.

However, that humbling process was so essential for what God had in mind for me! (better than I could think or imagine!)

So, here I am, a year later and well....brace yourself...

I have a dream job as a personal assistant for a professional athlete. I live in a community that is passionate about God and full of life, love, and encouragement. I live in a ski resort town where I am going to shred every day I can. I have a good relationship with my family. I am dating a stud who knows how to pursue and treat a woman with love and respect. I am living out supernatural health in my mind, body, spirit, relationships, emotions, etc. I am excited about every day life!

Do any of these "things" define who I am---NO WAY! I am amazing with or without them (and I mean that in the most humble way possible). Is God faithful and does He give us the desires of our heart when we choose to trust His lead?---YES! Now I have "things" to pour my heart into that not only bring me life, but also bring life to those around me.

Hear the testimony in this----THIS IS REVIVAL!

Revive: to regain life, consciousness, or strength.

I have been revived and I seek to bring life to those around me. So as funny as this sounds--- yes, I am a revivalist.

I am so thankful for all that the Lord has done in my life and to Him be the glory. Everything that I have is simply a gift from Him and it is better than anything I could have tried to achieve on my own. I so thankful that I serve a good God who loves His kids beyond words. Thanks God for all that you do and all that you are. Teach me how to love like You do. I never want to stop pursuing You.

It's about that time to process again.

As you can gather from my previous blogs, there has been a lot of excitement and acceleration happening in many areas of my life. There is one additional area that I have purposefully evaded, but I've come to a point where I need to clarify my thoughts.

Along with the rad job, new home, community, and adventures....there is this guy...and he's kind of a big deal.

We met in the beautiful town of Mammoth lakes and have been "talking" since May. He's no ordinary hum-bug, but actually someone who I am quite delighted in getting to know.

He has an incredible heart for people and we share many core values. We have a lot of similar passions, a ton of mutual friends, and did I mention he's ridiculously good looking?

Also he is a GREAT COMMUNICATOR which is crazy rad because communication is so important to me. He has been incredible at pursuing me as a friend that he wants to get to know better and being super clear with his intentions. I feel ridiculously honored, respected, and valued by him.

However, there is a lot of transition happening in my life and I am not sure what to think of everything right now. It's exciting because there is a lot of potential and I really want to make sure I enjoy the process of getting to know someone and avoid over-analyzing. It's just tough because I don't have a lot of "relationship experience" and having someone that I am becoming increasingly hyper aware of is just a fascinating process. It's always a little risky and scary taking steps of vulnerability--but that is what is required to grow in love. I'm really stoked overall though and in the least hope to gain a great friend.

God, my heart is yours.

Ready, set, GO!

I feel strong, confident, equipped, and prepared. I feel as if the Lord has been strengthening me in multiple areas of my life, and although at times I've felt all but broken, I feel as if he is building me back up. My foundation has been solidified so that I can accommodate growth and expansion.  I feel as if my heart knows I ready more than my head. I find myself surprised at how "grown-up" I am now. It's weird, I honestly do feel different now that I am 21. I feel as if I'm stepping into something greater--a greater privilege and responsibility. Its amazing to see how much I've grown when I look back and realize I am no longer an insecure high schooler trying to be cool and "accepted". Knowing your identity gives you solidity, confidence, hope, excitement.

I feel as if this past year has been a crash Kingdom course. It's been quite a journey following the Spirit and going through times of wrestling with God. I think I have a new understanding of Him that I never had before. He has taken me to deeper levels of intimacy and it's incredible to look back and see the growth. I feel as if there is a deeper level of trust between God and I. Trust is built from truth exchanged. I have been honest and vulnerable with God--yes, he already knows everything about me, but being able to no longer try and hide things from Him allows Him to enter in. In exchange I feel as if He has revealed more of His nature to me--thus truth has been exchanged and mutual trust is built.Yes, He trusts me and my heart and I no longer have to question if following my heart is the "right" thing to do--He's given me permission to chase after my heart's desires. It's truly an oddity to feel connected to the Creator the Universe, but that is the essence of His nature--He made us relational. 

It's kind of exciting because I feel a freedom to be myself and stop trying to fix everything wrong with me--It's a time to embrace the fullness of who He is and who He has made me to be. I don't want to be caught up in the details--they will come--I will grow--I will be sharpened--I am teachable---but it's OKAY to make mistakes! haha. Knowing that it is okay to mess up, gives me the freedom to step out and RISK. That is what I love about adventure...there is always risk involved.

I really want to step into this new season and live vulnerably so that I can love well. I don't want to let fear keep me from the fullness. I am excited to see where Holy Spirit takes me in this next season. I love putting my Trust in Him...He is ALWAYS faithful.

So I hear I am Papa, let me be a vessel of your faithfulness and love. Thanks for being such a great Dad!! I'm ready to chase after Your heart!

The gift of LISTENING

Listening is such a gift to those whom you are listening to. Lately I have noticed multiple people around me who are genuinely listening to what I am saying---and not just active listening---but empathic listening. It's incredible how understood I feel when people are genuinely listening with intent. It's almost surprising when you realize someone is truly listening when you are used to people who are "multi-task" listeners--it definitely caught me off guard.

I want to be a better listener. Recently I noticed that listening is not one of my greatest strengths(to say the least), and it's somewhat irritating. It's beyond listening---it's remembering that I truly struggle with.

An extraordinary amount of information has been squished into my brain over the years and it sometimes feels as if my capacity to retain more information is maxed out. Obviously this is far from the truth, but I have conditioned my brain to cram and barf....so this vicious cycle needs to stop.

I feel like it's in line with attaining over-all health too. A bulimic brain just can't be good for you.

Thus, I am going to practice genuinely listening this week and try to be intentional about listening and REMEMBERING! It such a gift when others listen and remember what I have to say, so I hope I can also give that gift to those around me.