Ready, set, GO!

I feel strong, confident, equipped, and prepared. I feel as if the Lord has been strengthening me in multiple areas of my life, and although at times I've felt all but broken, I feel as if he is building me back up. My foundation has been solidified so that I can accommodate growth and expansion.  I feel as if my heart knows I ready more than my head. I find myself surprised at how "grown-up" I am now. It's weird, I honestly do feel different now that I am 21. I feel as if I'm stepping into something greater--a greater privilege and responsibility. Its amazing to see how much I've grown when I look back and realize I am no longer an insecure high schooler trying to be cool and "accepted". Knowing your identity gives you solidity, confidence, hope, excitement.

I feel as if this past year has been a crash Kingdom course. It's been quite a journey following the Spirit and going through times of wrestling with God. I think I have a new understanding of Him that I never had before. He has taken me to deeper levels of intimacy and it's incredible to look back and see the growth. I feel as if there is a deeper level of trust between God and I. Trust is built from truth exchanged. I have been honest and vulnerable with God--yes, he already knows everything about me, but being able to no longer try and hide things from Him allows Him to enter in. In exchange I feel as if He has revealed more of His nature to me--thus truth has been exchanged and mutual trust is built.Yes, He trusts me and my heart and I no longer have to question if following my heart is the "right" thing to do--He's given me permission to chase after my heart's desires. It's truly an oddity to feel connected to the Creator the Universe, but that is the essence of His nature--He made us relational. 

It's kind of exciting because I feel a freedom to be myself and stop trying to fix everything wrong with me--It's a time to embrace the fullness of who He is and who He has made me to be. I don't want to be caught up in the details--they will come--I will grow--I will be sharpened--I am teachable---but it's OKAY to make mistakes! haha. Knowing that it is okay to mess up, gives me the freedom to step out and RISK. That is what I love about adventure...there is always risk involved.

I really want to step into this new season and live vulnerably so that I can love well. I don't want to let fear keep me from the fullness. I am excited to see where Holy Spirit takes me in this next season. I love putting my Trust in Him...He is ALWAYS faithful.

So I hear I am Papa, let me be a vessel of your faithfulness and love. Thanks for being such a great Dad!! I'm ready to chase after Your heart!

The gift of LISTENING

Listening is such a gift to those whom you are listening to. Lately I have noticed multiple people around me who are genuinely listening to what I am saying---and not just active listening---but empathic listening. It's incredible how understood I feel when people are genuinely listening with intent. It's almost surprising when you realize someone is truly listening when you are used to people who are "multi-task" listeners--it definitely caught me off guard.

I want to be a better listener. Recently I noticed that listening is not one of my greatest strengths(to say the least), and it's somewhat irritating. It's beyond listening---it's remembering that I truly struggle with.

An extraordinary amount of information has been squished into my brain over the years and it sometimes feels as if my capacity to retain more information is maxed out. Obviously this is far from the truth, but I have conditioned my brain to cram and barf....so this vicious cycle needs to stop.

I feel like it's in line with attaining over-all health too. A bulimic brain just can't be good for you.

Thus, I am going to practice genuinely listening this week and try to be intentional about listening and REMEMBERING! It such a gift when others listen and remember what I have to say, so I hope I can also give that gift to those around me.

Anticipation

Here I am. I can feel transition peeking over the edge waiting to fall full force into my lap.

It is an exciting, yet excruciating time. Anxiety is an enemy of mine.

I know it's going to be an incredible adventure, but my heart is hesitant. It's so accustom to hiding inside the barrier I've built that it is unsure how to respond to the rays of light shine through the cracks. Yes, the barrier is slowly being broken down, and my heart is craving to leap in the sunlight, but its always been told to wait a little longer...and waiting still it must.

Stepping into dreams is a wild reality.  There is still so much I don't understand and that I don't have resolved but I'm learning to let go and let God. I know He's leading me every step of the way and my heart delights in the journey. Listening to my heart I can tell that it is in the right place and it is going in the right direction.

Part of me still feels unprepared for what awaits. I know that God will give me the grace for what He has called me to, but it can be overwhelming looking at tomorrow's challenge with only today's grace.

The acceleration is exhilarating but definitely uncomfortable! Here I am zooming full speed ahead and I hardly have time to catch my breath! I know this is right, so there is no reason to stop--but there is definitely a momentum that is carrying me and everything in me hopes that what I've learned has properly prepared me for what I am stepping into---because I don't want to sink! haha.

I know I'm ready. I know I'm ready. This is what I've been dreaming of---and here I am taking my first steps towards my dreams!


Thanks Jesus that your grace is enough! You are sooooo faithful!

Child-like heart

It's about that time to jot a thought or two.

Today I was awed by the kiddos at the camp I work at. The have such an incredible capacity to love so purely and wholeheartedly. There is so much to learn from listening to and observing children. Their innocence and pleasure in daily life is so breath-taking.

A common theme I've seen among multiple children is their desire to give what they've made to others around them. They LOVE displaying their work and giving the teacher drawings, bracelets, and anything that they created in art. They delight in making the teacher happy by freely giving what they worked so hard to create--and it blessed the teacher's socks off!

I want to have that pure heart that loves to please my Father. I absolutely delighted in the kiddo's creations---and I can only imagine how much our heavenly Father delights in the things we put our hands to. I want to be able to give freely to those around me and get enjoyment simply from giving.

Thank you Papa for a marvelous day at camp and all the beautiful hearts that exist there-in. Give me a child-like heart to love so purely and wholeheartedly.

Processing

Writing is definitely a means for me to process my thoughts.

There has been a lot of excitement and promotion happening in my life these past few weeks. It's crazy how things seemed to be moving so slow just a few months ago, and then all of the sudden I'm running full speed ahead!

I'm battling nerves for all the possibilities. I literally don't have a clue how everything is going to work out, which is such an uncomfortable place for me to be in, but it forces me to put my trust in God because He is the one that got me this far, I know He's not going to abandon me.

I love planning and being prepared for the future, but sometimes it's important to let go and let God.

I'm learning a ton. I really am praying that God will give me the grace to be me in full capacity. I have a tendency to at times be fearful of being myself or being vulnerable. Typically because I am afraid of being rejected. It's that thought of "if people really knew me....the deepest parts that no one sees...if they only knew...would they still love me?" Yet, it's a tension because one of my greatest desire in my relationships is to be fully known--because that is the only way to be fully loved---which i believe is what every person truly desires.

So a huge part of overcoming this "fear" of rejection, is being able to see myself how He see's me. To know that I am fully loved and fully accepted just as I am. Without having to perform or be something extraordinary---just being plain old Elise---and knowing that he loves me just the same. He's been showing me this a ton over the past few months, it's just really believing it---and truly receiving it. Also, not living by the approval and "praises" of humanity---because than I'll be at the mercy of their criticism. Just owning my identity....knowing that He is the only one that defines me. This is such simple basic stuff---but at the same time it's so profound....and it will never be irrelevant.

So to end this blog.....I am processing. I am super stoked on life and I know God is doing a ton of rad stuff. It craazy to look back at myself last year and see how far I've come. Most of my growth and "achievements" so-to-speak have been internal and in the secret place this last year. I feel like the trimming that God did in my life was SOOOO essential for the season I'm stepping into. As dorky and maybe arrogant as this sounds, I am so proud of the decisions I've made this last year and my desire to seek after God's heart and choosing to trust in Him. Its funny how when your going the right direction your spirit just knows it and leaps with joy every step of the way. Trusting my own heart has been so essential in my journey. He gave me this heart and so learning to listen to it has been so wise. 

If I had one word of advice to give to the next generation it would be:

Learn to know your heart and never violate it---always listen to it.

"Above all else, Guard your heart...for from it flow the well springs of life..."

Your heart is connected with your spirit. It knows more than your mind can comprehend.

Yearning

My heart is longing this evening.

Yearning for intimacy, for companionship.

It is not as though I am alone, I am surrounded by loving friends and family. My heart is full of love and joy---but there is still a longing for more.

Some might say that I just need more of God, and of course that is always true, He is all I really need, but in this particular circumstance, I felt as if this longing is healthy, it is real.

God is the one who gave this desire for intimacy to me. He gave me a heart that seeks after connection and depth. He is a God of covenant relationship.

It's easy in these moments to seek an outlet for this longing, or "aching" so-to-speak, instead of embracing the truth in what it is I am feeling, and recognizing that it is okay...and even good.

What I am feeling is indeed chastening in multiple areas of my life and it is, for lack of a better word, painful. However, I know that this "chastening" is strengthening me. It is teaching me self-discipline and helping me grow in purity and power. It's healthy to not indulge in everything you like but actually moderate what is sustaining you and being sure to get your nutrients. It might mean not eating that delicious ice cream cone because it will spoil your appetite for the dinner that will actually sustain, nourish, ans satisfy you---instead of making you crave more sugar and junk food that will just make you feel sick and eventually make you fat....lol.

Okay, so if you haven't caught on to my metaphor yet, I'll just be open, honest and vulnerable. Before I left for Costa, I had an interesting relationship with a guy friend of mine. We had talked about dating, but logically that didn't seem to be appropriate for where we were both at even though there was attraction there. We ended up just making out a few times before I left, and we totally played it off chill and didn't talk about it. I thought I could handle a "no strings attached" relationship.

Well, of course while in the beautiful land of Costa Rica, not only did I experience God's love like never before, but I also was convicted of my physical relationship with this guy. I realized I wasn't looking out for either of our well-being and I was separating my emotions from the physical elements in a relationship--- which is totally not something I want to mess up for future relationships.

So when I got back I talked to my friend and expressed in the most loving way I knew that it was better for both of us to refrain from hanging out for a while--at least until we can hang out without lusting one another.

Thus the chastening began....and has continued....which has been really good, but totally not always easy or fun. And it's not only in that area, but in other areas of my life as well...so I guess it's just more pruning...which eventually means more blooming.

All this to say, I know God is doing a great work in me amidst the "agony". I embrace this time of difficulty knowing that it means sustainability for the future. And I continue to put my trust in Him who makes all things work together for my good(:

A thankful heart prepares the way

Re-reading my blog is often difficult because I am so critical of my own writing and developing thoughts. I feel like my thoughts are so simple and my words so plain.

But, as I started criticizing my previous blogs, I began to wonder what He thinks of my thoughts, and then I smiled.

I believe He delights in me and in my thoughts. No matter how simple or foolish they may be at times. He is so proud of me, so delighted in how far I've come, and so excited in what is still in store.

He thinks I am beautiful even in my imperfections. Even in my brokenness He looks at me and smiles saying, "look at my beautiful creation...it is good...."

Thank you God that you make all things work together for my good. Thank you that you are a good God. Thank you for loving me first that I might be able to love you in return. Thank you that you are more faithful than the sun rising and setting. Thank you that your mercies are new every morning.

Thank you for creating my family, friends, and I. Thank you for sending your son to die for us so that we might have life and have it abundantly. Thank you God for work, for jobs, and better jobs, for opportunities, for diligence. Thank you God for discipline, for joy, for love, for peace, and for grace. Thank you that you are a God of more than enough, that you are an extravagant lover, a faithful dad, a loyal friend, and an awesome King.

Thank you for health and wellness, God. Thank you for healthy tension and struggles that help us to grow. Thank you that you are there when we need you. Thanks that you care even about the small things. Thanks for your goodness and your overwhelming love.

You are so good God, I could never thank you enough for all that you have done for me. Help me to grow even closer to you God.