Late night poemish thoughts

The memory of times past

Within lies shadows cast

Of bridges burned 

And lessons learned

Leaving a heart that aches

As snow soon melts away

The ashes slowly decay

But scars remain

As does the pain

Then rivers flow to lakes

For nothing will ever be the same

But there is no one left to blame

You made a choice

You used your voice

One yes and everything changed

For one yes, is a billion no's.

A billion open doors close 

No more chase

No more race

One path becomes arranged

Within lies the question 

The power of suggestion

What is the absolute "truth"

And where can I find the "proof"

Is life an obligation

Or a simple calculation 

Maybe a concept never conceived

Or a power never believed

For love is a strange word

A beautiful song rarely heard

An idea that draws attention

But is stuck with suspension

When will we find the depth we crave

Light at the end of the tunnel

I'm coming back to life. I feel it on the inside. My spirit is stirring and my heart is longing to leap again. The past 9 months I've felt half-dead. My heart felt crushed and my hope was deferred.

My heart is the strongest pull in my life. Out the heart flow the issues of life. When my heart is crushed, my mind wanders and the thought of concentrating feels unattainable.

My heart is finally starting to heal. The wounds are being mended and my hope in a joyful future is restored. I   love new beginnings. I love a fresh start.

The winds of change are in the air and with is comes a fresh scent, a new vision, a glimpse of hope for what is to come. I breathe deep with joyful expectation. Yes, the light at the end of the tunnel is near.

Pain, Fear, and Love

Pain is but apart of the game, and to fear it would be a shame. Its nothing to fret as it temporary--and it reminds you that you gave your heart---one of the most beautiful gifts the world could ever receive.

Living in fear of pain means never loving--never becoming vulnerable--never allowing anyone to hurt you aka never allowing anyone to love you. Vulnerability is a beautiful necessity to intimacy (into-me-you-see). Unfortunately too often is this defenseless, naked place exploited. Thus, the fear deeming rational.

But fear will always take more than you are willing to give. It's deceiving with it's false sense of security. It makes you believe if you avoid opening up your heart, it will never hurt. The opposite is true. Not opening your heart to love will be the most painful experience of your life. You will lose without ever loving or being loved. You will sabotage what you want most because you are afraid of losing it. Fear of pain is undoubtedly  the greatest cause of pain. In fact, whatever you most fear, you empower to preserver. Don't partner with fear--partner with love.

Love casts out fear. Love covers a multitude of sin. Love is worth the risk. Love doesn't hurt--it doesn't cause pain.

Rejection hurts, deception hurts, betrayal hurts, but love does not cause pain; love is where joy abounds.

Revival

I am not living in it. I am not living in the fullness that I crave. I need revival---I need to come back to life. I feel dead---I feel empty---I feel broken.

It's amazing how you can spend a season in your life seeking out God and feel as if you have gained everything you need only to step into the next season and fall flat on your face. The more you find Him, the more you need Him.

"You can't control your circumstances, but you can control your stance."---not sure who deserves credit for this statement, but it's something I have heard often. I can only imagine how Job felt when everything that he loved was stripped away from him yet he still turned to God. When circumstances go wrong, I get angry with God----how could He let this happen? How could He turn His back?

Trust me. 

That still small voice again. I know you are good, God, and that you are faithful even to the unfaithful. But I am fearful. I am weak.

I am Perfect Love and I am Strong. I will hold you. 

What about forgiveness God, how can I forgive those who have hurt me the most? Those who have wounded me again and again----how can I forgive them?

Just as I have forgiven you. 

God, you sent your Son to die---he had to pay a steep price. Will I have to pay such a high price for someone else's wrong?

Love includes long suffering, and I will hold you every step of the way. 

I have given my word to love this man---and love this man I will.

New Year is risky business

The New Year is a great time to reflect the direction of your life and re-calibrate where needed. At the end of this year, I find that I have most certainly grown and that my life has taken turns I never would have expected. Overall, I am satisfied. Even though my marriage thus far has been "rough" to say the least, I ask myself---given all the same circumstances---would I do it again? And the answer I determined is "yes".

Love is a risk. There is no certainty when you combine your life with another. That individual person is powerful and can choose to leave at any time. They can choose to be a completely different person and they are free to make whatever choices they would like. When you get married you assume that the person you are entrusting your heart to will take the utter most care of it. They will protect you, provide for you, and love  you with all that is within them---well that is what most of us women hope for anyway. Are those hopes false or foolish? I don't think in the least---but you have to know that there is a risk.

There is a risk that the person you know and love will change---and maybe into someone you don't really care for. There is a risk that the person will stop loving you---or have  a change of heart. There is a risk that the person will hurt you and not look out for your best interest. The list of risks goes on.

But I do believe that you  must take this risk. You haven't lived until you have given yourself to vulnerability simply for the chance of intimacy. Few actually have the deep level of intimacy that we all crave, but those who find it I am sure will tell you that it is all worth it.

Marriage does not alleviate your feelings of being alone, nor does it solve all your personal problems that already exist. In fact, it brings everything to the surface. I hope you can tolerate the worst parts of you, because everything will be exposed in marriage---everything.

My advice for those still single, is to clean up your act. Clean up the ugly areas in your life that you have stuffed away and hidden for no-one to see. Those parts of you that you don't like about yourself. Learn how to love yourself before you try and get married. If you can't love yourself, how can you be able to receive love from anyone? You will love your neighbor, and your spouse, the same as you love yourself---so if you are constantly criticizing and comparing yourself---you will also do this to your partner. So be the best you, and attract the best them. But even if you do this,there is still no guarantee that you will find love. If there was, it wouldn't be a risk.

Postmark Dec 2011

It one of those nights again. It's been awhile since I've been alone late at night with nothing pressing on my mind. It's a bitter sweet feeling. My days seem to be accelerating at exponential speeds--it's true what they say time flys when your having fun. Life is a blast--I just sometimes wish I could press pause and smell the roses more often. I'm learning to take joy in the smallest of smalls to the largest of large things:) I have a tendency to glance into my future and be overwhelmed by what needs to be accomplished to get where I want to go. Futuristic is one of my strengths, but I believe it is also one of my weaknesses. Sometimes I get to caught up in thinking about the future that I am living in fast forward and not enjoying the journey. You can't skip the process--it's what prepares you for the future

I'm back and kicking

So it been awhile. Due to Google taking over blogspot I lost access to my blog about a year ago. Today, determined to start writing again, I mustered up the courage to regain control. After a series of loops---I found my way back in. Success!
The strange part is the last year of my life was the one most worth documenting. That was the year I moved to a new town and fell in love with the man that is now my husband. The process of falling in love---the spiritual journey and the inner personal thought of our coming-together has no record in my blog. Part of me was so consumed with the joys of life that I try to remind myself I wouldn't have blogged anyway---but I can't help but feel some disappointment in not capturing the joy of those times. I need to find joy in order to "re-joice".

I can't help but notice that tragedy and morning lead me to write. Hearing about the CT shooting today has absolutely spun my head in circles. It appears that we never really realize the value of life until it is stolen away.  Who dares take the lives of innocent children? Future athletes, musicians, doctors, lovers, scholar--they had their whole lives ahead of them and now the world will never be able to experience the greatness inside of them. No, they have been cut off, ripped off, and cheated--and their cries are echoed in the hearts of people across this nation. The tragedy that has taken place cannot even be fully realized. There is no atonement or justice for this horrendous crime. You can never give these youth back their priceless lives. It's just wrong--plain and simple. I used to excuse criminal behavior on the premise that they themselves must have been cheated and neglected as a child. I don't care what the mom of the shooter did to provoke her son to anger--she did not deserve to been shot along with her kindergarten class of students. This 24 year old man has no right to steal these lives. How dare he destroy the beautiful lives God has made? What could have possibly motivated him to do such a horrific crime? My heart goes out to all those family's and friends of those who were lost today. There is nothing that can be said or done to make this situation right.

It's days like today that we need to take a moment to realize the value of life--the life we live and the lives that are around us. Life is unpredictable and we must seize every day that we have with the ones we love. One day we all will be gone, and what will be left behind? Instead of saying all of your good-byes--let your loved ones know you realize their value.