Imperfection

Something is not lining up.

Forcing things to makes sense doesn't make them make sense, it only makes them complicated.

Sometimes you just have to let things be and be free.

I am who I am. I'm not going to be who you want me to be. I'm not going to pretend I have everything perfect. If you can't acceptt my flaws, then you don't get to enjoy my perfections. If you can't accept me at my worse, then you can't have me at my best.

God is my foundation, the one in whom I trust. Am I super spiritual about it all the time?---no. Is He the one I look to everyday?---yes.

Churchianity, as I like to call it, can be quite annoying at times. It's not always realistic at times, it's not always practical either.

Like, it's totally Kingdom to have God be apart of our everyday life---that is without question, but that doesn't mean that we have to be elsewhere all the time. By that I mean....it's okay to be down to earth.

I'm just super irritated by performance. I'm also irritated by over-spiritualization.

Maybe I'm irritated by those two things, because they are the two things I struggle with the  most right now. I'm just trying to now be really real, and really honest.

I'm not going to look pretty all the time and deceive you into thinking I'm perfect. Anyone can look like they have it all together, but let's be real for a second....how many of us actually do?

It's not about having it all together, so let's stop pretending. Let's live, let's believe, let's thrive, let's belong.

It's okay where ever we are at. It's all going to be fine. Let's not worry about tomorrow when we only have the grace for today. We'll make it.

I don't care if people listen now or later, they will hear the truth and know.

My heart cries out for the hungry. It laments for the lost. It weeps for the broken. It mourns for the thirsty.

Time is drawing near. We are coming to the edge. Decisions need to be made. Our destiny awaits.

Boom

I feel like I'm almost there.

I'm so close---it could be any day now.

Any day.

I'm feeling free now. I feel free to be me.

I'm not afraid anymore, in fact, I'm bold.

I'm powerful. I'm valuable.

No longer do I need approval of others. If I don't live by the praises of man, I won't die by the criticisms either.

I'm seriously just stoked on life right now.

It's funny how the pendulum swings...I'm still patiently awaiting what is next....but I'm freaking going to Costa Rica which will be rad in epic proportions.

Thanks papa for taking such great care of your kiddo!

Ashamed

Why am I feeling this pain?

I'm so thankful for my life.

I'm so thankful for the people in my life.

I love people. People motivate me. People Inspire me. People move me.

I have an eclectic group of friends. It's really hard to combine them at times.

It's interesting when you get together with people you were close with for a period of time in your life...and now you've all completely changed....so what does "hanging out" look like now?

It's so easy to go back to the way things used to be, but I am a new me. I have integrity.

I could sit here and look and the things I've done wrong in my life. I can criticize myself and look at all the areas in which I fall short in my relationships and personal growth. But I'm sick of that. I'm sick at focusing on my short-comings.

I am doing the best I can. Yeah, there is always room for improvement. I really wish my friends would confront me on areas I need to improve, because I know I am my own worst critic. I need outside perspective. Words of affirmation are always nice.

It's exhausting trying to be perfect. I feel like I'm trying to do that again--and I don't want to. It's my fall-back approach to life.

I feel like I need a confidence booster. I realize I'm seeking out approval from people again, and it sucks. Why can't I just realize I'm awesome and live it out? Like I know I am, but it's super nice to hear it. lol.

Insecurity sucks. I thought I was over this. I thought I knew who I was. Lord, why do we so easily forget? Why am I so easily discouraged?

I'm spreading myself too thin again. Trying to do everything for everyone and I end up doing nothing for anyone.

I really just have this desire to be excellent at what is good and innocent of evil.

I want to love people like they've never been loved before.

I want to be all that God has created me to be and open the door for others to do the same.

I don't want to be insecure. Being with my old high school friends brought up a lot of feelings from the past---ugh! It bothers me. I just want to be me and not confined to their pre-conceived ideas of who I am. 

God, help me as I walk through this season of my life. Direct my path, and help me to draw closer to you. I can't take this back and forth crap---I need my theology and reality to collide. I need my heart and mind to cooperate. Lord, you've fashioned me in a way that is completely different than any other person on this planet. I'm so thankful for my individual calling in life. Lord, help me to walk in confidence and compassion, love and peace, hope and health.

Father, heal my heart. Take away my pain. Forgive my wrongs. Direct my path.

Thanks Dad that I am still qualified.

Love

My friend told me something somewhat profound to me tonight that rang a few bells in my head.

Love isn't always being nice. Love is kind---but it isn't always nice.

Boom. I don't have to always be the nice girl. I don't have to get run over. I am powerful and free.

Sometimes love hurts. Sometimes love is honest. Sometimes love is tough.

But Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. It's patient and kind, yes. But it holds POWER.

Love never fails.

Giggles

I am an almond

You are a seed

You cannot meet all of my needs

I am a lily

You are a tree

I cannot keep you company

I am a blue jay

You are a turtle

You cannot get over the hurdle

I am a tiger

You are a bear

There is nothing much we can share


Is there any way you can see, that together we were not meant to be?

My heart hurts

My heart is aching still.

Into me you see

I feel my heart cracking open again.

I forgot that's what happens when you step forward into vulnerability.

I've been living much more vulnerably that I used to, and honestly its wonderful. The only scary part is when someone is even more vulnerable in response.

What now? This wasn't supposed to happen. Rejection is manageable---but mutual attraction---crap! lol.

I've been very honest and real with this guy. We've been through a lot together and seen each other through good times and not so good times.

I actually used to like him a lot. We had a fling a while back, but I was the one who was more interested than he. I think back then he was afraid of intimacy.

I'm just in a pickle because now he's the one after me. I established boundaries and standards, and he rose to them. He is being exceptionally considerate of me and respecting my every wish, being careful not to cross my boundaries. Taking me out to breakfast just because he wants to, and expecting nothing in return. Giving me guitar lessons, buying me coffee, taking me to a concert----the list goes on---all just as a friend because he wants to.

His heart is pure gold. He is open and willing to communicate. His communication skills are exceptional for a male, and his ability to express his feelings exquisite. He is ambitious, courageous, and constantly seeking out ways to become a better person.

Did I mention he is attractive?

His smile alluring. His eyes piercing.

The way he gently bites his tongue with a smile and tilts his head to the side when he is teased is nothing short of adorable.

So why my hesitation?

I think partially our history together makes me nervous. Having had feelings for him in the past that were all but crushed, it's difficult to want to put my heart out on the line again.

Also, as annoying as this sounds, I can't help but struggle with our differing views on life--even though there is a ton of overlap, our core values differ substantially.

This annoys me because the guys that I've come across with more similar core values flail in comparison to this guy. They don't know how to value a girl like he does.

I just have this strong desire for spiritual connection, as cheesy as it sounds.

I'm not exactly sure what that will look like---and I definitely don't want to be overly-spiritual, because I know God gave me a discernment for a purpose.

I'm just struggling because this is the second (for lack of a better word) "secular" guy that has raised up to my standards and proven that they have the all qualities that I am looking for.

So the question is, do I give him a second chance?

I want to be extraordinarily wise and careful in all my decisions at this point in my life, especially with dating. I don't want to close doors or open doors without the proper discernment.

So God, I give this to you. Lord, you know my heart and all it's desires. I trust You to direct my path.