chastening

"Behold, happy is the man whom God corrects; Therefore do not despise the chastening of the Almighty. For He bruises, but He binds up; He wounds, but His hands make whole. He shall deliver you in six troubles, Yes, in seven no evil shall touch you. In famine He shall redeem you from death, And in war from the power of the sword. You shall be hidden from the scourge of the tongue, And you shall not be afraid of destruction when it comes. You shall laugh at destruction and famine, And you shall not be afraid of the beasts of the earth."
Job 6:17-22

Strengths

It's true I've lacked vision for quite some time now.

God, where am I going in life? What should I do?

I've been learning that what I do is less important than who I am.

When you know who you are, you know what to do. And life flows naturally and freely.

When you don't know who you are, you search for who you are in what you do.

SO, instead of figuring out what I should do, I've been figuring out who I am--- what moves me, what motivates me, what drives me, what makes my heart beat.

I took the strength finders test and I feel it was quite accurate for my current state.

Here were my top five in this order:

1) Positivity
2) Belief
3) Empathy
4) Developer
5) Harmony

The strength finders book gives a description of what these strengths look like, how you can utilize them in your life, what situations/jobs to avoid, what situations/jobs to be in, and what strengths to look for in other people.

I found it all revelatory and fascinating.

I feel like I understand a lot more about myself, and I feel encouraged and capable.

I'm ready to conquer the world! Well, almost.

As I study more about my strengths, I want to study about occupations that I would thrive in. I want to set up a five year plan and start taking the steps to get to my future.

This adventure is truly thrilling. God is providing the people, the finances, the support, and the love that I need to walk in my destiny.

I'm filled with excitement about the future, and joy about life!

Thank you God for taking such great care of me! I am excited to see what the future beholds!  =)

Alive.

Today I've never felt so restless in my life.

I woke up abnormally early for how late I went to sleep.

I started moving and fulfilled my "to-do" list before noon.

I went to school early to volunteer my time like I typically do.

I should have felt overwhelmed by the build up of work from the previous Thanksgiving break, but instead I finished it all in a hour and spent the rest of my 2.5 hours at school ---restless---pacing---anxious.

This is odd.

After school I gave a lady a ride to church and then went straight to my tutoring sessions with two of my students. It went well---and I drove home to grab food quickly before I picked up the three kids I promised to babysit.

I babysat for three hours--played, fed them dinner, took them hot-tubbing, then returned them home to their wonderful parents.

Arriving home at 9:30pm, I still was full of energy.

I'm restless! This is sooo abnormal for me. I never feel anxious for no reason. I had a full day and still I feel like I need more. I need to do more. I want to do more. I am capable of doing so much more.

I have a love-hate relationship with this feeling of restlessness. It's definitely a step up from my feelings of apathy, but I'm not sure what to do next.

It's exciting and irritating to not have plans for my life. It's crazy because God has completely provided for my every need thus far---I have been making more money doing odd jobs than I ever would make if I had a scheduled job. I'm surrounded with wonderful friends and family. Opportunities await me.

I felt like calling everyone I know and asking them what I can do to help out in their area--but then that feeling quickly passed as I realized my schedule is full for the next month.

So I'm seeking out what NEXT. I am so ready for the next adventure---send it my way God! I'm amp-ed!

Reflection

It's not too far gone.

All is not lost.

Hope remains.

My dreams last night were filled with feelings of vulnerability and exposure.

When I woke up, I considered deleting my blog altogether, and simply having a journal. I felt distraught about the whole situation and I decided to read some scripture---first thing I turned to was this:

"People shall be brought down, Each man shall be humbled, And the eyes of the lofty shall be humbled. But the Lord of hosts shall be exalted in judgment, And God who is holy shall be hallowed in righteousness. Then the lambs shall feed in their pasture, And in the waste places of the fat ones strangers shall eat."
Isaiah 5: 15-17

Okay, so somewhat of a random verse, but it just reassured me that God's work is at hand.

I feel like I'm ready for the next step.

I feel satisfied about the progress I've seen in my life this semester. I feel like I have a handle on what the Lord has been teaching me and I can't wait to see what lies ahead next semester.

Right now it looks like school isn't in plan for next semester. I feel like I need more vision about what I want to do with my life before I jump back to school.

I'm not sure whether I should stay in Redding or move on. My idea is to maybe stay in Redding, work, and then maybe go to New Zealand through YWAM come June.

I'm just looking for the right opportunity. I want to make every decision out of relationship and covering.

I'm excited for what the future beholds--thanks God for the adventures! =)

Vulnerable

Heart-broken. Humiliated.

How low must I go, God?

First, the one guy that I ever really loved came over to my house for Thanksgiving--I didn't find out he was coming until the day of. Not that it was particularly difficult having him over, it was just a very painful event after he left.

My mind was forced to remember my encounters with this man. This man whom my parents loved and supported. This man whom I once loved and would do almost anything for. Yes, it all came back to me and I realized nothing had changed.

I still love him. Always will. It's my nature, it's the core of who I am. Not in a romantic way, just in a friend-loving way. If he called me right now and needed my help, I would jump in my car and go help him.Once I choose to love, I will always love. However, I have let him go, because that is what he wanted, that is what he chose, and true love requires sacrifice.

To know, that he was everything to me, and I was nothing to him.

I told him everything, I practically gave him my heart on a silver platter, and do you know what his response was? --Silence---

He never responded. Didn't say a word. I moved to Sac. He never contacted me. Never said good-bye. He basically shut me out of his life.

Do I blame him?

Of course not. Knowing his background, I had no reason to believe that he would do anything different.

Did I care?

At the time: no. I loved him and I hoped.

Did it hurt?

Like a thousand knives spilling my guts.

When I think about it now (a year later), I sometimes still cry. I have to force myself to stop thinking that maybe he'll contact me and say he wants to be friends again--- I have to face the facts:

He doesn't love me like I love him.

I still don't know why I chose to love him, it kind of just happened as we developed our friendship and I got to know him more. I just felt a connection with this guy that I've never felt before or after him. I still pray for him often even though I know I will most likely never be someone he chooses to love.

He had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship before I met him, and I know he was in no place to date. I just felt his heart, and the lack of love he was consumed with, and my heart was stirred to love him even in his imperfections.

He has quite a rough past and it would've been easy for me to make the judgment that I shouldn't get involved with him. However, I didn't care about his past, I saw his heart---and it was made of gold.

Considering a future with him, it was the first time that I found myself okay with the fact that he was not a virgin---which previously had been an important factor for me---but even with that knowledge, I loved him just the same.


At the end of Thanksgiving night, Evan gave me a hug and said, "we need to hang out sometime..."

(One of my biggest pet peeves is insincerity)

"Yeah," I said, "whenever is good for me, your the one that's busy."

For background, I had only a few weeks ago asked him if he wanted to catch up, he said "sure" but there was no follow through. I dropped it because I figured he didn't really want to catch up with me. I was the only one making an effort, it was evident he still didn't want to talk to me.

He's civil in person, but there is so much that was not dealt with--- it drives me crazy.

Another of my pet peeves is leaving messes/problems/issues unresolved.

I am a problem solver! That is what I love to do. Issues...I hate them...and I will do anything to work them out as soon as possible. I like closure. I like to make sure everyone is happy. I like to leave things on a positive note. This was not the case.

I have so many unanswered questions.  A year later and I still have pain.

I don't even care to have a romantic relationship with him, I just liked his friendship.

It was like losing my best friend and not know why or what you did wrong. He didn't tell me ANYTHING. He closed the door on me and there is nothing I can do about but respect his wishes.

It is what it is.

I went over to my friend Brad's house tonight. Yes, Brad, is not his real name. Nor are any of the names real in my blog for their privacy.

I was humiliated when he mentioned a name that rang familiarity in my ears---it was a fictitious name from my blog!

Turns out, not Brad, but one of my guy friends mentioned previously in this blog, found out about my blog somehow, and read it.

I was humiliated.

Not because I didn't use his real name (apparently he was offended by it), but because of the personal content this blog contains.

I write this blog mostly for myself to understand my thoughts and to be able to reflect on my thoughts in the future. I also told a few close friends and then family that I thought might be interested in my personal life. I didn't anticipate guys that I wrote about to find the blog, so I was completely humiliated as my friend Brad spoke of this private content almost mockingly.

I admit, it is my own fault for making this blog publicly available. Part of me feels exposed, yet, I still feel convicted to write my heart.

I can't go much lower socially. I've already lost any tid-bit of popularity I once acquired. It means nothing. You can be the most well-liked person in the world and still be miserable.

So what if I am mocked or looked down upon for how I think or what I believe?

I am finally being honest with myself. I am finally following my heart.

Yeah, maybe I'll lose a lot of friends, but the ones that stick around will be the ones worth keeping.

The people who will love me for who I am, are the ones that I want in my life.

I have nothing left to hide.

God has stripped me to complete vulnerability, so I can finally give and receive love.

I can truly love my family and friends now, because I know what they're worth. I know how valuable they are.

I will no longer take so much for granted.

It's true, you never know what you've got until it's gone.

So Lord, here I am. As vulnerable as I can possibly be.

I am trusting you, God. I know Your plan for me is greater than anything I can achieve on my own. In that, I take great joy!

it's comedic really

this life.

it's quite hilarious at times.

when I think about it.

the strife. the fight. the pain. the struggle.

the romance. the boundaries. the thoughts. the decisions.

ssometimes I wonder...

is it really worth it?

if nothing more.

It'll be worth the laugh.

Laugh or cry.

decisions again.

Of how you look at life.

Of course

Sight, smells, cities.

Bleak.

Beautiful beyond belief.

Mountains, oceans, valleys, creeks.

Anything to stop the leak.

Of blood that runs out my heart.

For what was lost and what's to start.

Consume, resume, occupy, busy.

Spin and spin until your dizzy.

Fill the void, fill the city.

With everything you ought to pity.

Yourself. Never. It's not a party.

Until the fat lady sings.

Yes. Until the fat lady sings.

Begin again.

Find a friend.

Hope, love, bleed.

Breathe.