A thankful heart prepares the way

Re-reading my blog is often difficult because I am so critical of my own writing and developing thoughts. I feel like my thoughts are so simple and my words so plain.

But, as I started criticizing my previous blogs, I began to wonder what He thinks of my thoughts, and then I smiled.

I believe He delights in me and in my thoughts. No matter how simple or foolish they may be at times. He is so proud of me, so delighted in how far I've come, and so excited in what is still in store.

He thinks I am beautiful even in my imperfections. Even in my brokenness He looks at me and smiles saying, "look at my beautiful creation...it is good...."

Thank you God that you make all things work together for my good. Thank you that you are a good God. Thank you for loving me first that I might be able to love you in return. Thank you that you are more faithful than the sun rising and setting. Thank you that your mercies are new every morning.

Thank you for creating my family, friends, and I. Thank you for sending your son to die for us so that we might have life and have it abundantly. Thank you God for work, for jobs, and better jobs, for opportunities, for diligence. Thank you God for discipline, for joy, for love, for peace, and for grace. Thank you that you are a God of more than enough, that you are an extravagant lover, a faithful dad, a loyal friend, and an awesome King.

Thank you for health and wellness, God. Thank you for healthy tension and struggles that help us to grow. Thank you that you are there when we need you. Thanks that you care even about the small things. Thanks for your goodness and your overwhelming love.

You are so good God, I could never thank you enough for all that you have done for me. Help me to grow even closer to you God.

Dreams being realized

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12

My trip to Costa Rica was indeed a dream fulfilled which has given me a new excitement for life.

Before I left for Costa, I had no idea what my future held in store. I prayed before I left: God, please give me vision for my future by the time I get back from Costa Rica.

BOOM!

God is faithful and did just that!

So in Costa I feel like I encountered God's love like never before...it was seriously the best trip of my life. At one point I broke down crying because I discovered a lie that I was believing-- that I had to earn love and that I wasn't good enough just the way I was---and was able to have some of my rad friends pray for me and walk me through it. They spoke the truth over me and I was given a new sense of value.

So basically my life will never be the same. Sounds cliche', but I seriously believe it.

There is so much more about my trip to Costa that I could elaborate on, but in order to keep from boring everyone, I'll keep it in a nutshell---I went to love on and bless people (which totally happened) and I got rocked!

On the way back from Costa, we planned to stop in Mammoth for the Lighthouse Conference (talk about moving from glory to glory!). Again, I was blown away from the moment we arrived. Family, friends, connection, love, life...wow...it was a beautiful thing. I wish I was capable of painting a more beautiful picture of this event because it indeed was a glorious thing. From the sea side, to the mountain tops, I can't even begin to explain the beauty of Our King and His incredible love for us....even in our brokenness.

Somewhere along the journey in Mammoth "dreams" became the topic of conversation amongst some friends. It was my turn and I began to explain....

"Well I have many, one is to live in a ski resort town," I began. "and another is to..."

"You should just move to Mammoth!" my friend chimed in.

Yeah, I should. The thought flashed through my head. I simply replied, "that would be cool," and continued on with the conversation casually.

It wasn't until I got home form Mammoth that I felt the Lord talk to me.

Go to Mammoth.
 What? I must be dreaming....are you serious God?

Then again.

Go to Mammoth.
Okay, I'm going to Mammoth! The whole thought of moving there took me by surprise, but I after I agreed obediently, I realized it was a tree a life.

Not only will I get to live in a ski resort town for a season on my life, but so many of my other dreams are aligned with moving to Mammoth. One of my more far-fetched dreams is to be an Olympic Athlete, and the crazy thing is, after I agreed to go, I had the opportunity to talk with Kelly Clark, who is one of the best female snowboarders in the world, and is now training for her 4th Olympic Competition. She is seriously the most humble, rad, down to earth girl I have ever met, and she is also very connected with the Lighthouse in Mammoth. Being able to train with her seems quite possible if I move there and I can at least be clued in to what it takes to become an Olympic Athlete. So BOOM...another dream that seems far-fetched but is suddenly beginning to look attainable.

Another dream is to live in healthy community-- and being apart of Lighthouse in Mammoth will also be a dream realized. There are so many other dreams on the horizon too by going to Mammoth I feel like I will be beginning to pursue them. It's crazy, but I never realized how important it is to chase after your dreams. I feel like a whole new person with passion and excitement about everyday life.

God is so faithful and it's so crazy to see what He has done inside of me over the last 9 months. The pruning He did was so vital for me to able to really begin to bloom. I feel as if that is finally starting to happen. I am seriously blossoming like I never have before. I feel so much more healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and relationally.

Is everything perfect in me?

Not even close....but I just feel like I am finally well on my way to becoming the best person I can be. I am learning, living, laughing, and loving more.

I know there is much hard work to be done before the fruit arrives, but gee does it feel great to be heading in the right direction!

Yay God!! Thanks for being so faithful!!! I am going to keep dreaming BIG!

Belief

Belief is what makes me who I am, it's what drives me everyday.

 Why would I ever deny what I believe? Why do I cower in fear of offending or making people uncomfortable?

You like who I am, but you don't like what I believe-- when what I believe makes me who I am?

Call me crazy. Call me weird. Call me zealous.

I'd rather have passion than indifference. Empathy than apathy.

I wasn't made to fit in, in fact, i was made to be set apart for/concentrated to God. Any other life will not satisfy me.

Imperfection

Something is not lining up.

Forcing things to makes sense doesn't make them make sense, it only makes them complicated.

Sometimes you just have to let things be and be free.

I am who I am. I'm not going to be who you want me to be. I'm not going to pretend I have everything perfect. If you can't acceptt my flaws, then you don't get to enjoy my perfections. If you can't accept me at my worse, then you can't have me at my best.

God is my foundation, the one in whom I trust. Am I super spiritual about it all the time?---no. Is He the one I look to everyday?---yes.

Churchianity, as I like to call it, can be quite annoying at times. It's not always realistic at times, it's not always practical either.

Like, it's totally Kingdom to have God be apart of our everyday life---that is without question, but that doesn't mean that we have to be elsewhere all the time. By that I mean....it's okay to be down to earth.

I'm just super irritated by performance. I'm also irritated by over-spiritualization.

Maybe I'm irritated by those two things, because they are the two things I struggle with the  most right now. I'm just trying to now be really real, and really honest.

I'm not going to look pretty all the time and deceive you into thinking I'm perfect. Anyone can look like they have it all together, but let's be real for a second....how many of us actually do?

It's not about having it all together, so let's stop pretending. Let's live, let's believe, let's thrive, let's belong.

It's okay where ever we are at. It's all going to be fine. Let's not worry about tomorrow when we only have the grace for today. We'll make it.

I don't care if people listen now or later, they will hear the truth and know.

My heart cries out for the hungry. It laments for the lost. It weeps for the broken. It mourns for the thirsty.

Time is drawing near. We are coming to the edge. Decisions need to be made. Our destiny awaits.

Boom

I feel like I'm almost there.

I'm so close---it could be any day now.

Any day.

I'm feeling free now. I feel free to be me.

I'm not afraid anymore, in fact, I'm bold.

I'm powerful. I'm valuable.

No longer do I need approval of others. If I don't live by the praises of man, I won't die by the criticisms either.

I'm seriously just stoked on life right now.

It's funny how the pendulum swings...I'm still patiently awaiting what is next....but I'm freaking going to Costa Rica which will be rad in epic proportions.

Thanks papa for taking such great care of your kiddo!

Ashamed

Why am I feeling this pain?

I'm so thankful for my life.

I'm so thankful for the people in my life.

I love people. People motivate me. People Inspire me. People move me.

I have an eclectic group of friends. It's really hard to combine them at times.

It's interesting when you get together with people you were close with for a period of time in your life...and now you've all completely changed....so what does "hanging out" look like now?

It's so easy to go back to the way things used to be, but I am a new me. I have integrity.

I could sit here and look and the things I've done wrong in my life. I can criticize myself and look at all the areas in which I fall short in my relationships and personal growth. But I'm sick of that. I'm sick at focusing on my short-comings.

I am doing the best I can. Yeah, there is always room for improvement. I really wish my friends would confront me on areas I need to improve, because I know I am my own worst critic. I need outside perspective. Words of affirmation are always nice.

It's exhausting trying to be perfect. I feel like I'm trying to do that again--and I don't want to. It's my fall-back approach to life.

I feel like I need a confidence booster. I realize I'm seeking out approval from people again, and it sucks. Why can't I just realize I'm awesome and live it out? Like I know I am, but it's super nice to hear it. lol.

Insecurity sucks. I thought I was over this. I thought I knew who I was. Lord, why do we so easily forget? Why am I so easily discouraged?

I'm spreading myself too thin again. Trying to do everything for everyone and I end up doing nothing for anyone.

I really just have this desire to be excellent at what is good and innocent of evil.

I want to love people like they've never been loved before.

I want to be all that God has created me to be and open the door for others to do the same.

I don't want to be insecure. Being with my old high school friends brought up a lot of feelings from the past---ugh! It bothers me. I just want to be me and not confined to their pre-conceived ideas of who I am. 

God, help me as I walk through this season of my life. Direct my path, and help me to draw closer to you. I can't take this back and forth crap---I need my theology and reality to collide. I need my heart and mind to cooperate. Lord, you've fashioned me in a way that is completely different than any other person on this planet. I'm so thankful for my individual calling in life. Lord, help me to walk in confidence and compassion, love and peace, hope and health.

Father, heal my heart. Take away my pain. Forgive my wrongs. Direct my path.

Thanks Dad that I am still qualified.

Love

My friend told me something somewhat profound to me tonight that rang a few bells in my head.

Love isn't always being nice. Love is kind---but it isn't always nice.

Boom. I don't have to always be the nice girl. I don't have to get run over. I am powerful and free.

Sometimes love hurts. Sometimes love is honest. Sometimes love is tough.

But Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things. It's patient and kind, yes. But it holds POWER.

Love never fails.