Where or how---I don't know.
Also I know is that when: the time is now.
Faster, slower, upper, lower.
Around and around we go.
Move.
Breathe.
Intake.
Partake.
Forsake. No one.
Ever. Can.
Will.
Try.
Breathe.
Like your alive.
It's a new beginning.
Without an end.
Fresh start.
All over again.
Pronounce. Renounce.
It's all game. If you don't know. Now.
Flee.
Run. Hide.
Shame.
Forget. The pain.
Fever. Nausea.
No one. To blame.
Admit. Convict. Forgive. Blame.
End without beginning.
Never. Again.
Hope. Lies. Here.
Again.
Believe. Receive. Relieve.
Freedom.
To.
Move.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Progress
The morning came---and went. I slept through it all.
My dad was waiting for me downstairs--noting the time I awoke--but not saying anything about it---he didn't have to---his eyes expressed the disappointment: Sleeping in again, huh?
It was almost 1pm this time, and he called me into the family room to talk.
Oh boy, here we go again.
I expected a guilt trip and braced myself for the conversation, but was surprised by my dad's communication skills.
"I love you" he said. "I am on your side"
He explained to me that he understands that "I am my own person" and have different strengths than he, and he expressed an effort to understand me better, so he can help me succeed.
Wow, I have a great dad.
Although the conversation was in parts difficult for me to hear, I was impressed with my dad's ability to express his thoughts and feelings. He wants us both to feel good about our living situation, and is looking out for both of our best interests.
At the end of our conversation he gave me some suggestions on how to better achieve my goals. He told me he believes in me and wants the best for me--that is why he feels it's in both of our best interests for me to contribute more (aka pay rent). He doesn't want me to be spoiled. And I am thankful for his ability to communicate it in a loving way. I had no objection. I completely agree---I want to carry my weight. I want to contribute---and I'm just trusting God for the means.
I don't have a job. I don't have a plan.
May sound ridiculous---but I think it's brilliant.
So far I feel quite accomplished. I already feel much closer to my family. My dad and I are beginning to understand one another better and figure out how to relate. Spiritual I feel like I've grown immensely. My emotional pain level has dropped significantly. Altogether I feel healthier and happier physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
I've been giving guitar lessons to kids at the christian school for free and volunteering my time helping out with BSSM2 Travel. I'm learning to manage my time when I don't have external deadlines, and I'm finally building the life that I want to live.
I feel great! I feel like I'm finally getting life right.
Thanks God for being so faithful! I look forward to all that You have in store!
My dad was waiting for me downstairs--noting the time I awoke--but not saying anything about it---he didn't have to---his eyes expressed the disappointment: Sleeping in again, huh?
It was almost 1pm this time, and he called me into the family room to talk.
Oh boy, here we go again.
I expected a guilt trip and braced myself for the conversation, but was surprised by my dad's communication skills.
"I love you" he said. "I am on your side"
He explained to me that he understands that "I am my own person" and have different strengths than he, and he expressed an effort to understand me better, so he can help me succeed.
Wow, I have a great dad.
Although the conversation was in parts difficult for me to hear, I was impressed with my dad's ability to express his thoughts and feelings. He wants us both to feel good about our living situation, and is looking out for both of our best interests.
At the end of our conversation he gave me some suggestions on how to better achieve my goals. He told me he believes in me and wants the best for me--that is why he feels it's in both of our best interests for me to contribute more (aka pay rent). He doesn't want me to be spoiled. And I am thankful for his ability to communicate it in a loving way. I had no objection. I completely agree---I want to carry my weight. I want to contribute---and I'm just trusting God for the means.
I don't have a job. I don't have a plan.
May sound ridiculous---but I think it's brilliant.
So far I feel quite accomplished. I already feel much closer to my family. My dad and I are beginning to understand one another better and figure out how to relate. Spiritual I feel like I've grown immensely. My emotional pain level has dropped significantly. Altogether I feel healthier and happier physically, emotionally, and spiritually!
I've been giving guitar lessons to kids at the christian school for free and volunteering my time helping out with BSSM2 Travel. I'm learning to manage my time when I don't have external deadlines, and I'm finally building the life that I want to live.
I feel great! I feel like I'm finally getting life right.
Thanks God for being so faithful! I look forward to all that You have in store!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Friends
There is something so rewarding about being true to yourself.
Tonight I received an encouraging message from a good guy friend of mine from Westmont. He stumbled upon my blog, and the feedback he gave me made my heart jump for joy! YAY! friends that care!
It's true that my spiritual journey has required pruning pieces of my life that I once enjoyed so thoroughly---like friends---not that God wanted to take away my friends---but I believe He wants to give me meaningful relationships.
This may sound arrogant---but I have always had a lot of friends. I've always been well-liked and somewhat "popular" so-to-speak. I've changed schools many times and I've never had trouble making friends---ever.
However---it came to a point where I had a lot of friends---but I was very alone. No one REALLY knew me. I invested time in multiple shallow relationships---but I wasn't a good friend to any of them---and vice versa.
So in the pruning process---I've had serious feelings of loneliness---however that is slowly beginning to fade with the substantial relationships that are forming in my life.
I'm beginning to establish relationships where I am free to be me! No more performing, impressing, pretending----just honesty and vulnerability.
Loving relationships---not romantic---just loving. Male and female friendship relationships.
You can live without sex (which I hope I don't have to, but that's beside the point)---but you can't live without love.
How can anyone love me if I never show them who I am?
Love requires vulnerability.
I want to live out of love and vulnerability. It feels incredible to have people that love you for who you are.
Tonight I received an encouraging message from a good guy friend of mine from Westmont. He stumbled upon my blog, and the feedback he gave me made my heart jump for joy! YAY! friends that care!
It's true that my spiritual journey has required pruning pieces of my life that I once enjoyed so thoroughly---like friends---not that God wanted to take away my friends---but I believe He wants to give me meaningful relationships.
This may sound arrogant---but I have always had a lot of friends. I've always been well-liked and somewhat "popular" so-to-speak. I've changed schools many times and I've never had trouble making friends---ever.
However---it came to a point where I had a lot of friends---but I was very alone. No one REALLY knew me. I invested time in multiple shallow relationships---but I wasn't a good friend to any of them---and vice versa.
So in the pruning process---I've had serious feelings of loneliness---however that is slowly beginning to fade with the substantial relationships that are forming in my life.
I'm beginning to establish relationships where I am free to be me! No more performing, impressing, pretending----just honesty and vulnerability.
Loving relationships---not romantic---just loving. Male and female friendship relationships.
You can live without sex (which I hope I don't have to, but that's beside the point)---but you can't live without love.
How can anyone love me if I never show them who I am?
Love requires vulnerability.
I want to live out of love and vulnerability. It feels incredible to have people that love you for who you are.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Freedom or captivity
The other day I had an odd thought:
Responsibility is freedom.
What?! My thoughts began to bicker. That makes no sense.
Yet. Somehow it does. To me, anyways.
I've never felt more alive than when I have responsibilities. It makes you feel important and free.
Responsibilities just tie you down. They control your life. That's what the world told me anyways. But what if it's not true? What if having responsibilities sets you free?
Free from apathy. YES. That's it.
There is nothing more freeing than feeling worth while. Feeling like your making a difference in the world in some small way. Whether it be loving someone or being a good employee.
We have the choice to take responsibility for our actions. We are free to MOVE. To LIVE. To LOVE.
We must assume responsibility to be free.
Yet, be careful what you choose to be responsible for---also beware of action out of obligation.
Responsibility is a choice we make out of desire, passion, love. It is freeing, not captivating.
These are my thoughts. Maybe spiritual, maybe logical, maybe absurd, and maybe profound.
But for me, responsibility is freedom from apathy. Spiritually I believe.
Responsibility is freedom.
What?! My thoughts began to bicker. That makes no sense.
Yet. Somehow it does. To me, anyways.
I've never felt more alive than when I have responsibilities. It makes you feel important and free.
Responsibilities just tie you down. They control your life. That's what the world told me anyways. But what if it's not true? What if having responsibilities sets you free?
Free from apathy. YES. That's it.
There is nothing more freeing than feeling worth while. Feeling like your making a difference in the world in some small way. Whether it be loving someone or being a good employee.
We have the choice to take responsibility for our actions. We are free to MOVE. To LIVE. To LOVE.
We must assume responsibility to be free.
Yet, be careful what you choose to be responsible for---also beware of action out of obligation.
Responsibility is a choice we make out of desire, passion, love. It is freeing, not captivating.
These are my thoughts. Maybe spiritual, maybe logical, maybe absurd, and maybe profound.
But for me, responsibility is freedom from apathy. Spiritually I believe.
Monday, November 8, 2010
flattery and fallacy
I went to visit Nick last weekend.
It was his 21st birthday and since he doesn't drink, he invited friends to join him and his family for an amazing dinner.
Yes, I was the only female friend.
Dinner was exquisite. Fondue feast. Over $50/person and his parents paid for all ten guests. Wow.
I was treated like a queen all weekend.
I stayed in a beautiful guest house with included a private bathroom and kitchen. All my needs were met and all my wishes granted. This is too good to be true, I thought.
Nick showered me with words of affirmation. Speaking of me as if I were a goddess. He even opened his heart to tell me he has feelings for me and always has.
He tells me I'm unlike any other girl he's ever met. He expresses that he is mostly attracted to my personality more than to my physical appearance, although he reaffirms my physical beauty.
Not once did Nick try to make any advances. We even went star gazing with pillows and blankets. The opportunity was prime, yet the boundaries of friends were not crossed.
He was an absolute gentlemen the entire weekend. His respect for me is flattering beyond words.Yet, something in my spirit sleeps.
This is not the one I have for you
Although all the qualities were there in this man, something was missing---something that I believe is the most important aspect---the spirit connection.
I know he has faith in God, but the confusion that I felt spiritually while I was at his home, is the spiritual confusion I think he may be living in.
His father is an active Mormon, while his mother is simply a spiritual women. She attends the Mormon church with her husband, but she refuses to convert to Mormonism.
Their relationship is absolutely fascinating to me in how they respect each others beliefs, yet don't agree. I wonder how their dissonance affects the depth of their relationship. On the outside it appears to have little affect---but one can still wonder.
It's obvious that Nick does not care that our spiritual beliefs are different. He encourages me to "trust my god" even if "my god" is not the same as "his god".
Part of me wanted to believe that I could be satisfied in a relationship were our spirituality was our own and alignment was not necessary---but I can't.
I need a spiritual connection. I need connection in the depths of my heart---which includes my spirituality. I have to be true to myself and trust that God has future and a hope for me.
It was his 21st birthday and since he doesn't drink, he invited friends to join him and his family for an amazing dinner.
Yes, I was the only female friend.
Dinner was exquisite. Fondue feast. Over $50/person and his parents paid for all ten guests. Wow.
I was treated like a queen all weekend.
I stayed in a beautiful guest house with included a private bathroom and kitchen. All my needs were met and all my wishes granted. This is too good to be true, I thought.
Nick showered me with words of affirmation. Speaking of me as if I were a goddess. He even opened his heart to tell me he has feelings for me and always has.
He tells me I'm unlike any other girl he's ever met. He expresses that he is mostly attracted to my personality more than to my physical appearance, although he reaffirms my physical beauty.
Not once did Nick try to make any advances. We even went star gazing with pillows and blankets. The opportunity was prime, yet the boundaries of friends were not crossed.
He was an absolute gentlemen the entire weekend. His respect for me is flattering beyond words.Yet, something in my spirit sleeps.
This is not the one I have for you
Although all the qualities were there in this man, something was missing---something that I believe is the most important aspect---the spirit connection.
I know he has faith in God, but the confusion that I felt spiritually while I was at his home, is the spiritual confusion I think he may be living in.
His father is an active Mormon, while his mother is simply a spiritual women. She attends the Mormon church with her husband, but she refuses to convert to Mormonism.
Their relationship is absolutely fascinating to me in how they respect each others beliefs, yet don't agree. I wonder how their dissonance affects the depth of their relationship. On the outside it appears to have little affect---but one can still wonder.
It's obvious that Nick does not care that our spiritual beliefs are different. He encourages me to "trust my god" even if "my god" is not the same as "his god".
Part of me wanted to believe that I could be satisfied in a relationship were our spirituality was our own and alignment was not necessary---but I can't.
I need a spiritual connection. I need connection in the depths of my heart---which includes my spirituality. I have to be true to myself and trust that God has future and a hope for me.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Distraction
I just read my last post (which I posted only a few minutes ago) and was disgusted. I'm completely distracted. Lord, you know the desires of my heart-- You know how much I want a sustaining relationship-- Lord, help me to trust you more. God, how easy I get caught up with my interactions with boys. I have to admit it's fun and exciting to have attraction in my life. It's honestly a lot of fun being young and "looking". I just feel like I'm losing patients. Every boy I encounter I think about compatibility possibilities. There are too many options yet not enough. I firmly believe that we can fall in love with anyone if we choose to. I feel like God has given me the choice to love whomever I want--yet I want Him to align my spirit with my future husband's--I want to be confident in dating that I am not wasting my time or setting myself up to get hurt. If I have those doubts something is obviously wrong. Why do I let myself toy with the idea of dating someone who's core values don't align with mine--am i that desperate? Am I interested out of fear that no one else will like me? Am I interested because I'm flattered?
It's hard because I don't want to just cut things off with this Nick guy and not even give him a chance, but at the same time I don't want to get to a place where I am attached to this guy whose spirit is not aligned with mine.
I told him I'd come down next weekend to Sac because it's his birthday and he's going to dinner with some friends---which should be fun--but for some reason i'm second guessing myself. Lord, please guide me in this journey. Lord, you know my heart and I simply want to follow yours. Please guide me in my interactions with this guy and keep my heart right. Thanks God. Your the best!
It's hard because I don't want to just cut things off with this Nick guy and not even give him a chance, but at the same time I don't want to get to a place where I am attached to this guy whose spirit is not aligned with mine.
I told him I'd come down next weekend to Sac because it's his birthday and he's going to dinner with some friends---which should be fun--but for some reason i'm second guessing myself. Lord, please guide me in this journey. Lord, you know my heart and I simply want to follow yours. Please guide me in my interactions with this guy and keep my heart right. Thanks God. Your the best!
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